


The Lost Myth of True Love

by Beeexx



Series: To Love [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Finn Is A Badass, Fluff, M/M, PTSD, Poe Dameron Is A Mess, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Protective Finn, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2020-04-11 20:51:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 59,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19117465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beeexx/pseuds/Beeexx
Summary: In the aftermath of Crait Poe struggles with guilt and how to handle it. Then there is Finn and Poe doesn't even know how to begin dealing with that. And a blast from the past comes back to help out.Featuring badass Rey, an all knowing Leia and BB-8 who doesn't have time with its mess of a human being.No one deals well especially not Poe.





	1. Chapter 1

Poe is hiding.

Well, maybe hiding is a strong word. The moment he got on board of the Falcon he's been actively avoiding everyone else of the Resistance. He had wandered around the ship aimlessly a while back, and ended up where he now was, unable to make his way back to where the rest of them were. The last days are suddenly starting to catch up to him, and he is left with a feeling of unease. So many dead and it is all his fault. Before, he had been running hight on adrenaline, there was so much left to do that he had no chance of relaxing. But now, when the sound of other people have faded and he's left alone, blocking out his thoughts suddenly seemed like an impossible task. Poe was very aware of how unhealthy blocking out emotions was - but now when it was quiet he very much wished it wasn't. Now when his mind had free range of thinking about the horrors of the last few days he was finding it more difficult not to listen to the voices in his head, whispering how he was responsible for all the bad things that had happened. 

He sighs and runs a hand through his hair leaning against the window. It's cold against his forehead. He wish he was able to sleep, sleep for a week, and wake up feeling relaxed and rested. But he hasn't slept well since Kylo Ren, only on some rare nights he managed to sleep without being plagued by nightmares. And he knew that after what had happened, he would not sleep peacefully for a very long time. 

“Poe.”

He flinches at the sound, clutching at his heart.

“Fuuuuck.” He exclaims and turns around. Rey is standing with her hands held up an apologetic look on her face. 

“I am sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” She says, sounding sorry.

“Yeah, don’t worry.” He’s leaning against the wall, trying to look relaxed, all the while his heart is beating uncomfortably quick.

“Leia wants you on the bridge.” Rey says. 

“Oh okay, thanks.” Rey smiles again. She has a nice smile, Poe notes. The smile he plasters onto his face almost feels real, almost. He follows behind Rey all the way to the bridge were Leia and Chewie are sat close with Commander D’Acy, and Connix and Finn. As soon as he's stepped inside he's opted to look anywhere but at Finn. Ever since their departure from Crait, he’s found himself unable to look into those dark eyes.

“General.” Poe says. Leia smiles gently and nods. Before, Poe would have stood up straight, he used to walk into a room with the sort of confidence that demanded people to look at him. He used to love that sort of thing. Now, however, all he wants to do is sink through the floor and never have anyone look at him again. He stays at the back of the room, leaning once again against the wall, in hope that the others will look at Leia instead of him. They all do except for Finn whose eyes linger on him, Poe stubbornly ignores him. 

“We need to find somewhere where we can recuperate, gather numbers and rest.” Connix says. Poe supposes that after losing almost everyone in the resistance, rankings seemed pretty useless at the moment, and anyone who had any ideas about what to do would be allowed to speak up. 

“Has anyone answered the distress signals yet?” Commander D’Acy asks. 

Leia shakes her head.

“There must be somewhere we can go!” Finn says.

“Somewhere, yes, but not at the risk of the First Order finding us.” Leia says. She got a lost look for a moment. “There are few left who would dare aid the Resistance after what happened this week.”

“And The First Order will make sure to spread false rumours of how The Resistance is no longer a threat. They will make an example out of Crait. Spread terrors and threaten anyone who would consider joining that they will die if they do.” Finn murmurs. 

The air in the room suddenly feels very thick. Like someone has cut out the oxygen supply and Poe is slowly suffocating to death. 

Leia smilea sadly at Finn’s words. 

 

“They will...But hope is not lost yet.” She says with a knowing look in Rey’s direction. 

“We could try the outer rim system again. The First Order will not have control of all of the planets over there.” Connix speaks up. 

“It might be our best option, by the looks of it. And I wonder if the First Order would expect us to go back.” D’Acy says. “The question that still remains is where, though. It is not exactly known for being safe. We would not want to run into pirates and getting returned to The First Order. There are not a lot of us left to fight.” She continues. 

Poe zones out from the rest of the conversation. He isn’t exactly a pro in regards to the outer rim. He has flown a few times for Leia for reconnaissance missions, but apart from that he can’t say he was well acquainted with the system. Apart from Yavin 4, which technically bordered the outer rim, his knowledge is pretty limited. You know someone who is though he thinks at the back of his mind. 

He bites his lip and refuses to think about it. 

He would only ever use that if there was no other option. It was a last resort, and Poe wanted to believe that someone else in this room would come up with something, because he had no intention of ever going back down that road again. The others were still deep in conversation when Poe came back to it - apart from Leia, who's looking intently at him.  
He hates that look. He's been on the receiving end of it for years, and it usually always ends with Leia seeing through whatever argument Poe came up with, a tactic he used so he didn't have to talk about what he was actually feeling. At the deflection tactic, Leia would just sigh and look disappointed and Poe could not have a disappointed Leia on his conscience. That was worse than an angry Leia. And Poe has had a fair amount of angry Leia in his lifetime. It would not surprise him if he was the second man Leia was most often angry with, after Han Solo of course. He hadn't dethroned that man just yet. But the anger he could mostly handle. It was the disappointed Leia that ate away at him. It made his insides turn, and he would feel guilty and eventually crack. Leia knew all this, of course, and she was stubborn when she wanted to be. So she would wait and Poe would come dragging his feet behind him and tell her what was actually bugging him. And Leia would respond with a “That wasn’t so hard now was it.”

It wouldn’t work today though. Poe was already at the brink of cracking with guilt. If Leia tried prodding, he would explode, and if he did then he wouldn’t be able to stop. And it scared him, what he might say, and the look Leia would give him if she knew what was living inside his head. So he lowered his eyes again and stubbornly ignored her. 

“What about Jakku?” D’Acy suggests.

Finn snorts. “What the kriff is it with people and Jakku?!” 

Normally Poe would have found that funny. He can’t even muster up a fake smile now. 

“Is that a no then Finn?” Rey apparently still had the capacity to joke.

“Why would anyone want to go back to a planet filled with sand? It gets everywhere and it is hot!” Finn exclaims. 

“Jakku is definitely a no then.” Rey says, and the rest of them laugh. 

The room gets quiet after that, seemingly running out of ideas. Poe is becoming desperate for someone to come up with something. The room remains silent.

“Poe?” Leia eventually says. He closed his eyes as the rest of them turn to look at him.

“You have remained surprisingly silent. Do you have any suggestions?”

He knows that as soon as he started speaking, there will be protests.

“Yeah.” He says and looks up. “But none of you are going to like it.” He bites at his lip.

“I don’t think we have much of an option.” Rey’s the one to answer. Poe nods. 

Yeah…

“Okay, I have a contact.” He begins. “Back from my New Republic days. He is not exactly known for being a good guy though.” Poe says uneasily. “But it seems we cannot afford to be picky.”

“No.” Leia agrees, “It seems we cannot.”

“He has a hideout where he goes every once in a while to disappear when he attracts too much attention. He never told me exactly where it was, but if I were to guess I would say Naboo.”

“Naboo?” Finn asks. “The planet that was part of the Old Republic?”

“Yes.” Poe nods. 

“Can you get in contact with this person?” Leia asks.

Poe was dreading that exact question. He nods.

He could, he just really did not want to. He went over to the front of the room and started typing into the communications system. He had memorized the codes when he got them but he had hoped that he would never have to use them. The connection went through and the hologram connected to the screen. It all went surprisingly quick.

“Poe?” The man says.

“DJ.” Poe replies evenly. Behind him he can hear Finn’s sounds of protest.

“I am n-not gonna lie, I am a little surprised you called.” DJ says.

“Yeah me too.” Poe crosses his arms.

DJ smiles wryly. “Which means you must be desperate.” Poe remains quiet, but eventually nods.

“That does not surprise me, last I saw of The Resistance it did not look p-pretty for you guys.”

“And whose fault is that?!” Finn snaps and takes a step forward. DJ looks surprised to see him.

“Ahh Finn, you made it out alive, I see. Live to fight a-another day eh?” 

“No thanks to you.” He growls. 

This was why Poe wanted to avoid this plan all together. DJ was an asshole most of the days, and everywhere he went he managed to make enemies.

“Well, I did warn you.” DJ replies. He turns back to Poe.

“So what can I do for you, Captain?”

“It is commander now.” The words escape him before he can stop himself.

“Commander? I see, well Commander Dameron has a nice ring to it.” DJ smirks. Poe closes his eyes. He really doesn't want to do this. In the corner of his eyes he can see Finn looking at him with a surprised expression. 

“Thanks.” He replies.

“The question still remains, Commander.”

“I need you to give me the location of your vacation spot.” Poe says. DJ raises his eyebrows like he is not expecting Poe to use those exact words.

“And why would I do t-that?” He asks.

“Because you betrayed us once, and now you have a chance to make it up to us.” Poe knows it’s a weak argument. DJ seems to agree.

“You know very well that is not how it works. Does the Resistance have anything to offer me?”

“No.” Poe shakes his head.

“No p-payment?”

“Not for you.” Finn answers.

“Well you already know what my answer is going to be, then.” DJ looks at Finn and smirks. Finn is getting more and more angry, and Poe can’t handle an argument right now.

“You owe me.” Poe says. DJ freezes and slowly turns around. He looks Poe straight in his eyes. Poe wants nothing more but to look away but he finds that he can’t.

“What did you say?”

“You heard me.” Poe replies.

“I want to hear you say it again.” Comes the reply.

“You owe me.”

DJ’s lips are a thin line and Poe has a moment where he thinks DJ will end the call.

“So you have come to collect your favour then?” Is all he says.

“I have.” Poe nods. DJ looks at the rest of the people in the cockpit. His eyes lands on Leia.

“Ah General, I a-assume you put him up to it.”

“I actually have nothing to do with this. Before this call I had very little knowledge of your existence.” Leia replies. DJ turns back to Poe.

“You must really be desperate then.” Is all he says. Poe nods again. 

“It’s located on Naboo but you won’t be able to access it without my help. Well, unless The Resistance has managed to get their own codebreaker since the last time I saw you.”

Poe just gives him a look.

“I thought n-not.” and he smiles smugly. 

“I will send you the coordinates to the location and meet you there in 1 days time.”

Poe doesn’t even feel relieved at that. But he nods and tries to look happy about it. DJ has a knowing look in his eyes and Poe knows he probably failed at it.

“Well, I cannot say it was a pleasure doing business with The Resistance. This is why I prefer doing it with The First Order.” DJ says.

“Believe me, there is no pleasure for any of us in this.” Poe says and realises his mistake too late.

“Not the way I used to remember it to be.” DJ smirks. Poe blushes. 

“You and I remember things very differently.” He bites back, hoping to save some of his earlier mistake. 

“Whatever you say Commander.” DJ sing-songs before ending the call. The room is deadly quiet. Poe closes his eyes again. Fuck, he thinks.

The screens lit up with the coordinates just like Poe knew it would. Finn is the first to break the silence.

“We cannot trust this guy!” Poe can tell he is upset and rightly so.

“It kind of looks like we're going to have to.” Rey says, but she doesn’t either look too happy about it.

“How? He has betrayed us once already. How do we even know these coordinates do not lead us straight back to The First Order huh? This guy is bad news. He would betray us for free.” 

“He won’t.” Is all Poe says. He still has his back turned.

“How do you know?” Finn asks. 

“I just do.” Poe says.

“No, that is not good enough!” Finn exclaims. “He turned his back on me and Rose! He is solely responsible for the failure of our mission. Me and Rose almost died because of him.” Poe clenches his fists. Finn is now turned fully towards Poe, and Poe knows that Finn won’t believe him like this. So he finally turns around and looks at Finn for the first time in what feels like a very long time. He takes his hand.

“I know Finn. Believe me I know, the moments I thought you were dead will forever haunt me.” Poe says and Finns seems to stop for a moment. He looks Poe in the eye. “And I am not making this call lightly, please know this. But this is bigger than me and you. We have to survive and this is the only option at the moment. You don’t have to trust DJ but please trust me when I say that he won’t betray us this time. He won’t. Please...just trust me.” He pleads. Finn has a conflicted look on his face. Poe can tell he is struggling with something. Eventually he seems to to come to a decision because he nods reluctantly. 

“I trust you.” He says. Poe exhales. He barely trusts himself these days. He doesn’t know if having Finn’s trust is a good or a bad thing. He let’s go of Finn’s hand and already missing the warmth of it.

“Chewie, set the coordinates.” Poe says. Chewie makes an affirmative sound and punches them in.

Poe turns to Leia and says “General.” And then he walks out of the room. Not looking back.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo I am back with a new update, sorry it's taken so long. Some other things came in between. But here we go again!

There is blood, so much blood. The ground is painted with it. The screaming, it's so loud it makes it hard for Poe to think properly. People are dying all around him and the agony of it makes it hard to breathe. There is a smell in the air that makes him gag. Suddenly, Finn is there. He's standing in the middle of it all and it feels so wrong. Poe runs for him but when he reaches him he falls. 

“Finn?!” Poe screams. He has no time to catch him before he hits the ground. Finn looks up at him. When he opens his mouth to talk blood comes out instead. Poe's horrified.

“Finn, buddy, you're going to be okay.”

“You failed me.” Finn says. Poe freezes.

“N-no, I didn’t mean to I swear.” He has tears in his eyes. All is his fault, all is his fault. Everything is his fault. It rings in his head like a mantra.

“You failed everyone.” Finn says, and goes limp in Poe’s arms.

He jolts awake. 

His heart is pounding in his chest and his shirt is clinging to his back. He runs a hand shakingly through his hair. His back aches from leaning awkwardly against the wall and it takes him a minutes to get his bearings. He brings his legs up and rests his head against his shaking knees. He hasn't dreamt about Finn dying before. He feels like he might throw up. He doesn’t dare close his eyes again, afraid of the images he’s seen.

He suddenly feels fidgety and he knows he won’t sleep any more tonight, so he gets up on shaky legs and starts walking. He comes around the corner and sees people sleeping in makeshift beds. By now the adrenaline must finally be wearing off and people must be exhausted. Hell, Poe is exhausted. But at least these people seem to be able to sleep better than he does. He is happy for them. 

He continues walking and tries to not think too closely about his nightmare. Around the corner he comes to a stop in front of Rey, who is sat in the middle of the floor, blocking his path, like she knew he was passing this way. It looks like she's meditating and he does wonder if he can sneak past her without her noticing. He doesn’t feel like talking to anyone. 

“Hi Poe.” Rey says without opening her eyes. It seems he is not so lucky tonight.

“Rey.” He says. He remains standing. She opens her eyes and smiles gently.

“Do you want to sit?” She gestures to the spot beside her. He really doesn’t want to, but he also doesn’t have it in him to say no. He wonders when he became this anti social? He used to pride himself in being a very social person with the ability to talk to anyone, making even the shyest person feel at ease. These days not so much. It's just too much for him right now to feel comfortable with people around. It's the expectations it puts on Poe, to be a leader or something, someone people is supposed to look up to, only he's not suited for that.

But he sits anyway because he can't work up an excuse as to why he shouldn't. They don’t speak for a while, Poe pretending that the wall is suddenly very interesting. Rey studies him.

“I can imagine what you did earlier wasn’t easy, but if this is any consolation you probably saved the Resistance.”

He looks at her from the corner of his eyes.

“It was the least I could do after killing almost all of them.” He says bitterly. Rey’s eyebrows shoot upwards.

“Poe-” She starts but he interrupts her.

“There is no point denying it, it’s true.” He says, not unkindly. Rey opens her mouth and Poe really doesn’t want to talk about this, so he changes the subject.

“How is Finn?” He settles for, which might also be a mistake, he realises too late. Rey gives him another look.

“Worried.” She says.

“Yeah? Well, Rose will be okay.”

“About you.” Rey replies.

“Oh…” Poe says before he can stop himself. Rey smiles a little at that.

“You should go talk to him.” 

Poe nods. He knows he should. Only he doesn’t know what to say. What can he even say to make anything better?

“He tried to sacrifice himself earlier.” He doesn’t know why he is talking to Rey about this. He doesn’t even really know her.

“He said, yes. I told him he was stupid and whacked him on the head.” Rey says. Poe’s mouth quirk up at that.

“Really?”.

“Really.” Rey looks smug.

“How did he take that?” Poe asks curiously. Rey shrugs.

“He didn’t seem to understand why I was upset with him.”

“Yeah.” Poe looks down at his hands. He was afraid Finn wouldn’t.

“Maybe you should tell him why you are angry with him. Might make him understand.” Rey looks at him with a knowing look in her eye.

“I am not angry at him.” Poe lies. But it doesn’t sound convincing even to his own ears. Rey just raises an eye at that. 

“Fine.” Poe huffs. “I am angry at him.” Rey smiles again but a little sadly.

“Yeah, I understand.” 

Poe isn’t sure if she actually does. But he doesn’t say anything. They sit in silence after that, it isn’t awkward but it is not exactly comfortable either. Rey is the first to break it.

“I really like BB-8.” Poe is actually surprised that’s what she went with. But he feels his lip curl into a small smile, the first genuine one for a while.

“Yeah, that droid is something else.”

“It was telling me about the adventures with Finn and Rose, sounded very exciting.” 

“BB has an eye for the dramatics.” Poe says and his smile gets a little bigger. He loves his droid. He’d gotten it during his Republic days, and ever since then they had stuck together. Speaking of said droid - he had actually not seen it for a while now. 

“Last I saw of it, it seemed very interested in a Porg.” Rey says, as if she could read his mind. He wonders if she actually can. He starts to feel slightly uneasy by the thought of it. Not that he actually thinks she would break into his mind like Kylo Ren had done, but he can’t help but feel like she could do it if she wanted to.

“Don’t worry, I’m not reading your mind.” Rey reassures him kindly. Poe flinches at that. 

“You just have a very expressive face.” She says. His mother used to tell him the same thing. You wear your heart on your sleeve, Poe. At the time, he didn’t fully understand what she meant by that, but as the years went by, he’d started to see what she meant.

“Yeah, I have heard that before.” He says. Rey nods at that. 

“You should go see Finn. I think he really would like to see you.”

He nods at that. “Yeah, maybe you are right.”

“I usually am.” She says a little smugly. He snorts at that, she sounds too much like someone he knows very well. But he does reluctantly get up. He stops suddenly and turns around to look at her.

“Thanks, Rey.” He says, he is not sure exactly what he is thankful for but it feels like the right thing to say. Rey smiles again and nods her head. 

Finding Finn doesn’t take long. He is with Rose, sat beside her sleeping form. He looks tired, Poe notes from where he is standing. He has been looking at Finn for a while now and he finds himself struggling to move. He doesn’t know what to actually say to him. Oh hi Finn I am sorry I sent you on a doomed mission that almost got you killed. Or Why did you not listen to me Finn? You almost died and that is not okay! Poe knows that there are sacrifices made in war. Hell, he has been in this war long enough to make those himself. But if they ever do win then Finn has to live. He is the one person in the galaxy that deserves it. Poe knows he shouldn’t have favourites, but he can’t help it. Finn is just so... good and he doesn’t deserve to be this young and die in this stupid war that keeps taking the good ones. 

On Crait when Finn had cut off his earpiece, Poe had been terrified. The inability to do anything, to help, he had hated that feeling. It reminded him too much of Muran and Poe had promised himself to never experience helplessness like that ever again. He’d gone a long time avoiding it, but being unable to save Finn had scared him shitless. When Finn was flying straight towards the canon on Crait, Poe thought he lost him for a third time. The first time was on Jakku when they got shot down. He had mourned the brave stormtrooper who had saved him for days after that, and sworn that The First Order would not get away with it. When he had realized that Finn was still alive, he had been so happy and so relieved. And then Finn had taken his jacket - and that did something to Poe’s heart. He was unable not to smile, and tell him he should keep it. That jacket really suited him.

This giddiness he felt for the first time in years didn’t last very long. When the news reached him that Finn had fought with Kylo Ren and had been struck by a lightsaber, he thought for a second time that Finn was going to die. And this time, it was much worse than the first. He knew Finn better now and he’d constantly found himself at his bedside after. Just waiting for him to wake up. He’d barely been able to leave his side - because what if he died while Poe was away flying or eating or showering. It was unhealthy, Poe knew this. But he couldn’t be bothered to really care. He stitched Finn’s jacket up and hoped with all his heart that he would wake up again. 

And then he did. 

And then Finn was almost taken away from him a third time and Poe didn’t know if he could actually live through something like that again.

“Hi, buddy.” He says finally when he's worked up the courage to enter the part of the ship that looks similar to a med bay. Finn stands up immediately, he looks so happy to see Poe, but also somewhat uncertain and he hates that he is partly responsible for that look.

“Poe!” Finn says.

“How is Rose doing?” Poe asks.

“Better, I think.” Finn looks down at Rose. “Doctor Kaldonia says she needs rest but that she should wake up in a few days and be okay.”

“That’s good news.” Poe finds that he actually means that.

“Yeah it is.” They are both silent after that. Poe hates it. But he also doesn’t know what to say.

“Are you okay Poe?” Finn eventually asks and takes a step towards him. Poe looks up from the ground and fakes a smile.

“Yeah of course, buddy.” Finn doesn’t look convinced at all and Poe suspects his smile looks more like a grimace.

“Why do I not believe you.” Finn asks. It doesn’t sound accusing but Poe can’t help but take it that way.

“Why did you do it, Finn?” It comes out harsher than he intends it to. Finn looks surprised for a moment like he doesn’t understand what Poe means.

“Do what?” He asks.

“Disobey my orders! I told you to abort, Finn, and you didn’t listen to me!” Poe is angry now. He doesn’t even remember how he got there so fast but he's emotions are running high. Finn narrows his eyes and says:

“Because it was the right thing to do.” Finn has the actual audacity to say.

Poe clenches his fists. 

“Don’t bullshit me.” He says. “Fuck the right thing to do!” 

Finn takes a step closer to Poe.

“I couldn’t let them win.” Finn continues.

“What the hell were you thinking!” Poe’s voice growing louder..

“I was thinking.” Finn says and he is angry now as well. “I wanted to protect the people that I love. That I wanted to give them a chance to get out, to be safe and to maybe win in the long run. The First Order cannot win, ever! And you don’t get to tell me that I made the wrong call when you would have done the exact same thing.” Finn growls. He is even closer to Poe now, towering over him and Poe knows he is right. But he is also angry and scared and tired and he isn’t exactly thinking straight. 

“What about me Finn?!” His voice escaping his control and Finn looks shocked at the heat behind his words. “What do you think would happen to me if you died Finn! I have already lost you too many times already. I c-can’t take it another time. Especially since I could have stopped you and I didn’t!”

“Poe-” Finn starts to say.

“No! You don’t get to Poe me right now.” He mirrors Finn's words, angry and hurt.

“Do you know how scared I was?! That I had to listen to you get blown to pieces? I thought I lost you again. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if that happened. I was thinking of the fact that my best friend would never wake up again and how I would be alone. I was thinking of you! Were you even thinking about me?” The last words are choked out. He 's suddenly not angry anymore. Instead he feels very tired. Finn is silent and Poe knows that he doesn’t have the right to say what he just did. It was selfish, extremely selfish and he doesn’t have the right to ask Finn any of this.

“I d-don’t-” Poe starts to say. He wipes at his eyes. Fuck, he doesn’t want to cry in front of Finn. So he turns to leave. But he doesn’t make it very far because he is suddenly yanked into two strong arms. He tries to struggle away, he doesn’t want Finn’s pity. It is the least of what he wants - but Finn isn’t letting go. 

“Hey, Poe it’s okay.” He says softly into Poe’s hair. And Poe knows it's not actually okay. But he doesn’t have the energy to argue, so he stops struggling. He tries to breathe, but he can’t because suddenly, he is crying. Poe doesn’t remember the last time he cried. Maybe when his mother died when he was 8. Or maybe when Muran died? He doesn’t cry very often and now it’s like someone opened the goddamn floodgates and he cannot seem to stop.

“What about me?” He chokes out once again and desperately clutches at Finn’s soft shirt. Finn is silent but he hugs Poe closer to him. And Poe’s frame is shaking with sobs. He cries for his lost squadron and for Rose’s sister. He cries for his friends lost in the last few days and for the people gone that he didn’t know the names of. He also cries for himself, and he cries the most he has ever done in his whole life. And Finn isn’t saying anything, but he isn’t leaving either. He just holds him tighter and doesn’t seem to care that his shirt is getting soaked by all of Poe’s tears. When there are no more tears left to cry the sobs continue. 

Finn gently eases them down to the floor so he can rest against the wall. He doesn’t let go of Poe though, and Poe is grateful for it. They sit in silence and a lot of time must pass as Poe’s legs get increasingly numb. Still, he doesn’t want to move. He wonders briefly if Finn thinks he is asleep. He knows he won’t be able to sleep properly for a few days after this breakdown even though he feels tired all the way to his bones. Finn is stroking his hands down Poe’s back so it seems he is awake. 

“Please don’t ask about it.” He quietly says. Right now he doesn’t want to talk about his breakdown or DJ or anything at all. What he really wants is to stay with Finn like this for a while. Finn’s hands still and Poe tenses.

“Okay.” Finn says. “I won’t.” And he continues to rub his back. They are both quiet again after that. After a while Poe pulls away. Finn reluctantly lets go of him and Poe leans against the wall behind him, mirroring Finn’s position. He looks down at his hands. They are shaking a little. He avoids Finn’s eyes. Now that he has stopped crying, he suddenly feels very embarrassed by what happened. This was not exactly what he intended for to happen when he planned to see Finn. He was just going to tell him he was angry at him for disobeying his orders and then leave it at that, not have a freaking breakdown and cry. Finn breaks the silence.

“Rose said something similar to me before she passed out. 

“Yeah?” Poe says but is still not looking at him.

“Yeah, she said ‘We are going to win this war not by fighting what we hate, but saving what we love’.” Poe stills for a moment and then slowly looks at Finn.

“Smart woman.”

“Yeah she is.” Finn smiles a little. Poe feels a twinge in his gut at that. Finn starts to frown, though.

“She kissed me.” He says and looks down.

“Oh.” Is all Poe can manage to say. To be absolutely honest, he is not surprised. It is Finn after all.

“Yeah…” Finn trails off.

“Erm… did you like it?” Poe manages to ask. Finns frowns a little more. 

“I don’t know.” He says. They are both silent again. Poe bites his lip.

“Have you ever been kissed before, Finn?” Finn looks up at that.

“Yeah.” He says. “But not like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like it is supposed to mean something.” Finn says. They lock eyes and Poe can't look away. He gulps and tries not to think too closely about how close to each other they are actually sitting. No. Now is not the time. But Poe knows what he means by those words though. He is no expert in the relationship department, but from the few serious ones he's had, he knows when kissing someone means something and when it is just for fun, or for release, or to escape. There are all kinds of different kisses, but some are certainly more special than others.

“Do you love her?” Poe eventually asks.

“Yes.” Finn says and Poe really believes him.

“But not like that. I love her in the same way like I love Rey. Like I want to protect them both even though I know they can protect themselves. And I like it when she smiles and I think she is funny and loyal and brave.” Finn says. Poe nods.

“But not in a way where I want to kiss her. She is my friend.” Finn says. And Poe is relieved - and he hates that he is because he has no claim on Finn - and after what has just happened Poe is a shell of who he used to be. Finn deserves someone better than Poe.

“Okay, well, loving someone as a friend is a good thing as well.” Poe says and smiles a little.

“I’ve never really had friends before.” Finn suddenly says and it surprises Poe. He doesn’t actually know what to say to that. He's a little out of knowledge here.

“It was never encouraged in The First Order.” Finn continues. “I mean, we performed duties together and ate together and slept in the same room and fought together, but I don’t know, it never felt the same way it feels like when I am here, surrounded by people who have put their differences aside to fight for freedom.”

“And there was no one you ever felt close to in The First Order.” Poe finds himself asking. Finn is quiet for a while.

“There used to be this guy, we weren’t exactly close but he was smaller than me and people used to pick on him a lot. And I did what I could to protect him. His name was Slip.” Finn eventually says.

“I suppose he was sort of my friend.” Poe lets Finn talk without interrupting him, figuring that Finn maybe hasn’t spoken to anyone about this.

“Having you look out for him seems like a very good thing to me.” 

“I couldn’t protect him though.” Finn looks sad now and Poe never wants to see that expression on his face again.

“In my first combat, on Jakku, I was distracted. I had never been in battle before and everything was so loud, and people were screaming and I didn’t know what to do. So lost sight of him.”

Poe is suddenly very uncomfortable. He has his own memories and images from that battle too. And what happened after left far worse traces than anything before.

“I eventually found him but before I could get to him he was shot.” 

Poe closes his eyes.

“He died in my arms.” Finn says. “Before he died he touched my helmet. I don’t know but something in me changed when it happened. Like I finally realised that this, killing unarmed innocent people is wrong. I couldn’t do it after that and Snap’s blood on my helmet made me I don’t know… wake up.”

Poe feels like he has been punched in the gut. He remembers this because he was there. But from Finn’s story comes the sudden realization that it was him who shot Slip.

Fuck.

The stormtroopers were attacking innocent people and he fired a few shots at random troopers. He didn’t even know they were actual humans underneath the helmets and fuck - he killed one of Finn’s friends. How the hell was he even supposed to tell Finn about this? He would never forgive him. 

Poe Dameron is a murderer.

He bites back the tears.

"I was in a haze before Jakku. Just doing what I was told, never questioning it or speaking up. Punishment for inappropriate behaviour was such a common thing and I was scared...I'm ashamed of it now, but I didn't know any better you know? And Snap dying it was I guess the thing that made me snap out of it. It's not right that he died but maybe if I hadn't been on Jakku that one time I wouldn't have ever woken up." Finn says sadly. 

And Poe he doesn't fucking know what the right thing to say is. It's too much for Poe to even wrap his head around. Finn's just so strong, stronger than Poe is, stronger than anyone really should have to be,

“I am sorry about your friend.” He settles for. I am sorry I shot him he leaves unsaid.

“Yeah, me too.” Finn says. 

Poe is at a loss for words. What does he say now? What does he even do now?

Slip is now another name on the list. It keeps getting longer and longer and he knows that someone his age should not have had to kill as many people as he has done. Poe feels disgusted by himself. 

“Have you had anything to eat?” Finn asks and changes the subject. Poe goes along with it, feels grateful for the change of topic. He's too raw to unpack what Finn's just said, he's not the right person for this. He's not enough.

“No, I can’t remember the last time I had food.”

“Well, come one then.” Finn gets up and gives Poe his hand. Poe takes it without thinking, like it's second nature to him. Finn lets go of it when he's standing up, and Poe finds himself almost losing balance because of it.

“Woah.” Finn says and steadies him. He is so close again. Slowly, he looks up, and Finn’s eyes are already on him, an unreadable expression on his face. Poe doesn’t know what it means and he isn’t sure he really wants to. But he also doesn’t want to step away from Finn either, it's weird. He can’t help himself though and his eyes drifts down towards Finn’s lips. He-

And he is interrupted by angry beeping.

BB-8 rolls into his legs aggressively and Poe lets go of Finn. He takes a step back just to put some distance between them.

“Hi buddy.” Poe says. BB-8 isn’t impressed.

“I know, I am sorry, I haven’t been hiding from you, I would never do that.” He kneels down and puts a hand on his droids head.

“I’m fine, BB.” He says and smiles a little at the droid’s concern.

“Hey, why are you insulting my looks.” Poe gasps. “I look the best I ever have.”

BB-8 rolls back a little and looks up at him. It beeps again.

“Buddy that’s rude.” Poe says, but he can’t help but laugh at the straightforwardness of the droid.

“Yeah yeah I know what I did was worse, okay I'm sorry!” 

BB-8 doesn’t seem fully convinced by Poe but it gives him a thumbs up and let’s it go. Finn has a fond look in his eye at the interaction. 

“Damn I need to learn how to understand binary.” Finn says. BB-8 beeps at that. Finn gives Poe a questioning look.

“BB-8 agrees.” Poe says.

“So let’s go find some food.” Finn says and starts walking. Poe and BB-8 follow closely behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The tagline of this fic really is Poe needs a hug! 
> 
> Next time: Leia imparts some wisdom, Poe and Finn talk a lot, DJ makes an appearance and there is only one bed that will be shared by two idiots in love!
> 
> This is beta-ed by my fave Ellie as always!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life got in the way and now I am back again (maybe)

Poe can tell Finn is worried about him. After his breakdown, Finn has only really left his side to go check on Rose, but he’s never gone for more than 30 minutes at a time and always comes back with food or caf or water for Poe to eat or drink. He isn’t obvious about it, and he isn’t hovering, but he is definitely concerned. And Poe hates it, he hates that look. It reminds him too much of pity, like he will suddenly break. It makes his skin crawl. But he also doesn’t have it in him to send Finn away. He knows he doesn’t even deserve Finn’s concern but he doesn’t really want to be alone either. It’s selfish, he knows, but he is sleep deprived and he is about to see DJ in less than 10 hours, so he just can’t stand to be on his own. He thinks he deserves a little bit of a leeway in this moment. Right now, he’s sitting in the cockpit of the Falcon. The soft humming of the enginge not having the calming effect it usually does with Poe’s fried nerves. Chewie is in the other seat, checking over settings and Finn is sitting behind him with an absent look on his face.

He has always dreamed of piloting this ship. It’s a legend and he remembers vividly how his mom used to talk about it. And now, when he is finally in it, he can’t bring himself to feel any joy over it. Maybe if it wasn’t heading straight towards a man he doesn’t want to see then he would at least want to pilot it a voice at the back of his head is saying. And there might be some truth to that. The closer they get to Naboo, the more uneasy he feels. He can’t remember the last time he saw DJ, but it must have been at least 6 years. He thinks the last time he saw him was just before he joined the rebellion, and they didn’t exactly part on great terms. Well - it started off fine and Poe had left wanting to punch him in the face. And he hasn’t thought much about him in the years after their well... breakup, if you can even call it that. Not until Finn told the rest of them what had happened on Canto Bright and everything that came after. And Poe had felt hot shame pool inside of him. It is a mess that’s what it is.

He also can’t help but think that maybe if DJ and him didn’t know each other, then he wouldn’t have betrayed Finn and Rose at all. He can’t say for sure, because back when he knew DJ, he still only did things for himself and himself only. That hadn’t changed. And DJ had made sure Poe knew exactly that when they met, and yet Poe was young and stupid and so incredible bored that he didn’t care. And he can’t even say, thinking back on it now, that it wasn’t all bad either. He wasn’t looking for something specific, he just wanted to have some fun, and DJ was different, and he knew how to have a good time. And the sex was great, it was what Poe was looking for at the time. But after Muran died, it all went to shit.

“General.” Finn says and Poe’s snapped out of his thoughts.

“Please sit, Finn.” Leia says kindly. “And please call me Leia.”

“Leia.” Finn says, but he doesn’t sit. Leia smiles and nods at Poe. He feels like he just got caught doing something bad. Not standing up for the General doesn’t exactly reflect well on him, but he can’t find it in him to either greet her or stand up.

“I would like to have a word with Poe, if that’s okay with you, Finn.”

“Yes, yes, of course.” He says, and takes his leave. Before he disappears around the corner, he stops and looks at Poe. Poe nods and Finn leaves. Leia takes Finn’s empty chair. Poe feels Finn’s absense the minute he can’t see him any more.

He’is not looking forward to whatever is coming his way.

“First things first.” She starts. “I am going to reinstate you as Commander.” Okay, he wasn’t exactly expecting that. 

“B-” He tries to protest.

“No, I don’t want to hear it, Poe.” She interrupts him. He closes his mouth. He doesn’t think he deserves to be Commander anymore.

“Secondly you need to stop what you are doing, this path leads nowhere good, Poe.”

He freezes at her words.

I-I-” But he realises he doesn’t actually know what to say.

“Stop blaming yourself.” She says.

“I don’t know how to.” And he wipes furiously at the tears threatening to fall again. 

“It wasn’t all your fault.” She says kindly.

“Yeah it was.”

“I said it wasn’t all your fault, yeah you are guilty of some things, but taking it out on yourself is not going to do anyone any good. Especially yourself. The guilt will eat away at you and you’ll become someone you don’t recognize.”

He doesn’t say anything. He thinks he will never be able to move on from this. He’s not sure he wants to move on from it. He wishes he could sleep, but the pain he carries is a good reminder to never let it happen again. To never allow himself to become this careless. And if people lives in the end because of it he’ll learn how to deal with becoming an insomniac. 

“Everything you did, Poe, you did because you care, because you thought you did what was best for people. And people follow you because they like you, and because they believe in you. But you have things to learn yet and I want you to learn them so that when this war is over you can with good conscious live with yourself knowing you did everything you could so people could live. So that’s why I am reinstating you as commander, so that you still have authority. But also because I trust you and I trust that you will learn from the mistakes you’ve made and become better. Do you understand?” She asks.

He looks away from her prying eyes. “Yes I understand.” He says. He hates it though. He doesn’t want any authority or powen, or for people to follow him. He’d rather people follow Rey or Finn than him. 

“Good.” She says.

“So this codebreaker guy.” Leia says and there is a spark in her eyes. Poe despite himself snorts.

“A bad choice I made a long time ago.”

“I don’t know, it seems to be serving us well now.”

“Only because there is no other way.” Poe says. Leia hums.

“You know after this we might have to change strategy.”

“What do you mean?” Poe asks. 

“The rebellion or the resistance have always fought similarly. We are becoming predictable and one of the reasons is that we claim to only fight with the good people. And good people are hard to come by these days, because for obvious reasons, no one is ever just good.” Leia says.

“So you want to make allies with the bad guys?” Poe feels surprised.

“No...but what about the people in the middle?” She smiles wryly. “Like your codebreaker friend there are lots of people like him in the galaxy, who if given the right payment or push would make unpredictable allies in the future.”

“DJ and people like him can’t be trusted, they fight only for themselves.” Poe says, annoyed.

“Aren’t we all in the end? You of all people should know that it isn’t that simple, Poe, people aren’t just good or bad. They are a mix of both, and if we don’t give everyone a chance to show their true colours, are we even better than the First Order?” Leia asks him sternly.

Poe remember a conversation with DJ a few years ago that sounded very similar to this.

“Maybe you are right.” He mutters.

“Maybe I am, it is worth thinking about.” Leia smiles knowingly. Poe snorts.

“And you should get some sleep, Poe, you look the worst I have ever seen you.”

“Gee thanks General, you know how to charm a man.” Poe jokes. Leia smiles her knowing smile again.

“It’s not me who needs to charm you, Poe.” She says. Poe is speechless for a moment. 

“What?” He says affronted.

“Nothing. Get some rest, Commander.” Leia gets up to leave and Poe is left feeling slightly sidetracked over what just happened. Did the General just tell him in a weirdly vague way that he needs to get laid? He shakes his head. Chewie makes a noise and Poe snorts.

“Yeah.” He agrees.

XXXX

He goes looking for Finn after a while. He is too fidgety to relax in the cockpit with the clock constantly ticking down. He finds Finn sitting in a corner hunched over a book.

“What ya reading there buddy?” He asks and sits down. Finn looks up from his book, a smile on his face. He has such a beautiful smile, Poe thinks to himself. It is one of those smiles that lights up a whole room. It’s hard not to feel yourself smile when Finn looks like that.

“I found this book on how to understand binary.” Finn says. Poe cannot help but actually smile at that.

“That’s great.” and he means it.

“Yeah, soon enough I will be able to understand all the droids of The Resistance.” Finn is so enthusiastic. Poe cannot help but grin at Finn’s pure joy.

“You’ll be figuring it out in no time.” He says and Finn’s smile grows even wider. 

“I hope so.” If there is one thing Poe knows for certain about Finn, it is that he is a quick learner. He is the kind of person that once he sets his mind towards something, he will get it done. Poe admires that in him. 

“So I have a question.” Finn is saying.

“Yeah, shoot.”

Finn looks a little thoughtful for a moment before he says.

“You’ve must have seen lots of places while being a pilot. Planets and things. Which one is your favourite?” Finn asks curiously. 

It doesn’t take Poe long to answer.

“Yavin 4.” He says. “It’s where I grew up.” He explains and Finn turns his full attention towards him.

“I was in a hurry to get away from it when I was young, but now that I have been to other places I realise I really miss it.” Poe smiles.

“What is it like?”

“Green, it’s green everywhere, no desert.” Poe jokes. Finn laughs at that.

“Good.”

“It’s also very hot. But I love it, it was a very good place to grow up.”

“Do you want to go back there?” Finn asks.

“Yeah, but not yet. When the war is over I want to. See my dad again and just… rest for a bit.”

“Your dad is still alive?” Finn asks and he has that big beautiful smile again.

“He is yes, getting old now.” Poe smiles as well.

“What about your mother?” Poe smile turns downwards.

“She died when I was 8.”

“Oh, I am sorry.” And he looks so sad about it.

“Nah don’t be, it was a long time ago. I miss her everyday though. She was the one who taught me how to fly.”

“Wow; she sounds amazing.” Poe wholeheartedly agrees with that. 

“Yeah she was the best. I take after her in most regards; I’ve heard. Me and my dad used to have massive fights when I was a teenager and I would throw these temper tantrums and refuse to listen. I was an annoying hot headed teenager; that’s for sure. I gave that man a hard time.”

Finn is laughing and Poe is smiling again. 

“Sounds a lot like the you I know.” Finn jokes.

“Hey! I am a lot more wiser and hotter these days.” Poe counters. Fin starts to laugh and it’s the most beautiful sound Poe has ever heard.

“Hotter maybe? Wiser, I doubt that.” Finn finally says and Poe tries not to let the comment about him being hot get to him. 

“Definitely wiser.” Poe says after a while.

“But you still throw temper tantrums.” 

Poe is outraged by that.

“Hey! That’s a lie!”

“You started a mutiny because you needed to buy me more time, that’s a little dramatic; Poe.”

And it is not really funny, the whole mutiny thing was a really bad thing he did and yet he can’t help but laugh. It feels good to laugh, even over something that is not that funny.

“Okay, maybe that was a little dramatic. But buddy, I am calm these days, you should have known me when I was a teenager, I was the worst.” 

“I believe that.” Finn says.

“Maybe I’ll take you home when this war is over. I think you would like it.”

“I would really like that.” Finn says softly. Poe wants nothing more than in this moment to hug Finn close to him and tell him that he will get to see everything there is to see in the galaxy. But he knows he can’t do that, because it’s not something Poe can promise him. It’s a promise he wouldn’t be able to live through if it wouldn’t work out. But this beautiful young man deserves to see the whole galaxy and all its species and planets, and if they both live through this hell then he silently vows that he will show it all to Finn.

“You know, one of the things that bothers me a lot, now that I’m free to do what I want, is that I feel like I’ve missed out on so much. I spent so long in The First order surrounded by lies, no one ever told me the truth. They used to say that the reason we were fighting is because people were corrupted and needed to learn the true way. And when I hear it now, it sounds so stupid, I know; but I believed that because I didn’t know any better. At least here people are honest and I like that. You’ve always been honest with me as well, and it means a lot.”

Poe feels himself go cold. He finds it’s hard to breathe. It’s like someone is pressing down on his windpipe and he wants to crawl out of his body. Away from the concrete floor he is sitting on and just get away. He should tell Finn now, now’s his chance. But the words don’t come. He opens and closes his mouth, but can’t bring himself to say the words.

He settles for a smile he hopes will go unnoticed.

“Of course, buddy.” Finn smiles back.

Poe feels like absolute shit.

Finn continues talking after that and Poe pretends to listen. He’s not fully there and he hopes Finn doesn’t notice. It gets easier after a while though, it’s not fully alright but he relaxes after a while when the conversation turns to flying and silly things. With Finn’s laughter he almost forgets about Snap in the moment. Almost.

Later BB-8 joins them and Finn picks up the binary book once again. Poe does his best to try and help him interpret BB-8’s beeping and explain what the different sounds mean. He wishes he could stay in this moment forever. Just him, BB-8 and Finn talking and laughing.

It is a lot later and Finn is drifting off. The book is splayed out beside him and his mouth hangs open as he breathes heavily. Poe is suddenly struck by how intimate this moment is. He almost feels bad for staring but he can’t help himself. Finn is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen, even when he is softly snoring. He closes the book and quietly gets up so he doesn’t wake him. He finds a blanket lying around and takes it with him along with a pillow. He slowly puts it over Finn. He can’t help himself and he slowly strokes him over the cheek.

He settles against the wall. The pillow wedged between his back and the metal and settles in for a sleepless night.

XXXX

It is hours later, and the peaceful moment he had with Finn is long gone. He is fidgety and nervous and he can’t sit still for very long. He has taken to pacing at the back of the ship. The clanking of his boots against the floor, keeping him a little more grounded. Naboo is approaching faster than he wants it to. It’s not long left now, and he doesn’t know how to prepare himself for when he steps out of the Falcon. Everything feels wrong and he can’t help but think that this is a mistake all together. It is way too late to stop this now; but he wishes he didn’t have to step off this ship. And he wishes Finn didn’t have to either. Poe can probably handle DJ, even after all this time. But Finn, he is so angry, and rightfully so and Poe hates that he is going to have to put Finn in a position he doesn’t want to be. 

How did it come to this?

The ship comes to a stop.

It’s time, Poe thinks, and stops pacing. 

He walks to the front of the ship where the rest of them are already waiting. Finn and Leia and Rey and Connix and D’Acy and BB-8 and Chewie and another thirty or so that remains of the resistance. No one’s talking. It feels eerie almost. Like they’ve all lost the spark of life they had a few weeks ago. Poe feels more guilty than he has in a long time. It’s his fault. He averts his eyes from the rest of them. Looks at the wall so he doesn’t haven’t to see their faces.

The door to the Falcon opens.

Here goes nothing, he thinks as he steps off the ship, Finn following closely behind him. 

The first thing he notices is the sun, it’s warm and it is so nice to feel it on his skin after being cramped up on a ship for so long. They’ve stopped by a lake surrounded by a massive green forest. In the distance, Poe can see mountains. To his left are ruins of what looks like an old rebellion base, barely intact. 

And then there is DJ. 

Poe starts walking and the rest follow him. He doesn’t like the implication of what that means. He used to think he would make a good leader, back when he was young and full of hope and very foolish. Now he knows the truth, he’d much rather be a follower.

Finn is following closely behind, almost hovering, his hand is resting on a blaster. Poe finally comes to a stop in front of DJ, the man just as tall as remembers him to be.

“Commander, General, the rest of the Resistance.” DJ says but his eyes doesn’t leave Poe.

“DJ.” Poe says.

“I wish I could say it’s good to see you, Poe, b-but that wouldn’t be true. You are l-looking pretty shit though, more shitty than I used to remember you. Still pretty though.” He says like an afterthought. 

Poe can feel Finn tensing behind him, and Poe covers his hand with his own. He doesn’t want any more fighting, not on his behalf. Finn relaxes his grip but only slightly. DJ is watching the exchange curiously and Poe doesn’t like that either.

“Things change.” Poe finally says. DJ looks away from Poe and Finn’s hands.

“Some things do indeed, some stay the same it seems. Like Poe Dameron still looking p-pretty even after turning 30 and DJ helping people he doesn’t want to help.” 

“We are very grateful about that, by the way.” Rey says sarcastically from the back and DJ looks slightly amused.

“Ahh the Jedi, pleasure to m-meet you.” DJ has a twinkle in his eye. Poe used to love that look. Now he never wants to see it again. 

DJ looks through the small group standing before him and suddenly comes to a stop when he sees Rose.

“She still alive?” He asks.

“Yes.” Finn says through gritted teeth. DJ is now looking at Finn.

“Good, she is the only one out of you l-lot I actually like.”

Poe can tell Finn is starting to lose his patience.

“Stop deflecting, DJ, you’ve made us stand out here long enough.”

“Still as impatient as ever, I see. Some things truly don’t change.” DJ starts walking.

“Come along!” and they follow.

“Are you sure about this guy?” Finn asks.

“Yeah, I’m sure.” And he is, but he is not a big fan of this situation either.

“Okay...if not, I would really like to knock him unconscious.”

“Get in line.” Rey says from Poe’s other side. He smiles a little at that. He doesn’t doubt that either Rey or Finn could take DJ out in a second if they wanted to. The real question would be who would do it first.

“If anyone is to knock him out, it is me.” Poe finds himself saying.

“I heard that!” DJ shouts. Good Poe thinks. 

They get to the opening of the ruins. They don’t look much to the eye. DJ stops and starts looking around for something. Finn gives him another look that says, you still sure?

“Aha!” DJ says, and it seems he found what he is looking for. He bends down and starts removing some of the stones. When he is done, there is a hole big enough to crawl through. DJ disappears through it; and Poe squares his shoulders. He goes after DJ. There is a small cave hidden under the stones and Poe suddenly finds himself closer to DJ than he would like. DJ gives him a knowing look.

“Don’t.” Poe warns. DJ holds his hands up in surrender.

“Fine, but you were thinking the exact same thing.”

Poe is saved from answering because Rey is the third person to enter the cave. She stands in front of Poe, and Poe is a little touched that both Rey and Finn seems to have elected to protect Poe of all people since they landed on Naboo. He’s sure those two have had a conversation about it. It is sweet, and in another lifetime he would probably have found it very hot as well. Now, he doesn’t think he is worthy of their concern. Another part of his brain also thinks it’s silly that he would ever need protection from DJ. DJ and him didn’t part on the best terms, but he knows that DJ would never do anything to hurt him, at least not in the way that required a blaster or a lightsaber. 

DJ seems to be thinking along similar lines, because he has that knowing look in his eyes again and Poe wants to smack it off his stupid face.

“Well this is f-fun.” DJ says.

“Get moving.” Rey commands and DJ actually does.

“Ay ay Jedi.” He says.

He moves further along the cave, and more people start entering. Finn comes next, and he takes the other side of Poe. Rey starts helping people down, and Poe decides to follow DJ.  
DJ has stopped again and taken out a small device. He starts thinkering with it and Poe waits patiently. When he is satisfied, he places it against the cave wall, and takes out another bigger device, in which he starts putting in weird numbers and codes by the looks of it. 

“What are you doing?” Finn asks. He doesn’t sound very impressed.

“I made sure to make this place undetectable, so I am breaking into my own coding, because I made sure not even I could get into it. And, if you recall I am the fucking best at what I do, it also means that I have to b-break into it. So this is going to take some time.” DJ says while typing furiously away at the keyboard. 

“Okay.” Finn mouths behind his back. Poe finds that a little funny. This Resistance really can be petty when they want to be, he thinks. 

More people are gathering in the cave and Poe is getting restless. He usually doesn’t mind small spaces but the cave walls feel like they are closing in on him. He starts clenching his fists, and twisting his fingers just to have something to do. Just so he doesn’t have to look at the dark walls. He almost stops breathing when Finn takes Poe’s much smaller hands into his. 

“Stop.” He says gently. Poe’s heart is suddenly beating so fast. And he knows this is not the time for this. With DJ this close, and the rest of the resistance behind him, he really needs to focus. Not lose concentration, and act like a lovestruck teenager.

DJ coughs and Poe actually blushes. He lets go of Finn’s hands immediately and takes a step back. DJ is smirking, and Poe hates him the most he has ever done in this moment.

“Done.” DJ says and types in one last thing before getting up, his eyes never leaving Poe. 

“Welcome to my humble abode, resistance fighters.” DJ steps back, and lets them enter. Poe opts to stay behind, letting everyone else go in before him. Rose is the last one to go in, being carried on a stretcher looking painfully pale. Poe doesn’t like the sign of that. DJ is looking at him again, and Poe refuses to meet his eyes.

“Stop.” He says.

“Hum.” DJ steps closer.

“I think you have a type, Poe Dameron.” DJ whispers into his ear. Poe closes his eyes and clenches his fist. And damn DJ, because he is definitely right. 

DJ steps away and into the cave. Poe follows. 

He doesn’t know what he was expecting DJ’s special hiding place to be like. But this is not it. It is big and spacious and luxurious, and Poe is actually impressed by it. He can’t keep that of his face and DJ is smirking. 

“You always expect so little of me, Dameron.” But there is no heat behind his words.

Rey and Finn are looking slightly awestruck as well. The caves seem to go on forever and he would not be surprised if some of them were under water as well. There is a big common room straight ahead, and he follows Finn into it. There are couches, tables and a big kitchen in there. It is like DJ planned to house an army. But then again, this was probably used by the Rebellion back in the day, so DJ probably just redecorated it. The rest of the resistance is impressed as well. It shows on their faces, along with relief. And Poe feels like maybe this will be worth it. If only the people who are left get some sort of peace and quiet after what they have been through, this might turn into a good thing. 

BB-8 happily rolls past him, beeping excitedly, and Poe very much agrees with it. He does, however, not agree with BB’s decision to roll towards DJ. DJ bends down.

“Ahh, hello there little f-fella, good to see you again.” BB-8 replies and Poe would very much like to step in between those two and never let DJ speak to it again. But those two always liked each other, and if Poe tried telling BB-8 not to speak to DJ, he would have one very unhappy droid on his hands. And BB-8 is a menace when it wants to be. So he lets them be and turns to Finn and Rey instead. 

Leia is the last one to enter the common room. She looks more regal than ever, Poe thinks. The rest of them quiet down, except for DJ, who continues talking to Poe’s droid. Poe is not surprised, DJ always had something against authority figures and Leia is the biggest one of them all. She walks up to DJ, and he finally shuts his mouth. She looks him in the eye, and Poe thinks that maybe DJ actually looks slightly uneasy. That’s funny. They stare at each other for a long time and DJ is the first to look away. Leia seems satisfied.

“We’re grateful for this.” She finally speaks.

“You get a month, then I don’t want to see you again.” DJ answers. Leia nods and DJ turns to leave the room.

“One last thing, room number 8 is mine.” And then he leaves. Poe tries not to think about the meaning behind it. They all turn to Leia.

“You all get three days off.” She starts. “No talk of politics or strategies or anything First Order, understand?” They all nod.

“And you all go rest and relax, and then when three days have passed, we will start rebuilding the Rebellion.” There are some cheers at the end and the group dissipates. Three days to relax. Poe doesn’t even remember the last time he was actually off duty. Being part of the Rebellion meant constantly doing something, if it wasn’t flying it was planning missions, or practicing or writing reports. He was always so busy. After Kylo Ren, he worked even harder than before, and the last two weeks he has been running high on adrenaline and some sort of backup energy. He hasn’t slept properly in months, and he actually wonders when he’ll crash. He knows this can’t go on forever and he will crack soon enough. If he could just get some goddamn sleep, then he would be fine. 

Apparently there is a medbay in this gigantic cave maze. Rose gets wheeled into it and Poe feels relieved to hear the room is equipped with supplies that will last for a while. It seems that DJ is prepared. Finn looks conflicted though, whether to leave with Rose or stay with Poe. Poe makes the decision for him.

“Go.” He says kindly.

“Are you sure? Poe nods.

“Yes of course, I will be fine.” Finn looks around the room and he doesn’t look convinced. 

“Promise I will be fine and I got Rey as well, she’ll protect me.” He means it as a joke since he is well aware that he doesn’t need protection, and in most cases, he can protect himself. But Finn seems more relieved.

“Yeah, good. I’ll come find you in a bit.” He says, and leaves. It leaves Poe with Rey, and he looks at her from the corner of his eye.

“I mean, I appreciate this, but if it comes to it, I can protect myself.”

“I know.” She has that wry smile again, Poe is growing familiar with being on the receiving end of.

“So is your friend sticking around then?”

“I really hope not. But knowing him, the answer is definitely yes.” Poe frowns.

“I see.” Rey looks thoughtful for a moment. “He seems to have a knack for putting Finn on edge.” 

Poe nods. “He has that effect on people.”

Rey nods again.

“I mean, I can only do so much when it comes to Finn. When it comes to you, he doesn’t seem to listen much to anything. So maybe talk to him about not shooting anyone while we’re here. He seems more inclined to listen to you than to me at the moment.”

Poe is taken aback by that. He thinks he recovers quickly, but maybe not quickly enough, because Rey is looking at him like that again.

“Yeah, sure.” He tries to smooth over his surprise and how his heart is once again speeding up. He fails spectacularly. 

“So three days off, what are you going to do with them?” He changes the subject.

“Meditate and practice, maybe some flying, I haven’t done that in a while.”

“Flying is like nothing else in this world.” And he knows Rey will understand what he is talking about.

“Yeah, well see you around, and try not to do anything stupid ok?” And with that Rey is gone. Poe is left feeling like Rey and Leia have spent way too much time together. 

He starts walking. He isn’t sure where to. But he is a little curious about this place. And he supposes that he should find somewhere to sleep for the night. Well, a room where he can rest, maybe since he doesn’t think he will sleep here either. After a while, he finds an empty room at the end of a long corridor. All rooms have numbers on them and Poe makes sure to steer away from number 8 and any number close to it.

When he’s far enough he settles for a room where the grey painting is coming off. It looks old but he can’t afford to be too picky. He opens the door to a warmly lit room. Not like what he’s used to, with living on a resistance base with white walls and bunk beds. This is very nice. A double bed in the middle and a window overlooking the river. He takes off his leather jacket and leaves it on the bed. He then finds that there is a bathroom connected to the bedroom, and he has a bathtub and a shower. How the hell did DJ manage to pull this off? He also wonders if all rooms look like this, or if he was just lucky enough to nab one like this. 

He walks to the sink, where there is a mirror. Poe realises that he doesn’t remember the last time he looked at his reflection. He is almost scared at what will look back at him. He does however look similar to what he always has looked like, but the bags under his eyes are the biggest he has seen before. It makes him look pale and almost sick like. He looks away, he doesn’t want to see himself any more. His eyes find the shower. It’s been a long time since Poe took a shower and enjoyed it. On the last base he had been on, there had only been communal showers, and it wasn’t exactly appropriate to shower longer than necessary. He makes up his mind and undresses. He waits until the water is hot enough, and then he stands under it for a long time. It feels so nice. He can feels the hot water loosen his muscles on his back and he wants to stay in here forever. He showers for longer than he has because he can, just letting the water wash away dirt and dust and dried blood. When he finally feels done his fingers have gone all pruny.

He towels himself dry, and opens the door.

Finn is sitting on his bed and Poe stops walking. Finn looks up, and Poe is eternally grateful that he left the towel around his waist. Because Finn is definitely not looking at his face. There is something in Finn’s eyes that makes blood rush not just to Poe’s face but to other places as well. Finn is biting his lip, and Poe thinks he could die right there on the spot. 

And then Finn looks away and the moment is broken. Poe breathes a sigh of relief. He walks over to the dresser, ignoring Finn while also rummaging through, hoping to find something appropriate to wear. He finds a pair of boxers and some trousers made from very soft material and decides that will have to do. He walks back into the bathroom, giving both himself and Finn a moment to recover. He leans against the cold wall and tries not to think too closely about Finn’s darkening eyes. 

“Fuck.” He whispers to himself. This is so bad. He dresses and the trousers are a little long on him, so he rolls them up. He bets he looks ridiculous like this, but he also feels soft and comfortable, so he can’t bring himself to care too much. 

He walks back into the room, and Finn is still sitting on his bed, holding Poe’s jacket. He sits down beside Finn on the ridiculously soft bed. He can’t help himself and he falls back against the soft mattress, closing his eyes.

BB-8, the traitor, seems to have found them as well, it beeps questions at him, too many for Poe to keep up with. 

“Yes, the bed is very comfortable.” Poe answers, he thinks that was at least one of the things BB-8 was asking.

“Stop calling me weird, I’m old, I like a comfy bed.”

BB-8 beeps, and Poe doesn’t answer it. The droid doesn’t care and goes about exploring the room.

“I lost your jacket.” Finn says.

“Huh?” Poe opens one eye.

“I lost your jacket, the one you gave to me. I’m sorry.” And Finn does sound really sad about it.

“Ah, it’s okay buddy, we can get you a new one.”

“Yeah?” Finn sounds hopeful.

“Yeah of course.”

“It won’t be the same though. I really liked that jacket.”

And Poe understands him. For someone like Finn, who has barely owned anything in his life that is actually his, he supposes that Finn did really value that jacket. Poe doesn’t really care about the jacket, per se, but he had really liked seeing it on Finn, so he understands.

“Yeah me too, especially on you.” 

Poe freezes. Did he really say that out loud? He looks at Finn and he is about to take it back, when he sees the way Finn is looking at him again. He doesn’t understand it fully, but it does things to his insides.

“Yeah?” Finn eventually asks.

“Yeah.” Poe finds himself whispering. They are both quiet after that, both seemingly lost in thought.

“Do you sleep ok Poe?” Finn asks then, breaking Poe out of his thoughts. 

He guesses he could lie and tell Finn that of course he does. But he finds that he can’t do it. Not again, even if it’s something small like this.

“No.” He confesses silently. “Not much any more.”

“Why?”

Poe bites his lip. He still doesn’t have it in him to lie.

“Nightmares.” He doesn’t want to say what they are about, though.

“I have those sometimes too.” Finn has lowers his voice as well.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“What helps with them?” Poe turns towards Finn. Finn looks thoughtful for moment. 

“Talking about them sometimes helps.” He mirrors Poe’s position, and they are again very close. Finn bites his lip, like he is contemplating something. 

“Sometimes my dreams are about the people I can’t save, the people that I love, and I am slowly learning that I can’t constantly walk around being scared of what might happen. I don’t know the future, and I don’t know what might happen tomorrow but I’d rather try and live everything to the fullest than remain on the ground unable to move because of fear. That’s not living life, you know. That’s just-”

“Existing.” Poe finishes the sentence for him.

“Yeah. And I don’t want that. And the more I think about it, the more pointless the dreams seem. It doesn’t always work, but sometimes it does.”

Poe is amazed by the man in front of him. How did he get so lucky to know someone like Finn ? Who is brave and strong and curious and kind. Finn used to be a stormtrooper, and he must have been scared so many times in the First Order, and yet here is he lying on Poe’s bed telling him that he doesn’t let his fear control him. He is honestly the bravest person Poe has ever known and Poe wants to protect him with all his heart. It aches with a longing he hasn’t felt in maybe forever. He really really really likes Finn, and he wishes he could be someone Finn could like back. 

But Poe is nothing compared to this man. Finn deserves so much better than him, and Poe knows that he should tell Finn about Slip. He needs to do it.

The words die on his tongue, again.

“You are amazing, Finn.” Slips out instead. Finn smiles shyly, and Poe wants to kiss him. He wants to kiss him so badly. 

Fuck.

It’s just him and Finn and BB-8, and it is quiet and this moment is soft. And Finn is wearing different clothes than he has ever seen him in. They are casual, just like Poe’s, and they are lying on a bed together. Just the two of them. And it is almost domestic. Domestic in a way Poe’s never had. And he realises he wants this. He wants to have someone to come home to after a long day, to lie in bed with and to eat with and to talk about silly things. He wants someone to grow old with. He wants Finn.

This is new, he thinks. He has always been a romantic at heart, which is why he’s never fully settled down before. He was never fully committed in the two serious relationships he has had. His heart was never fully in it, because he was always looking for something that wasn’t there. And he had been young once and sleeping around was fun, and he did it, occasionally, because why not. And he made sure his partners didn’t expect him to come back, because he wasn’t interested in anything serious. And it worked fine for Poe. But he has always known that deep down he was always looking for someone to love. Someone to give himself over to completely.

And here, on this bed in an old rebellion base, he thinks that he might finally have found the one person in the galaxy he would like to grow old with. 

He still wears his mother’s ring around his neck. He has worn it ever since he got it, because it was hers. And he always wanted to carry her with him, wherever he went. But he knows this ring is saved for someone special. Someone like Finn. He thinks that if he dies tomorrow, he would like Finn to have this ring. 

“Do you want me to sleep with you?” Poe is snapped out of his thoughts. Finn seems to realise the implication of what he just said and flushes. Poe is no better himself.

“Erm, I mean would you like me to sleep in here? To keep you company. It might help with the nightmares. I know that it used to help some of the troopers in The First Order.”

And Poe should say no. Because sleeping in the same bed with Finn is such a bad idea. It will be torturous. So he agrees because he is an idiot.

“Yeah, why not?” Finn smiles.

“But I can’t guarantee that I will actually sleep though.” 

Finn nods. “That’s okay, but you should try.” 

“I know. But my nightmares they….scare me you know. It makes it hard.” Poe confesses silently. 

“I know. Is there anything you think would help with it?” 

Poe shrugs. He honestly doesn’t think there is anything that would help. Well, maybe if he stops blaming himself for everything that he did, then yeah maybe. But he can’t do that, so he will have to suffer instead. He deserves to suffer a voice whispers at the back of his head.

“Maybe just tell me a story. My mother used to do it when I was little.” And Poe knows that this is the most ridiculous thing he has actually ever said. But he is a little desperate and he wants Finn to talk about something, just anything because then at least the voices are quiet.

“Okay.” Finn says. “But first, we need to get into bed properly. And also brush our teeth.”

Poe can’t remember the last time he did that, so he can’t really argue with that. He gets an idea and gives Finn a mischievous look before he grabs a pillow and whacks it, not too hard for obvious reasons, at Finn’s face before he takes off for the bathroom. Finn recovers quickly enough and races after Poe.

“I didn’t know we were racing.” Finn is saying, closely behind him. 

“Try and keep u-.” He lets out an embarrassing squeak as Finn tackles him to the floor. They both go tumbling around before Poe ends up underneath Finn, both of them panting heavily. 

Finn starts laughing and whoops.

“Got ya, old man.” Finn says. Poe almost forgets to be offended because Finn is sitting on top of him and in this position he is pressing right into his dick. This is so bad.

“Who are you calling old?” Poe says weakly and hopes that Finn doesn’t notice.

“You.” And Poe takes that as his chance before flipping them over. Finn’s eyes widen and Poe can’t help but smirk.

“You sure?” he says and raises an eyebrow. Finn nods slowly, his eyes growing dark and Poe he can’t fucking help himself. His gaze drops down to Finn’s lips, and he licks his mouth. Finn’s hands tense around Poe forearms where they somehow ended up and Poe finds himself leaning slightly forward at Finn’s pull. Poe really wants nothing more than to lean forward and kiss him. 

He doesn’t. He finds some sort of strength and pulls back.

“We should really brush our teeth.” His voice is hoarse. Finn’s only response is to nod. Poe gets up and takes two steps into the bathroom.

“I won!” The moment is broken.

“You cheated!” Finn exclaims and gets up to grab one of the toothbrushes Poe hands him.

“I did not!”

“Yes you did.”

“I think you are a bad loser because an ‘old man’ just won over you.” 

“You are an old man with dirty tricks.” Finn says.

“Sureeee.”

They both giggle and Poe is once again caught in how rare a moment like this is in a war as brutal like this one. 

They finish brushing their teeth and walk back into the bedroom. Poe takes of his socks, but the t shirt and trousers he keeps. He has a tendency to always get cold. When he used to fly long missions, his hands used to get so cold due to bad circulation that it took him hours while on land to feel warm again. He is the same when he sleeps. It’s like his body temperature just drops and more often than not he wakes up shivering in the early morning hours. He hates the cold, and he hates cold planets. He was lucky enough to grow up on a planet where the temperatures never dropped below 15. So he quickly gets underneath the duvet and makes himself comfortable. Finn looks uncertain for a moment before his hands grabs the hem of his shirt and he pulls it over his head. Poe eyebrows shoot upwards at the sight. Finn is all smooth and defined and Poe is almost salivating at the sight. He turns around because he can’t deal with that. Finn leaves the trousers on, and Poe is grateful for that. Sleeping in the same bed fully clothed is bad enough, but this, Finn without a shirt in the same bed as him? It is hell.

Finn settles against the pillows and Poe slowly turns around. He has pulled the duvet all the way up to his chin, mainly to use as some sort of protection. Which is also silly. Finn smiles a little at the sight and Poe ignores the feeling in his stomach. They mirror each other’s positions once again.

“So what would you like me to tell you?” Finn asks and Poe has almost forgotten that he asked Finn to tell him a story. He shrugs.

“Anything.” Poe just wants to listen to Finn talk.

“When I was in The First Order there were these food bars that only the higher ranking officials were allowed. One of the troopers - Bug, we used to call him - got the idea to steal some from Captain Phasma and from the other Commanders. Only the bravest ones joined in on the idea. It was such a risky plan and yet they did manage to do it in the end. That week we all had those bars after bedtime. Slip didn’t get any so I shared mine with him. But I made sure to savour my for as long as I could that week.”

“And you didn’t get caught?”

“No, Bug was clever and they made it look like the officials had all been stealing from each other, and they didn’t suspect a thing.” Finn is looking so delighted and Poe can’t help but smile as well.

“I’m impressed.”

“It has also now made me realise that I want to try new foods. The First Order always used to feed us the same, and while it wasn’t bad food there wasn’t a lot of flavours, you know.”

Pod nods. “Yeah I get that. I mean the Rebellion doesn’t have great food either but I am imagining it is better that The First Order’s.”

“Absolutely.”

“You know if I live through this war.” Finn begins but Poe cuts him off.

“You will.”

Finn smiles and continues.

“Then I want to see the whole galaxy, the discovered places, the undiscovered places. The hot and the cold planets. And eat all the food I can, just try as many as I can so I know what they all taste like.”

“Sounds like a good plan, buddy.”

“Yeah?” Finn has that hopefully look once again.

“Yeah.” 

Poe thinks about telling him about Slip again. He isn’t sure how much longer he can keep it from Finn. It’s not fair. But Finn is looking soft and happy and if Poe tells him this moment will shatter. He only doesn’t do it because he’s selfish, and he wants to saviour another peaceful moment with Finn. He’s not had many recently and this war just takes and takes and takes and Poe wants to live in the moments that are quiet and comfortable, the ones that are just for him, the ones the war can’t claim. 

“What are you thinking of?” Finn asks.

“Just how happy I am you’re alive.”

Finn smiles.

“Me too.”

“I don’t know what I would do if you left me, Finn. This war, buddy, it makes it very hard to keep a hold of the good things, the things that matter.” He confesses.

 

“And I know I can’t ask you to stop fighting Finn, it wouldn’t be right. But I need you to understand that there is so much more in life than this war, than seeing your friends hurt, than dying. There is beauty here as well, and I don’t want you to miss out on the chance to experince it. So all I’m asking is that you’ll promise to be careful, and not for me, but for yourself.”

“Okay, I promise.” Finn says, slowly reaches out, and his hand strokes back one of Poe’s curls that’s escaped. He doesn’t take his hand away.

“Did you know I’ve never kissed anyone in a way that’s meant something? I don’t know, but I always thought it would feel special, like flying does. Like, when I saved you, and we escaped, that was special. Or when I met Rey and joined the Resistance. I’ve done more things that’s made me feel something than all the kisses I’ve shared with the troopers in The First Order.”

Poe isn’t expecting Finn to say that and he is unsure of what’s expected of him here. What’s the right thing to say.

“Were you allowed to kiss in the First Order?”

“No…. well it was never really talked about, but everyone did it. We all have needs and sometimes we helped each other out. But it was never anything that made me feel anything.” 

“So you like men then?” Poe’s pulse picks up.

“There are female stormtroopers as well.” Finn is smirking and Poe blushes.

“Oh, okay, I guess not even The First Order discriminates huh.”

Finn laughs.

“But no, I like men, you?”

“Both.” Poe chokes out once again brought back to the conversation they are having.

“That’s cool. You’ve kissed many people, then?”

“I do have a couple of years on you, buddy, so yes, I have, but not many of those were special either.”

“Not even DJ?” And Poe grimaces. 

“DJ and I, it’s complicated. I was very young and he was older and fun and a little crazy. At the time I liked it. But it didn’t last. And I wasn’t expecting to see him again.”

“And now?” Finn has a strange look in his eyes.

“I think that I don’t want to be angry anymore, Finn. DJ is a complicated person, but I’m tired Finn, very tired and in the end I can’t change what happened.”

“I see. Do you regret it?”

Poe thinks he could lie and say yes, to spare Finn.

He shakes his head instead. 

“No, I learnt something from it, and like I said it wasn’t all bad either.”

“But you don’t have any feelings for him anymore?”

“No.” He tries to sound as reassuring as he can. “I’m not sure I even really had feelings for him, I felt something for him but not I’m not sure what. And me and DJ would have never worked. And I’m getting old, and when this war is over I’d like to settle down at some point.”

Finn looks relieved, and it strikes Poe that the reason Finn’s been acting all weird and hovering is because he might have thought that DJ and him would want to strike up whatever they had when they saw each other again. If only Finn knew how far away from the truth that was.

“I’d like that too.” Finn says softly and Poe smiles. The person who settles down with Finn will be very lucky.

After that they talk for a while. Poe doesn’t even remember what they actually talk about. It is mostly Finn. And Poe loves listening to Finn’s voice. It soothes him. And as the sun slowly settles, Poe finds himself drifting off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always it's edited by my guru Ellie! Thanks so much for all the chats and the brainstorming and everything in between!
> 
> I also have a tumblr: beeexx.tumblr.com where I spend too much time!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I am back, I haven't forgotten about this!
> 
> I'm just never going to have a consistent updating schedule. Tehe
> 
> But while I've been away I've made the decision to make this into a series, and part 2 is already way underway. No one shall be rid of me just yet.

Poe opens his eyes slowly to shield them from the sun shining in his face. With sudden clarity he realises that it’s morning. And that he’s slept. He must have slept through the whole night. He doesn’t remember the last time that happened, and he truly doesn’t remember the last time he didn’t have any night terrors. It’s such a relief, to feel this warm and comfortable. Like a distant memory of who he used to be, a reminder that maybe there are parts of him left that aren’t as tainted. He also isn’t cold. That’s how he usually feels like these days, like he can’t fully escape the coldness that clung to him in Kylo Ren’s cell. Poe’s always had a tendency to it, flying for long hours usually left his hands unable to lose the staleness for hours afterwards. And he hated it before Kylo Ren, but after. Well it’s pretty much become a constant companion. Something he’s had to get used to even though he wants nothing more than to be rid of it. 

But now, well, he’s warm. His body feels settled in a way it hasn’t in a long time. It almost doesn’t feel like this is his own body. He can’t help but turn towards the source, wanting to bask in it while he can. Until it disappears. He finds its source, and it shouldn’t surprise him that it comes from Finn. He is sleeping softly beside him. His mouth hanging open slightly and his breathing slow and steady. The duvet hangs dangerously low on Finn’s body and it really is a sight. Poe wishes he could touch. But he also doesn’t have the courage to reach out and feel what Finn’s skin would feel like under his fingers. It would be highly inappropriate. He realises that they are holding hands. He wonders how that happened. Have they held hands all night? Did he do it in his sleep? Or did he do it when Finn was awake. He doesn’t know and it unsettles him slightly that his body betrayed him like this. But he also thinks that Finn is still holding his hand relatively tight for someone who is asleep so it can’t be fully unappreciated by him. He slowly reaches over with his other hand to disentangle himself. Finn’s hand is so soft and warm underneath his and it explains why Poe is waking up feeling warm. Finn’s blood runs hot. He seems to have exceptional body heat. He wishes he could savour it little longer but lets Finn’s hand go. At the sudden loss of Poe’s hand, Finn stirs awake. Poe quickly removes his hand and pretends he wasn’t ogling Finn just a second ago.

“Hi.” Finn says, his voice groggy. And his voice is even deeper than it normally is. 

“Morning.” 

“So you slept well?” 

Poe raises his eyebrow at the question.

“You fell asleep in the middle of a conversation yesterday.” Finn is smiling, Poe notes distractedly. 

“Oh.” Poe doesn’t even remember how that had happened. He guesses the exhaustion finally hit its limit. 

“Yeah, well you looked like you needed it.”

“Yeah I probably did, no nightmares either.” And Finn smiles even brighter. 

Poe yawns and stretches, his shirt rises up on his chest. He doesn’t miss how Finn quickly averts his gaze. Poe’s not sure what’s going on here. And a part of him does want to find out. The impulsive side of him that doesn’t know how to sit around and do nothing. That side of him wants to fully turn towards Finn and ask him what’s happening between them. But the other part of him, the one filled with guilt and doubt and self loathing is too afraid. And he knows it’s not fair on Finn to lead him on while not being completely honest. He can’t start a relationship like that.

And woah, where did the world relationship come from? He really needs some caf so he can wake up fully.

“We should get up.” Poe says. Finn hums and it doesn’t look like he wants to move. Poe laughs.

“I didn’t know you were a morning person.” He says.

“Me neither. Are you?” Finn asks.

“Yeah, well I didn’t used to be. When I was younger I could sleep all day. But I’ve been at the academy and in the Resistance for so long that my body is now used to waking up early.”

“I think I would like to not be a morning person.” Finn says. “Lying in bed seems like a better option. Especially when they are this comfortable.”

Poe thinks that he would like to spend mornings in bed with Finn as well.

After a while Poe starts to get fidgety and Finn takes mercy on him. So they do get up, eventually. 

XXXX

When they do eventually make it out to the main room, they have a scuffle with the machine that makes caf. Poe is desperate for some but his brain is also just working on maybe 25% and he can’t seem to figure out how the many settings work. All he wants is caffeine so he can wake up. Can he at least get that mercy?

“I’m pretty sure this is how to do it.” Finn says.

“No that’s not it, we have tried that already.” Poe’s patience is wearing thin.

“Okay well let me just....” Finn starts fiddling with it again.

Rey finally takes pity on them.

“Boys.” She rolls her eyes and apparently presses the right settings because then Poe finally has a steaming hot caf in his hands, and he feels happy and human again. Finn laughs at the very obscene sounds Poe are making and he can’t even be bothered to care. DJ, however, has a knowing look in his eyes, and Poe glares at him.

Two hours later and Poe’s happy mood from the morning has vanished. Apparently Rose has woken up. And while he is happy that she is alive, and mostly well, he also doesn’t like the way Finn takes off, barely looking back at him. He’s happy for Rose and he is happy Finn is happy but if he’s going to be honest with himself, he suddenly feels very alone. He doesn’t blame either Finn or Rose, but he feels jealousy mixed with sadness pool in the pit of his stomach. And he can’t seem to take being alone these days. He can’t stand his own company. So he goes looking for BB-8. He hasn’t seen it since this morning. He walks around for a while, looking in all areas that don’t seem occupied. Finally when he tries a door it opens to the outside. The space outside is covered in green grass and caves surrounds it. The place is really nice. The sun is shining warmly on his face. He closes his eyes for a second and allows himself just to exist in the warmth for a little bit. It’s almost as nice as this morning, almost. 

When he opens his eyes he spots DJ and of course BB-8 sat in the middle of the grass. He can’t even say that he is surprised, but he is a little annoyed. He considers leaving the two of them where they are, but he also doesn’t know what he will do then. It’s not like he can go bother Finn. Poe feels desperate so DJ will have to do.

“I see you have stolen my droid.” He says and crosses his arms. His tone is not angry though. He doesn’t have the energy to fight, not even with DJ. 

DJ looks up and BB-8 beeps.

“Yeah yeah, you two always were a nuisance.” Poe sits down beside DJ. He looks suspicious.

“BB-8 was telling me about its t-time with the Resistance.” And Poe is happy DJ doesn’t ask what he’s doing here.

“Oh yeah.” Poe smiles at BB-8.

“Yeah very exciting stories you two have. And you’re still looking as sexy as ever flying I b-bet. That orange flight suit truly did wonderous things for your ass.”

Poe rolls his eyes but he can’t fully hide his blush. It doesn’t go unnoticed by DJ who laughs.

“Ah I forgot h-how fun it was to unsettle you, I’m happy to know I still have that e-effect on you.”

“That’s the only effect you have on me these days.” He mutters. DJ barks out a laugh.

“You always did put on such a strong f-facade. Trying to hide that soft heart you wear on your sleeve.”

“Some things don’t change, as you’ve said.”

“No, some do, some don’t.”

They sit in silence. Poe is looking at the grass. It’s soft under his fingers, he’s missed it. He’s been surrounded by harsh surfaces and so many lifeless things for so long that it feels riveting being out in the sun surrounded by life. Life that’s untouched by the First Order and its horrors.

“BB-8 told me you g-got taken by The First Order.” DJ breaks the silence looking at Poe very carefully as he freezes.

“Traitor.” Poe says and BB-8 beeps outrageously at the accusation. 

“Must have been f-fun.” Poe turns to look at him.

“Yes lots of fun, having Kylo Ren walk all over my memories.” Poe says through clenched teeth. DJ looks genuinely surprised at that.

“You met Kylo Ren?” 

“Oh yeah, lovely chap. Did his Jedi mind tricks on me, searched through every good memory I ever had and forced me to reveal some information he wanted.”

DJ actually looks disgusted at that. He seems at loss for words.

“T-that’s...Poe…” and DJ sounds sympathetic.

“Stop, I don’t want your sympathy. It happened and I’ve moved on.” Poe looks away. It is very clear that he hasn’t moved on from this at all. He wonders if he ever will. He dreams of it sometimes. How the pain had been excruciating. He did really think he would die there and while death doesn’t really scare Poe he had been scared in that chair. Kylo Ren had torn through his memories, his happy memories, the ones that he cherished above anything else, of his mother...The ones that made him part of who he is. And all of those had been tainted ever since. It made it hard to exist sometimes. 

“So how did you get away f-from that?” DJ asks and Poe is snapped out of his thoughts. 

“Finn saved me. That’s how we met. He needed a pilot and I needed rescuing.” Poe looks back at him. DJ smiles a little and whistles. 

“Not a bad story.” 

“And I killed his friend.” Poe confesses. He doesn’t actually mean to say it. It just slips out. But he’s been carrying this for a while now and he doesn’t want to anymore. DJ’s smile disappears.

“I killed his only friend and he doesn’t know.”

“You s-should tell him then.” 

“He’ll never forgive me for that.”

DJ looks thoughtful for a moment.

“Did you mean it?” He asks.

“I-I I didn’t know. It was self defense. They were killing innocent people on Jakku and I randomly fired some shots and accidentally hit one of his friends who died.”

“This is Finn though, of course he will forgive you.”

“Why are you being supportive DJ?” Poe is suspicious. DJ holds his hands up.

“I like F-Finn.” Poe scoffs.

“Bullshit.”

“Fine, I don’t like Finn but I don’t dislike him either. He is just too black and white for me.”

“He is a good person.” Poe defends.

“Oh yeah I don’t d-doubt that. He’s just so boring though.”

“DJ” Poe warns.

“Fine fine I will play nice about your boyfriend.”

“Not my boyfriend.” Poe blushes and DJ has that stupid look again.

“B-boyfriend to be then.”

“Not that either.”

“Why not?”

“Finn doesn’t like me.” Poe says and DJ actually laughs.

“Please Poe. Stupidity doesn’t s-suit you. Finn obviously likes you. Everyone likes you, Poe. You are fucking impossible not to like. It’s one of your worst qualities.” 

“I didn’t think I had any qualities worth liking after how we left things.” He doesn’t meet DJ’s eyes.

DJ sighs and slowly reaches forward, Poe’s first reaction is to move away. But he forces himself to sits still and lets DJ stroke him over his cheek. 

“You are one of the most hot headed, confident and impulsive people I have ever met. You are frustrating as hell and you and I we would never have worked.” Poe looks DJ in the eye and he knows he’s not lying. “I encouraged all those qualities because it was so much fun. I push and you push back, that’s how it was. It was fun while it lasted. But Finn, he’s different. He is more grounded than you are, he thinks before he acts. He has a lot of q-qualities that are considered good, even though I hate that word. And Poe Dameron, you are a catch, so that man should feel lucky to have you.”

Poe isn’t sure how the conversation turned into this.

“Does that answer your question? Of course you have qualities that are bad, we all do, but you have some great ones as well.”

BB-8’s agreeing beeps shakes Poe out of his thoughts. 

“Are you giving me a pep talk?”

“Yep.”

“Why it’s not like I need it.” Poe laughs a little.

“Nope, but you might want i-it.”

“You are being nice to me, DJ. That’s odd, you are never nice to me without reason.”

“Some things change.”

“And this is one of them?”

“Maybe.” DJ says cryptically. Poe’s not sure if he believes him or not.

“Also by Finn’s reaction I b-bet you haven’t told him what actually went down between us though.” Poe shakes his head and looks down.

“He’s asked, I’ve told him some of it but not all.”

“Well Finn already made up his mind about me, which is fine b-but it’s a shame that he has it out for me because he thinks I did something to you, when we both know who actually did the hurting around here.” DJ says but not accusingly. Poe looks up.

“You did you fair share of hurting towards me as well, DJ.”

“Also true, but I don’t think I am solemnly to blame for it e-either.”

“No.” Poe agrees. “You are not.”

Poe knows that he and DJ were chaotic at best. In the beginning it had been fun. Like any relationship with no strings attached it was exciting. And as the relationship progressed, Poe saw that DJ wasn’t as plain and boring as most people were. He was surprisingly intelligent but he liked to mask it beneath carelessness and arrogance. It took a while for Poe to see through it, but doing what DJ did, no one would last as long as he had done if he didn’t have a brain. He was also surprisingly caring and sweet and the few times he had showed it towards Poe, he always knew it was serious. Genuine. And he had really liked DJ, really liked him. Maybe loved him at some point. And he knows DJ really had liked him as well. But he agreed, they would have never worked out together. And the few fights they have had, they were nasty. Lots of shouting and screaming and the one time DJ had actually left and hadn’t come back for 3 weeks. When the relationship was good it worked but they were such different individuals with such different beliefs, that’s where they clashed. 

“So how long are you planning to stay here then?” Poe asks.

“Haven’t decided yet, might stick around just to be a nuisance.” DJ smirks.

“Yeah, I can’t exactly to promise that you’re going to be welcome after, well everything.”

DJ hums.

“Business is business, and the Resistance always d-did like to think themselves to be the good guys. But we are all bad in the end, I’d rather not choose a side.”

Poe doesn’t have it in him to argue. He doesn’t fully agree but he doesn’t completely disagree either. He knows that he has done enough bad shit to be considered a bad guy and somehow the reason people justify what he did is because he tried to protect people. And it doesn’t hold up, he thinks. Yes, he did what he did because he thought he knew best, and that’s why he failed. Because he got arrogant and big headed and then people died. And what he did was wrong. And Finn. Well Finn used to be a stormtrooper and Poe used to think they were all bad. But he knows that’s not true. Finn had to survive somehow in the First Order and he did so because of resilience. And because the troopers looked out for each other, and did mundane boring things, or played pranks. They did these things to stay alive and maybe feel something akin to joy in such a harsh place as the First Order. They did similar things to what Poe used to do at the Academy, maybe because in the end there are more things that make people alike rather than differentiate them. Things are not as black and white to Poe as they used to be.

So he understands why some people don’t want to join either side, and why some people do business with both. People are scared and people want to survive, and no one lives through a fucking war coming out on the other side completely ‘good’. If Poe lives he won’t. He will have blood on his hands.

“What? No snarky reply about why the Resistance are the g-good guys and the rest of the people who don’t pick a side are scum?” DJ raises an eyebrow.

“No.”

DJ actually looks a little shocked.

“That’s a surprise. The great Poe Dameron is not going do defend the good guys and give me a talk about doing it for the right cause?”

“No.”

“Damn, you really did change.”

“I guess I did. I wasn’t completely right giving you shit all those years ago. People are more complicated than that I’ve come to realise.”

“Hmm, well I g-gotta say I am happy you finally realised that. But it doesn’t seem to have come from a very good place.”

“Does it ever?”

“No.” DJ says sadly. “It never does.”

If that ain’t the truth of the century, Poe thinks. 

XXXX

Poe is on his way to find Finn. He has a pretty good idea where he is. He supposes it’s time he also faces Rose. He doesn’t know her well, but avoiding both Finn and Rose will do him no good in the long run. And he also has some things he needs to tell Finn. He feels a little better after his and DJ’s talk. Maybe he won’t take it as bad as Poe thinks he will. 

Maybe. 

He’s almost at the med bay when he runs into Leia.

“Ah, Poe. Just the man I was looking for.”

“General.” He says.

“Leia, please. We’re both off duty.” She winks.

“Leia.” He relaxes slightly.

“You look better, Poe. I won’t ask, but I’m happy you seem to have slept.” 

“Yes, I did.” And he tries to hide the flush on his face. Leia smirks.

But it disappears off her face as she becomes serious. 

“You should call your dad, Poe.”

“Why? Did something happen?” He feels panic begin to rise in his chest.

“No. But by now the news of the Resistance will have reached Yavin 4. The First Order will probably have fabricated lies about what happened. Still, he might not know you’re alive. And if anything were to happen to you, we both know who he would blame.” 

Poe feels himself relax.

“Okay, I will.” Leia smiles and pats him on the shoulder before leaving. Poe looks at the door he knows will lead to where Finn is. He should go inside, and talk with Rose. Ask how she’s doing, and wish her a speedy recovery. Then, he should ask to talk to Finn, just the two of them, and then he should tell him about Slip. He needs to tell him about Slip. It’s not right to keep information from Finn. He can’t keep this from him anymore. He doesn’t deserve it. Poe knows what he needs to do.

He does the opposite of it.

He turns around and heads back to his room where he picks up his communicator. Any opportunity he can get, he avoids doing what he should. He really is a coward. 

He dials the number he knows by heart and waits. The signal goes through and connects. It takes his dad a while to pick up.

“Poe?” His dad asks, his tone not completely calm.

“Yes dad, it’s me.” 

“Oh thank the stars you’re alright.”

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

“When the news reached me, I wasn’t sure whether to believe it or not, and then you didn’t call, and I was beginning to suspect the worst.”

“I’m sorry, I should have called. I have just been distracted.” And Poe feels incredible guilty. He’s been so distracted by everything that has been going on and with Finn and DJ and not sleeping he really just forgot. 

“It’s okay. I’m happy you did. How are things son?”

“Well, it’s not looking great. We’re all safe, the few of us who are left, though.”

“Good.”

“Yeah.” Poe sits down on the bed.

“I’m sure Leia will figure something out in the end.”

“I hope so. She’s given us time off, so no talking plans with her just yet.” 

“Maybe that’s for the best.” His dad mutters.

When Poe had told his dad that he was joining the Resistance, he hadn’t expected his dad to react the way he had. There had been shouting and Poe couldn’t for the life of him understand where his disapproval was coming from. Both Shara and Kes had been in the Rebellion, it made no sense to Poe why his dad wasn’t happy he was joining the cause. 

“I am doing it for you and for mom!” He had shouted in the living room of his childhood home. 

“If your mother was still alive, she would tell you the same goddamn thing, Poe!” His dad had said.

“You are such a hypocrite, do you know that? You fought in the Rebellion, you of all people should know that sitting idly by is pretty much choosing the First Order’s side. I can’t do nothing!” Poe had been furious. It was a long time since they had fought like this. Not since Poe was a teenager. 

“You don’t know what a war is like Poe. I do. This is just what you think you want. You think it will be all fun and games. It’s war Poe. It’s serious, people die.”

“Don’t treat me like a child. I KNOW people die dad!”

“Then stop acting like one!” His dad very rarely raised his voice at him anymore.

“I’m not, you’re just being an old man who refuses to listen to me.” Poe shouted back.

“I am telling you that you think you know what you are getting into! You don’t. And I don’t know what crap Leia has fed you about the Resistance and its glory but she shouldn’t be feeding you these lies.”

“Leia hasn’t fed me anything. I had to watch MY friend get shot down by the First Order and the New Republic won’t do anything about it. What am I supposed to do? Finish the academy while more ships full of innocent people get murdered and no one does anything about it!? I can’t.”

“Yes, that’s exactly what you should do!”

Poe is actually shocked by his dad’s words. He can’t believe what he is hearing.

“If mom was here she would support me. You never support me in anything I do.”

“Poe-”

“No!” Poe snapped. “I am doing the right thing and you are being impossible. Maybe when I am dead you’ll finally be happy again.”

And he had stormed out. He ran to the back of their garden and then sneaked around the fence to the tree he knew would be there. This was his place. He went when he was happy or sad. It didn’t matter but the force sensitive tree that stood there had always made him feel close to his mother. When he finally got there he let the tears fall. 

“I miss you mom.” He touched the tree in front of him. “So much.”

“Muran died. The First Order got to him, and I couldn’t do anything to help him.” He sniffed. 

“I’ve never felt so powerless than when I saw his ship get shot down. And dad, he won’t understand but I can’t sit by here and rot away while good people die. It’s not right, mom.”

“So I’m going to do what you did and join and I am going to shoot down as many ships as I can, for you and for Muran.” He sat silently for a while.

“And I think you would understand why I am doing this.”

He left the next morning, the air heavy in the house. He still stood by his conviction that joining the Resistance was the right thing to do. But shouting at his dad, he was less sure about. He went out to his ship and made sure it was ready for take off. He had a brief moment where he thought his dad wouldn’t see him off. But then his dad opened the door. He walked slowly towards Poe. When he was close enough Poe opened his mouth.

“Dad I’m-”

His dad embraced him tightly and Poe forgot how to speak for a moment.

“Don’t be, I’m the one who is sorry. But this is serious, Poe. No parent wants to see their children go to war, especially those who have lived through some themselves. They are not like the stories, they are way worse. They are not glorious, they are serious and harsh and they’ll test you in ways you’ve never been tested before.” His dad takes a step back and cups his cheek. He looks sad and old in this moment.

“I’m only saying this because I care about you, you have a light in you that shines very brightly and I’m worried that this war will snuff it out. And I guess there is nothing I can do about it. You’re old enough to make your own decisions Poe. But I’m getting old and I refuse to bury my own child. Do you hear me? If you’re going then you better make sure to come back alive.” Poe felt tears start to fall.

“I will.” He said. Kes Dameron looked his son in the eye then for a long time.

“You promise me you will come back.”

“I promise.”

He had joined the Resistance later that day. 

“I’m sorry dad.” Poe says through the communicator.

“For what?” His dad asks.

“For everything. For all the shouting and for the hard times I put you through.”

“Poe, are you sure you’re okay?” His dad sounds worried.

“Yeah of course, but I’m still sorry.” The war is far from over but Poe thinks that if he doesn’t live through this, then his dad should know that he is sorry for all he did to make his life more difficult than it had to be. Poe knows that Kes grieved Shara more than he let on. They had lived through a war and they had made plans for the future, and then he lost the love of his life. And Poe knows he did his best. He does have good moments with his dad. But Poe had missed his mother so much and instead he had acted out and put his dad through a lot of hard times and he regrets it now. Because his dad was a good person and a really good father and Poe doesn’t want him to not know. It wouldn’t be right.

“I know I wasn’t the easiest to deal with and I gave you a hard time.” Poe feels like he might cry again. 

“Poe. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. And to your mother. Don’t you ever believe otherwise. And the fighting? It doesn’t matter now because it’s in the past. You didn’t give me a hard time, don’t think that. You were always just very headstrong and stubborn like your mother. Your way was the only way. And you do remind me so of her when you act like that. But she would be very proud of the man you are today, Poe. Don’t ever believe anything else. And I’m also so proud of you son. And I love you so much.”

Poe doesn’t think he has ever cried as much as he has in the last few days but he lets the tears fall again. Not because he is sad but because he is relieved and he finds that he actually would like to see his dad again. It’s been a very long time.

“I love you too.” Poe says. After that they talk for a while. Poe considers telling him about Finn but decides not to. He will do it though, the next time he sees him. But he also thinks that Finn is someone Poe wants to talk about when they are face to face. When he hangs up it feels like a stone has been lifted off his chest. He wishes he had called sooner. 

He runs a hand through his hair and considers staying in his room. He feels raw after the talk with his dad. But he looks around the empty room and it doesn’t take long for him to feel on edge again. It’s not as bad as it has been but he feels uncomfortable enough that he doesn’t want to spend time with only himself as company. So he goes looking for the one person that will make the noise go away.

He finds them all outside. Rey is practising with a lightsaber looking very gracious and flexible. Finn is stood nearby and Rose is sat on the ground, covered in a blanket. He sits down beside her.

“Oh, hi Poe.” She says with a bright smile.

“Hi Rose. It’s good to see you on your feet.” He says and smiles a little himself.

“Doctor Kalonia says I will be up and running in no time. Well, she says that will happen but only if I rest. I can’t remember the last time I rested, can you?” 

Poe shakes his head.

“No, not since Leia told us all to take a day off. I find that rest doesn’t come easy these days.” He confesses. Rose gives him a look that tells him she knows exactly what he means.

“I am sorry about your sister. I never got the chance to tell you earlier. But I truly am.” Poe feels like he needs to say it. He knows he is partly responsible for her death as well. Rose looks a little surprised at that but she smiles a small sad smile after a while.

“It’s not your fault, she knew what she was getting herself into.”

“No, I am responsible, Rose.” He doesn’t think he deserves her forgiveness. Not for this.

“No, Poe. No one would have been able to stop her. Not even me. She believed what you and she was doing was the right thing. And I don’t want to taint her memory by you trying to blame yourself when she wouldn’t have wanted that. I’m not angry at you or at her, there is no point in that.”

Poe stares at her. He is suddenly struck by how lucky the Resistance is to have people like her. She is like Rey, he thinks, and a lot like Finn. Strong and kind, but they have this innocence about them, not because they haven’t seen horrible things but because they are pure and kind and don’tt let things get to them the same way they get to Poe. He feels things strongly, he knows this. It’s who he is. He knows that’s why he was such a difficult teenager, because he felt things ten times stronger than anyone he knew. When he was angry he was so angry and when he was happy nothing could bring him down. And when he loved he loved strongly and devotedly. It’s why he won’t make a good leader. He couldn’t lead people into battle these days and knowingly put other people’s lives at risk. He tried that already and he thinks he won’t be able to live through it again. He doesn’t want to try. He doesn’t want to know what would happen to him if he tried and failed again. It’s a road best left untravelled. 

“Poe, you good?” Rose snaps him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah...I am just very happy you’re alive.” And he really means that. Rose smiles brightly and laughs. 

“I’m happy I’m alive too.” 

Poe smiles back. Their attention are brought to Rey and Finn suddenly. Rey has changed from her lightsaber to a stick and Finn holds one similarly to Rey. Both of them take battle stances.

“Oh, who do you think will win?” Rose says excitedly.

“I mean I’d say Rey but I don’t want to let my buddy Finn down.” Poe looks at Finn, he is charging at Rey. 

“Do you want a bet?” Rose has a mischievous look in her eye. Poe smirks.

“About what?”

“I get to tinker with Black One.” Rose says like she knows Poe won’t be able to say yes to that.

“Aww man are you serious? You’re gonna make me bet on the losing man because I’m a good guy so you can win and mess around with my baby?” 

“Yep.” Rose is smirking.

“Fineeee.” He says and they shake hands. 

“If I win however you gotta give me your dessert for one month straight.” 

Rose looks outraged and splutters.

“1 week tops.”

“3.” Poe argues.

“2, and that’s my final offer.”

“Deal.” Poe says. 

The duel looks pretty even to Poe’s eyes. Finn has the advantage of strength and height, his stormtrooper training is probably helping as well. But Rey is quicker than Finn is. And her strikes are more thoughtful and planned than Finn’s are. One quick strike to his shoulder making Finn step back and Rey quickly swings around and kicks him in the side.

“Hey! No cheating.” Finn says.

“This isn’t cheating, this is winning.” Rey winks.

“You wish.” Finn says and strikes again. Poe and Rose starts cheering on and bantering with each other as well. It’s a lot of fun. In Finn’s defence the match is pretty even, but it’s not long after, Finn ends up on his ass with Rey pointing her stick at his head.

“HAA I won!” Rose belows and both Rey and Finn look over to where they are sitting.

“Yeah yeah you won.” Poe says grumpily and Rose starts laughing. Finn and Rey head over to where they are sat.

“Ah thank you Rey. I believed in you and I won! You’re amazing.” Rose says and Rey actually blushes. Poe raises an eyebrow. That’s interesting he thinks and hides his smile. 

“You were betting?” Finn asks.”What was the price?” 

“I get to tinker with Black One.” Rose says excitedly. 

“You’re letting Rose touch your ship, Poe? You don’t let anyone touch it.” Poe shrugs.

“I trust Rose with my baby.” He says and Rose smiles even wider. 

“Why don’t you fight Finn?” Rey asks and throws her stick at Poe who manages to catch it. 

“Losers fights losers and the winner fights the winning loser.”

“Hey!” Both Poe and Finn exclaims and it sends Rose and Rey laughing. Finn does get up though and gives Poe his hand.

“You afraid to lose old man?” Finn smirks. And Poe is never one to back down from a challenge. Even one he knows he’ll lose.

“You’re on.” He grabs Finn’s hand. They stand opposite each other and Poe already knows he’s a losing man. He isn’t very good with hand to hand combat because he’s never really needed it. When he joined the Resistance he took some classes because it couldn’t hurt to know a little more about defending yourself. But against Finn? Or Rey? He’s pretty much a dead man. Finn smiles and then suddenly he charges out of nowhere. He catches Poe off guard but he manages to block the attack. 

“Not bad, old man.” Finn jokes.

“Buddy, we really need to get you some better jokes.” Poe answers and strikes out with the stick, aiming for Finn’s shoulder. Finn dodges it easily enough. Finn takes a step back and then swings the stick around his head before he gets close to Poe. Poe once again manages to block it, but the Finn kicks his leg out and trips him. Poe ends on his ass with a grunt.

“Your footwork is bad.” Finn says and Poe swats his hand away. 

“I’m a pilot, I don’t need to use my feet.” Poe says grumpily from the ground but he does let Finn haul him to his feet, eventually.

“Maybe, but it wouldn’t hurt to know how to defend yourself.” Finn’s tone is gentle. Poe huffs.

They both look over when they hear Rose and Rey laughing, expecting them both to be laughing at them. But they’re not. They both seem busy being caught up in their own world. Rey is gesticulating dramatically with her hands and Rose is laughing clutching her stomach. Poe gives Finn a look and Finn laughs and shrugs. He decides to leave it, for now.

They both get ready again and Poe thinks he does pretty well defending himself. Or maybe Finn is going easy on him. That’s until Poe loses focus for a second and Finn’s stick whacks him hard on the head. He loses balance and goes thumbling to the ground. 

“Ugh.” He says.

“Shit, Poe!” Finn exclaims and bends down to where he’s fallen. Poe touches his forehead and his hand comes away bloody. Finn looks horrified.

“Ah shit, I’m sorry, Poe.” Finn says and helps Poe into a sitting position. 

“Ugh.” He groans. “I’ve had worse.” Which is the truth. A whack to the head is nothing really.

“I thought you would be able to deflect it.” Finn is looking incredibly guilty.

“Don’t worry, it’s not your fault.” 

“I whacked you on the head. I think that’s as much my fault as it can get.” 

“Nah, I should have seen it coming, I lost focus for a second.” Poe tries to take some of the blame at least. Finn however doesn’t look like he is agreeing.

“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” He says instead, and helps Poe to stand up. He finds himself a little unsteady on his feet, and he’s thankful for Finn’s arm around him. He’d probably lose balance if Finn wasn’t there steadying him. It grounds him a little. Rey and Rose seem to have stopped chatting and looks worriedly over at them. Poe just waves his hand and tries to convey that he’s fine. Poe touches his forehead, his palm coming away bloody. Finn hurriedly leads them to the empty med bay, and forces Poe to sit down. 

Poe knows he’s fine, it’s barely a scratch, but Finn is fussing and it would be funny to Poe if Finn wasn’t looking so incredibly guilty. 

“It’s just a scratch, Finn.” Poe tries. Finn doesn’t turn around, he barely acknowledges what Poe says, rummaging around the supplies. When he seems satisfied he comes back. He wets a cloth and steps in between Poe’s legs to gently touch his forehead. Poe sits perfectly still and let’s Finn clean out the scratch. When he seems satisfied, he presses a small plaster to the scratch and throws away the cloth. 

“There you go, all done.” Finn says for the first time in a while. Poe gulps, he can literally feel the heat rolling off Finn’s body. They’re so close, Finn’s knees are pressed up against Poe’s. He’s so close he can hear Finn’s heartbeat. It steadily beats on. 

“Thanks.” Poe tries to keep the strain out of his voice.

“It might bruise as well...but it was my fault after all, it was the least I could do.” Finn says and Poe’s not sure Finn is aware that he is cupping Poe’s cheek. But he is and Poe’s heart is now beating uncomfortable fast. Finn normally has a couple of inches on Poe but now when Poe is sitting down Finn is towering over him. He wonders briefly what it would feel like to have that weight pressed into him. He slowly stands up and expects Finn to take a step back. Only he doesn’t, and this is so much worse than before because now, well, they are suddenly breathing the same air. Their noses are almost touching and Finn is looking at his lips. All Poe needs to do is to tilt his head a tiny bit and he would feel those lips on his. It’s all he’s ever wanted in life. It’s like everything he has done has lead to this moment, right here, to be with Finn. It would be so easy, and he wants so bad.

And yet he can’t.

“Finn.” He breathes. Finn hums his eyes leaving his lips for a second to flicker to Poe’s eyes and then back down again.

“I need to tell you something.” Poe says and takes a step back. Finn looks lost at the sudden loss of contact. 

“I should have told you sooner, I know and there is no excuse as to why I haven’t.” Poe runs a hand through his hair. It’s becoming his nervous tick. Finn’s looking at him properly now, sensing that Poe is on edge.

“Okay…” 

“Maybe you should sit down.” Poe suggests and Finn takes Poe’s empty seat.

“What’s wrong?” Finn asks and he sounds so concerned and Poe can’t handle that right now. It’s not right.

He knows that Finn will be upset about this. He doesn’t deserve this and Poe wants nothing more than to not break Finn’s heart. He opens his mouth.

“Before I was captured on Jakku, I helped the villages fight the First Order. It wasn’t planned. I was supposed to leave with BB-8 but they got to my ship before I could. It was broken so I told BB-8 to escape so it could get away with the map while I distracted The First Order.”

“Okay…You’ve told me this already.” Finn says like he isn’t really following where Poe is going.

“I know, but I didn’t tell you everything.” He can barely look Finn in the eye.

“Right…”

“I fired some random shots at the troopers and I didn’t think much about it until you started talking about it on the Falcon and I recognised some of the things you said….”

Finn is frowning, he’s not connected the dots yet Poe realises.

“I saw you there, but I didn’t know it was you yet. I swear I didn’t mean to do it.”

“Do what? Poe, you’re not making any sense.”

“I killed Snap.” Finn is silent and Poe continues.

“And I know it was Snap because it matches the story you told me. I remember the blood on your helmet because I saw it happen. Because I had done it. I didn’t think much about it then because it was in the heat of the moment but then you told me... and I should have t-told you then I know.”

“Wait? So you let me talk about Snap like that and didn’t tell me when you had the chance? Multiple chances.” Finn doesn’t sound angry, he sounds confused and hurt and it’s making it all worse.

“Yeah, I didn’t know how, and every time I tried I just couldn’t do it.” Poe admits.

“I-I, you’re my friend. I don’t know a lot about having friends but they don’t lie to each other. I know that much.”

“I know and I am so sorry, I was going to tell you but it never felt like the right time.”

“Why did you do it?” Finn stands up, Poe thinks he might leave the room. He doesn’t.

And Poe doesn’t have a good answer to this. It was all because he was selfish. Because he wanted to keep Finn for a little longer. Before it all broke down and before Finn realised that Poe is damaged goods. He is not this amazing person that Finn makes him out to be. He has known it for a long time. Maybe he would have believed that before Crait, before that then maybe he was someone worthy of love. Of Finn’s love, but now he isn’t.

“I don’t know, I don’t have a good answer Finn.”

“Try.” Finn crosses his arms. Poe closes his eyes. He’s going to lose Finn, whatever he says won’t be good enough.

“I-I was scared. You look at me like I’m this good person. And I want to be that person, I really do. But I’m not. And I don’t know Finn. I-, I just wanted you to believe I was that, for a little longer.”

“Even if that is true. It’s... I don’t know how you couldn’t tell me about this.”

“Finn-” Poe tries.

“No Poe. I don’t know what to say, I just… I trusted you. I trusted you to always tell me the truth and you didn’t. You lied. The First Order lied to me my whole life, my whole life! You of all people know how much it means to me that people are honest. How much it meant to me that were always honest.”

Poe nods. He feels disgusted by himself because he does know, of course he does. 

“I know.”

“I just can’t believe you would do this to me.” Finn looks sad. Poe doesn’t know what to do, how to fix this.

“I wish I could take it back.”

“I know but you can’t.”

Poe knows. He tries not to cry.

“What happens now?”  
Finn shrugs.

“I don’t know, I just need some time, I don’t want to be here right now.”

“Yeah okay.”

Finn looks at him, he looks sad, but a determined look passes across his face and he walks past Poe. He stops, but then he keeps walking. The door slams behind him and Poe’s tears fall. 

Finn isn’t even angry, he’s disappointed and sad and it’s worse. So much worse.

“Fuck.” He slams his fist down hard on the table. The pain barely registrering. But the fight leaves him then. He sinks to the ground and presses his palms to his eyes, trying to prevent some of the tears from falling. Breathing is a struggle suddenly, trying to take a deep breathe seems pointless. Panic claws at his throat and he is close to his breaking point. His hands are shaking and it’s hard to breathe and everything is suddenly too much. He wonders if this is how he actually dies. With his heart giving out. 

No.

He doesn’t know where the strength comes from but he pulls himself off from the ground, his chest hurts from the struggle. But he forces himself up on unsteady feet, biting his lips to stop the tears. He clenches his fists and lets the pain ground him a little. Pulling himself out of his thoughts. One step in front of the other and he follows the same way Finn left through.

Eventually, with every step his breathing evens out and he calms down a little. His feet are a little unsteady still, but they become steadier with each step. This is it then, he lost Finn. Honesty was the thing that mattered the most to Finn. He has been lied to for so much of his life and he expected Poe to be the one person who wouldn’t do it to him. He did the one thing Finn asked him never to do. Finn will never forgive him for this, and Poe understands why. He hates himself the most he’s ever had in this moment. And he doesn’t have a good excuse for lying either, cowardice isn’t good enough. So he thinks that this is what he deserves, to be alone. 

He doesn’t know where he’s going, but he doesn’t want to see anyone. Not for a while at least. And he seems to be in luck, he doesn’t meet anyone while he’s on his way. After a lot of aimless wandering he finds a room he’s not seen before. As he walks inside the lights flicker to life, it takes them a while to fully power up. The abandonment of the place very obvious. The dust hangs heavy in the air and the room seems to stretch out forever in front of him. If he squints, he can see where it ends. It’s a hangar he realises, it’s filled with old ships that must have been used by the Rebellion back in the day. 

He walks up to the closest one, an old cargo ship, and feels his way around in, inspecting the condition. He finds that it’s not in too bad shape after being left for so long. He goes looking for some tools, his brain operating on autopilot more than anything. He comes back with a box filled with things that he’s used almost all of his life, it’s like an extended arm for him. Holding a spanner he found, he slips underneath the ship and starts looking closer at the machinery. 

Poe’s always found working on ships very therapeutic. He enjoys working with his hands and he’s always found that it helps him clear his mind. He loves flying for sure, but he also loves the feel of metal and oil under his fingers, it’s the enjoyment of fixing something that’s been broken, or improving the things that make them tick. He wishes it was this easy to apply this to himself, to fix what’s broken with him. He does find that after a while, his mind calms significantly from the routine though. He doesn’t feel completely alright, he thinks that might never be the case, but he feels at least a little better. This keeps his brain busy from thinking about Finn.

He doesn’t go back to bed that night, not believing for a second that Finn would be there. And he doesn’t think he’ll be able to sleep without Finn either. So he stays up all night fixing up the ships.

XXXX

He doesn’t see Finn for the next few days and he doesn’t sleep a wink either. He gets used to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo firstly:
> 
> -D23 was a while back now but Zorri Bliss who? Also like they said, Poe has a 'friend' from his past who isn't squeaky clean. I just want to take a moment to appreciate that in this fic he has exactly that except it's a man like it should be.... it's clearly a strategical move from Disney to erase any ideas about Poe Dameron being LGBTQ+. But whatevs, those rules don't apply here.
> 
> -Secondly, I struggled a lot with their fight in this and I'm not completely happy with it. But a thing to note, to me Finn doesn't like it when people lie to him, it robs him of a chance to think for himself and make up his own mind about things. It's been taken from him all his life by The First Order...He's more sad than angry, he feels betrayed by Poe for doing it. And Poe knows. 
> 
> -Also sorry for the angst, it had to happened. 
> 
> Thank you to Ellie, my guru and friend, without her this fic would have never happened!
> 
> Next time around:
> 
> -Rose surprises Poe, lots of flashbacks, Leia offers sass and wisdom, a mission goes down and Poe is a mess. Maybe more than ever...


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I am back again, update schedule ? I know nothing of such thing...
> 
> This is the longest chapter to date I think, took me a while to get it here and then I'm a busy woman and my beta is a busy woman so ya know...but it's here now and it's a ride!

8 years ago

Poe walks into the bar he’s stumbled across. He’s in a desperate need for a change of scenery. He feels... just fed up with people and extremely tired. Well, maybe he shouldn’t be this petty, they are alright he supposes, some better than others. It’s just that he can’t fully unwind there surrounded by competitive people who always talk about the same things and do the same things. It’s just so incredibly boring and Poe might actually go insane if he stays another minute. So he borrowed a ship and went to the nearest bar that was still the furthest away from the Academy and its people. He needs a break, honestly. The bar is stuffy and packed with people but there is a discreteness to it that he likes. He can be anyone here, no one knows him and that’s exactly what he wants. He walks up to the bar to get something to drink. The bartender has a nice smile Poe notes as he pours him a shot of something, Poe doesn’t even care what it is. It would be easy he thinks. But it doesn’t feel completely right. He nods and is just about to down his shot when he catches the eyes of a stranger. This man on the other hand is the definition of tall dark and handsome. He has black hair and it’s nicely styled. He’s all in black and the unshaved beard gives him an edge that immediately Poe is drawn to. But it’s the eyes that does it. They twinkle in the dark light and it makes them look alive and a little wild. Poe’s sold already. He downs the rest of the shot but keeps his eyes locked with the man all the while. He puts the glass down and licks his lips, a move he knows will get his attention. The man smirks.

“Does t-that move work for you much?” Poe notices the slight stammer in his voice. He smirks.

“Depends on the person.” He bites his lip. He is on his game tonight. The man’s eyes travels downwards to his lips and flits back up, he repeats the motion a few times before he smirks. It makes him look even more wild and Poe’s not opposed to have his feathers ruffled this evening. 

“I see, DJ.” And extends his hand. Poe shakes it. He considers not giving him his name, to be anonymous is tempting him but in the end he settles for; 

“Dameron.” DJ’s grip lingers a little longer and it leaves Poe’s hand tingling. 

“Dameron.” DJ tries the name on his lips and Poe almost shudders at the sound of it.

DJ waves to get the attention of the bartender.

“Something for my f-friend.” The word friend feels very loaded. The bartender’s eyes slide between them. There is something tight in his expression as he nods, maybe a little jealousy. He bites his lip to hide his smile. The bartender disappears.

“So what are you doing in a dump like this?” DJ asks. 

“Just wanted a change of scenery.” Poe sips at the drink the bartender made him. It’s not very good, Poe wonders if that was on purpose. DJ’s eyebrows quirk.

“Interesting p-place for a change of scenery.” 

“I’m not too picky.” He turns towards DJ opening his legs slightly in an inviting gesture. DJ’s eyes widen slightly and Poe smirks at the clear win. 

He knows he is an attractive man. He doesn’t usually care about it, or use it in any way. But he’s a little desperate and there is a fairly good looking man sitting in front of him. The air is full of tension, the noise from the rest of the bar makes for a lulling background noise and Poe hasn’t gotten laid in a long time, so in this moment he’s not opposed to use his looks to get what he wants.

“I can t-tell.” DJ licks his lips hungrily. Poe takes another sip of his drink, the liquid finally doing its job. He feels looser almost immediately. 

“So what do you do then DJ?”

“Do you really care?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Not really, but I thought I’d be polite and make conversation before I ask you to invite me back to your room.” He quips. DJ laughs. 

“Oh I s-see.” He leans forward and places both of his hands on Poe’s thighs. 

“You’re very eager that’s for sure.” He says and leans towards Poe’s face. Poe has a moment to think this went way easier than he thought it would, and he is out of practice. Poe tilts his head expecting DJ to lean in, but at the last second goes for his ear instead. Poe is left feeling a little breathless. 

“What makes you think I want to t-take you home?” He whispers in Poe’s ear. He can’t fully hide the shiver that runs through his spine.

But Poe’s not known for backing down from a challenge. He prefers them anyway.

“I can’t say for sure.” He begins. “But that thing in your pants seem interested enough.” His hand finds DJ’s dick easily enough and he smirks and the interested twitch it gives. 

“Cocky, I’ll give you that.” DJ whispers and his tongue finds a spot just underneath Poe’s ear that makes him gasp.

“Amongst other things.” Poe leans further into DJ’s touch. 

“You g-got a smart mouth on you as well.” DJ grows harder under Poe’s touch. 

“You don’t know the half of it when it comes to this mouth. It has many talents.” Poe leans back a little and raises an eyebrow in challenge. DJ closes his eyes.

“I don’t normally do this, but fine.” DJ downs the rest of his drink and slams it down on the table. He takes Poe’s hand and they walk into the dark night.

Success.

XXXX

Poe is on his third ship of the night. Or maybe it’s morning, the concept of it is a little lost on him at the moment. The lack of access to windows has him not actually knowing what time it is. He has retrieved back into hiding again, only venturing out when he knows no one will be around. His own set mission of avoiding living creatures have so far been successful but his luck seems to finally have run out. There is someone knocking rather loudly on the X-wing he is underneath. When he finally rolls out from underneath it he is actually surprised to come face to face with Rose. The surprise must show on his face because she smiles.

“Finn can be very stupid sometimes.” She starts off and Poe really isn’t expecting that either, his eyebrow shooting upwards in surprise. 

“He told you?”

Rose nods. “He did yes, me and Rey.” 

Poe isn’t surprised he told Rey. She would naturally be the first one to know. And Finn has all the right to be upset with him, so much indeed he wouldn’t be surprised if Rey was coming to murder him with her lightsaber. That thought actually scares him a little, because against Rey he stands no chance.

“Don’t worry, Rey is not coming for you. I told her not to.”

“Oh?” And Poe feels like he’s missing something here.

“Don’t act so surprised.”

“I’m sorry but I was assuming you would take Finn’s side, I’m in the wrong after all and yet here you are telling me you just stopped Rey from murdering me with her lightsaber.”

“Don’t be daft, she wouldn’t murder you. And especially not with her lightsaber. She would maybe knock you on your ass though.” Rose laughs and but Poe doesn’t think it’s funny.

“Oh come on it was a joke.” Poe just grimaces.

“So what you took my side over Finn’s?” He asks.

“I did.”

“But why?”

“Because I know a thing or two about the stubbornness of Finn and his at times inability to actually listen. He jumps to conclusions very quickly at times, it can be frustrating for the rest of us that’s for sure. ” 

“But why?” Poe is still so extremely confused. His brain can’t seem to keep up with this.

“Because you didn’t do anything wrong. Yes, lying is wrong and you don’t need me to tell you that what you did was questionable, but you did it because you were scared Finn was going to push you away. And maybe if you told him sooner he wouldn’t have left. You’ll never know but his reaction wasn’t completely fair either. I can’t imagine it was easy for you to tell him or to keep it a secret for that matter. And I think you need someone on your side.” She’s breathless by the end of it, like the words came running out of her mouth and then she just couldn’t stop. 

Poe still doesn’t understand. Rose should hate him.

“I don’t understand, why do you even like me? You should hate me? I’m a bad person Rose, I have done so many bad things. And Finn is much better than me and you should be with him and not here with me in the dark.” He starts rambling.

“Hey, slow down will you.” Rose takes a step forward and Poe can’t help but flinch causing him to take a painful step right into the X-wing. Rose stops moving and puts her hands up in a peaceful gesture. Poe feels hot shame pool in his stomach.

“Sorry, I don’t like people touching me these days.” The only touch he seems to be able to tolerate is Finn’s. Anyone else’s and his body’s reaction is to run. It doesn’t always happen, but if he’s caught off guard his body will painfully remind him of unwanted touches, pain and darkness. And the coldness, the sheer force of it taking over his body like he’ll never be warm again. The capture has left traces in him...He knows it’s the remains of being left tortured for hours before Kylo Ren finally went through his head, like he was doing Poe some sort of favour. The physical pain he can handle, that’s always been the case. Living this long in a war he definitely had worked up resilience towards it, but that was easy compared to the emotional pain. Healing from that is not something he knows how to move on from. It’s a part of him now, and while he’d like for it all to go away he doesn’t know how to be someone without the guilt and the nightmares. But what’s been left after Kylo Ren is the struggle with physical contact, intimacy and being near anyone that isn’t Finn, he can’t help it, but he recoils at the thought of having anyone near him. Kylo Ren left something in him that he desperately wants to forget. Finn is safety, that’s what he knows in all of this. He can only bear to stomach Finn’s touch in this all because it’s always gentle, caring and sometimes curious. It’s the direct opposite of what the touches of The First Order were. And he did a marvelous job of fucking the one thing that brought him some sort of safety and calmness in this all. Thinking of it like this maybe he actually needs therapy. 

“Don’t worry, I should have known.” Rose says and she slides down on the floor leaning against a ship. She’s a little unsteady, Poe notes, but other than that her injury seems to be healing quickly. She motions for him to join her but is respectful enough to leave it up to him. He sits down beside her... after a while. He makes sure to leave some space between them though.

“Why do you even like me?” He finds himself asking. Rose looks him in the eye.

“Why do you doubt it so much that people do?” 

He shrugs.

“I don’t like myself much these days, I find it harder that others seem to find something worth liking.” He finds himself confessing and it has Rose looking thoughtful for a moment, like she’s contemplating what to say.

“Paige used to always talk about you, you know. How you would always put your squad’s needs before your own and after each mission, especially if they had ended badly, you would stay and talk to each and every one of them, just to make sure they were alright. When one talked with you they always had your full attention and it made people feel seen. It made me feel seen. I’m a mechanic, Poe, and we are always overlooked because we work when something needs fixing, when people have finished their missions and retired for the night. That’s when I do most of my job. But then when I came to you with Finn, you listened to me and you believed in me. You saw me in a way people don’t. They see a mechanic and they see a woman. You saw a resistance fighter and you didn’t even question my position, you just took my word for it. It meant something to me. And it means something to lots of people. You have a reputation, but it proceeds you. It says that you are stubborn and hot headed and just do what you want. And it is true but not fully. Because you care, you care Poe and you might see that as a weakness but it’s not. You care about people you don’t even know, in a way that is rare. So you ask why I am here and not at Finn’s side? I am here because I believe in you but I am also here because you seem lonely right now, and people who care a lot, they don’t do very well when they are lonely.”

Poe is actually speechless. He doesn’t even know where to begin. 

“You don’t have to say anything.” Rose grins. Poe nods.

“You shouldn’t want to be my friend.” He does find his voice eventually.

“Why not?” 

“Because…. I just…. because I was jealous of you and what you had with Finn. I avoided you for so long before I finally spoke to you. And because out of the two of us you are the better and more likeable person and honestly? Finn doesn’t deserve me, he deserves someone like you.” He confesses, it’s as close as he will ever get to talking about his feelings for Finn, even if it’s in this vague non confessional way. 

“I think Finn gets to decide for himself who he deserves. But if it makes you feel any better Finn and I have resolved the kissing thing. I don’t want him and he doesn’t want me in that way either. We’re just friends. So he’s all yours.” Rose winks. Poe is once again surprised.

“What do you mean you don’t want him?”

“I thought I was going to die, and maybe Finn as well so I acted a bit rash. Realised when I woke up that he isn’t the one I want.”

Poe thinks of Rey suddenly and how Rose’s face had lit up from talking to her. He guesses his face looks similarly to hers when he spends time with Finn.

“Well I know a thing or two about liking someone who doesn’t like you back.” Poe smiles sadly.

“Yeah Rey seems pretty clueless.” Rose says quietly. And Poe understands her, maybe he and Rose are more similar than what he previously thought.

“She’ll come around, you’re a catch, she’ll be lucky to have you.” Poe echoes DJ’s words and bumps his shoulders with Rose’s. She laughs at that and he can’t help but smile a small but genuine smile.

“Thanks Poe. Finn will be lucky to have you as well.” Poe snorts. If he ever got to be the one to be with Finn he’d be the lucky one.

“Oh, by the way, I have something for you.” Rose searches through her pockets and takes out a chocolate bar.

“From our bet.” She hands it to him.

“I lost.” He takes the chocolate and raises an eyebrow.

“I know, but I thought you might want it anyway.”

“Thanks Rose.” 

She smiles again, it makes her eyes crinkle and Poe’s extremely grateful for her in this moment.

They both sit in comfortable silence after that.

“So how many of these ships have you actually managed to fix?” 

“A few. A lot of them are in pretty good shape for being on standby for so long.” Poe says and looks around.

“That’s good, well if you want help I wouldn’t mind getting my hands dirty for a while.”

“Sure, I could use the help.” He stands up and gently helps Rose up as well. He gives her a screwdriver and smiles. She smiles back and both of them continue to work in comfortable silence.

XXXX

It’s hours later and Rose has gone to bed. Poe however doesn’t want to sleep, so he’s left to hunt for some food. It’s been a while since he has eaten something akin to a proper meal. The chocolate doesn’t count. He hopes that the cafeteria will be empty this late. He’s still not in the mood to talk or see anyone else.

He’s in luck, it seems. Once inside he pours himself a glass of water and gulps it down. 

“It’s not like you to sneak around, Poe.” Someone says behind him and it makes him drop the glass in fright. 

“Fuck!” He exclaims and spins around. Leia is leaning against the wall, smirking of course. Poe’s eyes widen.

“Shit, sorry!” He says and bends down to pick up the fallen glass. He gives himself a moment to recover and for his reddening cheeks to return to normal. When he looks up again Leia motions for him to walk with him. He sighs. He really would like some food instead, but what other choice does he have but to follow her. When he has almost caught up with her she turns around and throws a bar at him. He almost doesn’t have the time to catch it. Once he has a hold of it he eyes it, it has the taste of strawberry. Poe grimaces, he hates strawberries. 

“Stop being a spoiled brat.” Leia chides in front of him but Poe can hear the beginnings of a smile in her voice.

“You probably gave me this on purpose.” He sits down beside Leia and she turns towards him.

“That’s what happens to Commanders who avoid their duties and official meetings.”

Poe feels moderately guilty about it. He doesn’t want to see anyone and he can’t stand being in the same room as Finn, and Rey’s glares he expects will be murderous. So he doesn’t actually know what the Resistance has been up to these last 2 or 3 days and it’s bad for someone with his status. If he keeps it up then maybe Leia will demote him.

“I see what you’re doing Poe, it’s not going to make me demote you.”

“That’s not what I was thinking.” He tries to deny. Leia just raises an eyebrow.

“Fine, that was what I was hoping for. That or you sending me on a mission so I can do something.”

“You know I won’t do that, you’re needed here.”

“Well I’m hoping for a demotion then.” He says childishly but he takes a bite of the bar, the hunger taking over. As soon as the taste of strawberry hits him he regret it. He tries to chew it without thinking of the disgusting taste as the sweet fruit fills his mouth. It almost works. Almost. Only because he’s very hungry. Leia’s smile grows wider.

“Your mother hated strawberries as well.” She says. Poe nods.

“I know, it used to make my dad very happy. More strawberries for him and no one stealing his snacks.” Poe fondly remembers the memories of his dad happily chewing strawberries and throwing some at him and his mother in the kitchen while they tried to dodge them.

“You know, people say you remind them the most of your mother. She was a good woman, an excellent pilot, and had a wicked sense of humour. But I think you have a lot of your father as well. People just overlook it.”

“Like what?” He finds himself asking. Leia’s smile grows wider but it’s a little sad around the edges.

“You care, Poe.” She gently reaches out, giving him time to turn away. He doesn’t so she takes it as consent. Her hand finds his heart. “You care about people. But you also feel things, very strongly. Maybe more than other people ever will. Your dad was similar. He had such a strong sense of justice and every time he couldn’t save someone he used to retreat into himself for days. The only one who ever knew how to break through to him was your mother. She was a lot more easy going than he was. She was serious but she also knew how to not let everything get to her. She knew how to draw your father out. She used to say that it was the only way to live through the darkness in this world. You used to be a lot like your mother, but every day you grow more into your father.”

Poe’s surprised he’s never heard this about his father before. But it makes sense to him as well, to have something of his father in his heart too. He’s always been aware of the similarities between himself and his mother. They’ve always been obvious, even to him. Growing up with only his dad, their contrasting personalities were made clear from day one. If they didn’t get along they clashed. But his dad had a calmness about him Poe could only dream of having. His dad had a special ability to get on his nerves but he’s also one of the few people in the galaxy to ever possess the ability to actually calm Poe down. Not many had that effect on him. But he’s always been very proud of the fact that he carried so much of his mother with him in his life. It made him feel closer to her, but he finds now that he’s happy that he has qualities similar to his dad too, it makes him feel proud too. It somehow makes it easier in this moment to go on, to know that he carries them with him, always.

“He doesn’t like you much these days though.” He says. Leia shrugs.

“I took his only child from him to fight in a war he’s lived through himself. He knew the consequences of allowing you to go, even though he knew he could never have stopped you. Naturally he blames it on me because he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if you died.”

Poe nods, he knows this. And he understands now why his father didn’t want him to go in the first place. Poe knows it was the right choice, his dad probably knows that as well. But he was young and naive when he joined and now he is older and tired and tainted by so much blood that even he wouldn’t want anyone to go through what he had to. And so many lives were lost in this all that he couldn’t save. War is not what people make it out to be. It’s never like the stories. Poe wishes he knew what he’d gotten himself into when he joined so long ago. 

Leia sighs.

“Poe, you have to forgive yourself. It wasn’t your fault what happened, and what good is this? You’re wasting away.” She looks sad now and Poe is suddenly struck by how old she looks in this moment. He never used to think of Leia as old, but looking at her now he can see it in her eyes. He reaches out and Leia takes his hand. She strokes his palm. 

“No one blames you.”

“Well maybe they should.”

“Why?”

“Because so many people died and it’s my fault.”

“You seem obsessed with the idea that everything you do makes you guilty somehow. But everyone who joins the Resistance knows the danger of it. No one gets on a ship unwillingly. Everyone who is here is here by free will. No one has forced them to be here. And they are all here because they believe in the Resistance, they believe in defeating the First Order. It is the only way the galaxy will be at peace. And each and every last one of them know the risk of being here. They know they might die tomorrow. And yet they get up every morning and continue fighting. Just like you do. Are you not here because you want to be here?”

“Of course.” Poe says.

“And so is the rest of them. And I’ve made bad decisions. People have gotten killed on my watch. Many more than on yours. So if we are playing the blame game here, who do you think is winning?”

Poe looks down. 

“If I asked you if you would stop trusting me for one bad mistake I made, would you?”

“No.”

“Precisely, and that’s why these people here won’t stop trusting you either for the mistakes you’ve made. We’re all about second chances in the Resistance and the people here they have all given it to you. Like they have given it to me countless of times. It’s time you give it to yourself too.”

“I’m not you though, Leia.” He looks back up and Leia has that knowing look in her eye.

“No, not yet. But soon maybe. Or maybe you shouldn’t be me at all. You should probably just be yourself, Poe. And I am getting old, I can’t keep doing this forever. I hope this will be over before my time is due, but if it’s not these people will need someone to lead them. And maybe it’s time for someone who doesn’t have the force to do it. You’re human, Poe and you have no powers out of the ordinary, it’s inspiring, I must admit. And when it’s time, then maybe that will help make you a good leader one day.”

“I don’t want to be a leader.”

“The best ones never do.” 

He doesn’t have an answer to that. He doesn’t even know if that’s true. 

“Baby steps Poe, no one ever became a leader in just one day.”

He thinks that’s not true either. Lots of people are forced to become leaders, none of them actually wanting it, until they have to step up. And he really doesn’t want to step up. He’s not ready, he probably never will be. The Resistance are made up of so many good people and many who are better suited for the job than Poe. 

“Step one is going easier on yourself.” 

“Maybe I’ll try.” 

“Trying is the only thing we can all do.”

She gets up to leave.

“And please do get some sleep Poe. I’m not your mother but someone ought to tell you that.” And with that she leaves. Poe laughs out loud at the directness of it all. No, Leia is not his mother but she’s as close to one he’s had in a long time. He gets up and heads back to the cafeteria, still in need for something better to eat than that bar.

 

XXXX

8 years ago

Poe wakes up slowly. He is surprisingly comfortable. He opens his eyes and realises he is not in his room at the academy, it would explain why he’s slept so well, this bed really is much more comfortable than his own. Right now he feels like he could stay here forever.

Last night comes back to him and he smiles. For a random hook up in a bar, it had been surprisingly good. He looks around the room, he’d been too occupied last night to really take it all in. It’s actually very nice. Spacious and clean. The doors to the balcony overlooking the city are slightly open, letting in the morning breeze. The man of the hour, well hours is more appropriate, DJ is nowhere to be found. Poe wonders if he can sneak out without getting caught. It’s not his usual style but he’s not in the mood for the morning after talk. Or small talk or whatever the right term would be in this situation, he doesn’t feel up to it at this time of the day. He finds that his clothes are spread haphazardly across the room. There’s a sock to be found under a chair and trousers on a lamp which is confusing in itself. He really can’t remember how they ended up there. He is almost fully dressed when DJ steps out of the bathroom, hair wet and towel wrapped around his waist. Not much is left to the imagination. Not that Poe needs to imagine a lot in this moment, last night is pretty clear to him still.

“Going somewhere?” He is leaning against the wall. Poe pulls a face. Damn, so close.

He turns around and can’t help his eyes traveling down. DJ smirks.

“I didn’t p-peg you for a guy that does the walk of shame?” Poe cringes.

“Depends on the circumstances.”

“From what I remember the circumstances of last night was very much in your favour, would you not agree?” 

Poe can’t fully hide the blush and DJ smirks.

“Ahh well I’m not going to k-keep you, you get back to whatever you need to get back to.” He has a knowing look in his eyes as he steps past Poe. Poe gathers up his last item of clothing and pulls it on. He’s almost at the door when he can hear DJ’s towel falling to the floor. His hand is on the doorknob. He should leave. He should get back to the academy. He knows this. Fuck, he thinks. He lets go of the door and walks back towards DJ, getting rid of his shirt in the process. DJ laughs triumphantly. 

The morning sex is even better than the night before.

YYYY

“I really need to get back.” Poe tries, but he isn’t exactly making a move to leave. DJ hums, his fingers moving in slow circles on his stomach. DJ’s on his side, his head resting on his hand.

“Nothing is k-keping you here flyboy.”

Poe rolls his eyes.

“No I guess not.” He’s still not moving. DJ smirks.

“You want some food then?”

“You offer all your one night stands food?” Poe asks.

“Only the special ones.”

“Oh, you flatterer, does that move work for you often?” He smirks. 

“I’m an excellent judge of character, I know the special ones from the boring ones.”

“Aww, you think I’m special man.” He can’t quite help the smile that makes his way onto his lips. DJ rolls his eyes.

“Dameron, shut up or my offer will no longer b-be on the table.”

“It’s Poe.”

DJ stops and gives him a long look. Poe doesn’t really know what to make of it. 

“Well, nice to meet you Poe Dameron.” He says eventually. He gets up and walks into the kitchen. Poe sighs, but he does follow, after a while. He throws on a T-shirt that’s been left on the floor. He isn’t sure if it’s his or DJ’s, but it doesn’t really matter. Also he’s getting food. It’s a win. He steals a kiss of DJ when he passes him and makes his way into the bathroom. 

Maybe DJ is different in a good way.

XXXX

Poe doesn’t know what his dream was about, but he’s suddenly very awake. He knows it must have been about something that unsettled him deeply, but he can’t remember. For once he is actually grateful for the obliviousness. His hands are shaking as he leans his head against his knees. Since he saw Finn maybe five days ago this is the first bit of sleep he’s gotten since, but the thought of sleeping on his own is not tempting. Even when he’s exhausted. He’s however been less of a hermite as Rose has taken to calling him these last two days. It’s progress. But the thought of being around too many people at once is enough to make him feel too uncomfortable to try. He he has been seeing a little more of them each day though. He even had a chat with Konix the other day and he thinks that should count as some sort of a personal win or something. He’s seen a little of Leia as well and every chance he has gotten he’s bugged her about letting him go on a mission. The answer is always no and Poe leaves annoyed every time. He honestly can’t see Leia’s logic in all of this, even she should realise he’d be better of doing something of use rather than sit around like a fool who can’t sleep. He’s not yet questioned her authority on it when anyone else is around, always politely referring to her as General. But when it’s just the two of them she is Leia and then there is no stopping his protests and pleas about sending him away. Leia is as stubborn as a mule in this so obviously this is a losing battle for him.

Someone is coughing and Poe turns his head. He freezes when he sees that it’s Rey. He avoids Finn, well he thinks Finn is avoiding him as well, and he hasn’t actually seen Rey in a while. He’s heard people say she’s been on scouting missions so he doesn’t understand what she’s doing here in this moment. It makes him feel a little apprehensive. He doesn’t want people taking sides between him and Finn. The answer is pretty obvious to him, that is that Finn’s side is the one to take. But Rose still stays, and he likes Rose and he enjoys her company so he doesn’t want her to leave either. It’s complicated. 

Rey has a strange look in her eye. Poe is waiting for her to say something, because he sure as hell doesn’t know what to do. When she eventually does he’s grateful for it.

“It’s strange.” She begins. “If I didn’t know any better I’d say that the force likes you. It seems very drawn to you.”

And that is not what Poe was expecting, at all. He was more expecting words about how he should stay away from Finn or something like that.

“I- what?” 

“It doesn’t matter. The General wants to see you.” and she motions for him to follow her. Poe scrambles to his feet. He has a moment where he thinks that he’s probably looking very unpresentable at the moment. And if Rey is referring to Leia as General then the meeting is an official one. Poe has been avoiding those as well but Leia has never sent Rey to collect him either. And Leia probably knows that if she sends Rey then Poe wouldn’t be able to skip. She is a sneaky woman, Poe thinks as he tries fixing his hair slightly. He really hopes he doesn’t smell too bad. When was the last time he showered? They walk in silence, Poe a few steps behind Rey. He feels a little on edge. And he knows it’s stupid but he can’t help it either. Rey suddenly stops in front of him and he almost walks into her. She turns around.

“You should solve whatever it is that’s going on between Finn and you. It has nothing to do with the rest of us. He keeps asking me to ask Rose to ask you how you’re doing, if you’re eating, if you’re sleeping. I did it once, just to be nice to Finn but she didn’t say anything about it so I stopped. There’s no point for me to get involved, and it’s starting to annoy me a little.”

Poe is once again taken aback. He thinks that his brain must be operating on 25% or something because people constantly keep sidetracking him. 

“Erm…”

“And Rose likes you and I trust her. And this is becoming stupid. So just to be clear I’m not going to murder you with my lightsaber.” Her mouth quirks upward at that. “We shouldn’t fight amongst ourselves, it’s not good. So whatever it is that’s going on between you two, I’m not in the middle anymore. I won’t even take sides. It seems pointless to me. Friends?” She extends her hand. Poe has a hard time keeping up with all the words spilling out of her mouth. He notes that her cheeks are a little red. Right. Poe shakes her hand not seeing the point in keeping this going. When he does Rey smiles her sunshine smile and Poe’s lip quirk upwards. He can’t help it.

“Friends.” He says.

“Good.” She starts walking again and Poe follows, but beside her this time. 

They are the last to arrive to the meeting. Everyone is there, even DJ which surprises Poe. He’s actually forgotten he was still here. He winks and Poe shakes his head but in a fond gesture. DJ smiles.

Poe’s attention is suddenly drawn elsewhere. Because in the middle of the room two people are standing in orange flight suits. His heartbeat speeds up.

“Snap? Jess?!” He says unbelieving.

“Poe!” They both shout. And within seconds Poe is running towards them both embracing them as hard as he can. He feels relief flood through him and he tries to keep his tears at bay. He opens his eyes and they find Finn’s from across the room. Poe stops breathing. The noise from the rest of the room disappears for a second. He can’t look away. Finn’s looking steadily back and Poe doesn’t fully understand what it means. He finally averts his eyes and takes a step back.

“I thought you were dead.” He says and claps them both on their shoulders. He can’t seem to take his hands off them though, finding it hard to believe they are actually there. Like if he takes his hands off them they will disappear. 

“We almost were.” Snap begins. “After the Dreadnought we both crash landed.”

“Took us forever to get to a communications system.” Jessica continues. “It’s not safe for any Resistance fighters out there so we had to be extra careful. That and thinking you might have all died. That used to be the general assumption in the galaxy, that the Resistance was all gone.”

“Yeah, we had to be even more careful when we picked up Leia’s distress signal, that’s why it’s taken so long to find you.”

Poe nods.

“I’m very glad you’re both back.” They all smile at each other, relief evident in their eyes. 

He thought he lost his whole squad after the Dreadnought. It’s been on his conscience ever since. And to have Snap and Jess back is such a relief. They’ve stuck together ever since their Academy days, they grew up together. They’ve flown together for so long that losing them had felt like losing a limb. He feels like a weight is lifted off his shoulders. 

Leia is smiling as well as she nods to Snap and Jessica. 

“We’re extremely happy to have you back.” She starts. “The Resistance is not what it used to be. During these weeks I’ve sent out Rey to inspire some hope and spread information. It seems to have been working, slowly, but it’s working. A few others have gone out as well. We need to know what we’re working with now. The game plan has changed, and it’s time we change too. It’s slow work, I know. But we need to study our opponent, change things up. Otherwise we risk becoming predictable. So the next step is recruiting.”

Poe looks around the room. When he thinks about it there might be a few people missing. He assumes they are out on missions, then. His eyes finds Rose and he nods, she nods back. BB-8 is at the far back, its attention elsewhere than on Leia. He realises that he’s been so caught up in avoiding people that he has been avoiding BB-8 as well. Not that he thinks the droid hasn’t had anything to do during these days anyway. He notes that DJ and Finn are standing surprisingly close to each other. Not close in a way to draw attention but in a way they wouldn’t have done when they first got here. Finn can’t stand DJ but it seems things have changed while he’s been away living his hermit life.

“If this proves anything it is that we’re not alone, there are good people out there who will fight if we lead them.” Leia continues. 

“So I’ve made the decision to send Commander Dameron out, it’s just a recon mission, just scouting and reporting, In and out.” His attention is suddenly brought back to the room. Did he hear that right? Leia is sending him away on a mission. Finally.

“And with him Finn will go.”

And Poe feels dread fill him. 

“We’ll debrief after the meeting and you will depart later today.”

Poe zones out after that. All he’s wanted recently is to be sent on a mission, alone or with anyone. Anyone but Finn. Finn who can’t stand to be in the same room as him. Just his luck he thinks. And he knows Leia has done this on purpose. Damn the woman. He hates her a little bit in this moment.

By the time everyone’s left the room it’s just him Leia, Rose, Rey, Finn and Konnix. Jess and Snap are hanging back, waiting for him. 

“General-” Poe tries to protest but Leia is having none of it.

“No Commander. There will be no complaints from you.” He snaps his mouth shut. But he’s fuming silently. He glares at Leia, making sure she knows that he’s not happy with her. Konnix puts on the hologram in front of him. It shows a planet Called Seregar, Poe’s never heard of it. 

“You will land here.” Konnix begins. “It’s on the south side of the planet. The planet shouldn’t have that many inhabitants, but it’s not abandoned either. Your mission is to scout as much of the planet out and see if you can gather any information about where the inhabitants of the planet stand when it comes to the First Order and the Resistance.”

Poe nods. It’s not very usual for him to do these kinds of missions. But he’s not complaining. Well he is but no one has to know. Finns is looking at the map thoughtfully.

“How long do we have?” He asks.

“About a day max, 8 hours minimum.” Leia replies and Finn nods, he seems satisfied with the answer. 

“You’ll leave in two hours.” Leia says. And with that, they are allowed to leave. Poe stays behind with Jess and Snap as the rest of them walk out.

“So are you going to tell me what’s happened here or what?” Jess says and crosses her arms.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Pava.” Poe defends.

“Don’t make me beat it out of you Dameron.” She counters. Poe grimaces and remember the last time she did that.

“Nothing, Finn and I had a falling out and now we’re apparently going on a scouting mission together.” 

“You and Finn? Like Finn Finn, had a fight?” Snap asks like he can’t really comprehend it.

“Yes.”

“Why?” Jess asks.

“What do you mean why?”

“I mean exactly what I said, why? Why would you and Finn fight? He’s the man of your dreams.”

“Shut up.”

“It’s not a lie though.” Jess teases.

“Please drop it.” Poe doesn’t want to talk about whatever the Finn situation is. Jess looks like she might continue but she holds up her hands in defeat.

“Whatever you say, Commander.”

Poe nods.

“Where can someone get some food around here?” Poe is grateful for Snap’s change of topic.

“Follow me.” He stumbles as Jess whoops and jumps on his back.

“Dumbass.” He says fondly and walks toward the cafeteria with Snap following closely behind. They walk into the cafeteria and Poe’s not been in here when people’s been around for a while now. It’s scary how quickly it’s all passed and how badly he has actually been at taking care of himself recently. He can’t remember the last time he had a meal when it was light outside or slept normally for that matter.

Jess and Snap come back with food to sit down in front of him. They start munching their food and Poe’s happy for them, but the thought of eating something makes him feel nauseous. He bites back his queasiness as the smell hits him.

“So boss, you look like shit.” Jess remarks. Poe rolls his eyes.

“Thanks.” She smirks. 

“How are things?” Snap wonders. Poe shrugs.

“They’ve been rough.” He admits. Jess sobers up beside him.

“Yeah, this is not the cheeriest bunch.” She looks around the silent room.

“No, it’s not been easy.”

“What happened?” Snap asks and Poe tells them everything from the beginning. Including the guilty part he had in the massive loss the Resistance has endured because he sees no point in hiding from what he’s done.

XXXX

7 years ago.

“You’re late.” Muran says, he has his arms crossed which means he’s angry. He’s tapping his foot impatiently as well, maybe even for effect. Poe’s not exactly in the mood, he’s tired and a little hangover, he needs a shower and a change of clothes. And also maybe some food when he thinks about it. 

“Yes, I know. I got held up.” He says, annoyed. 

Muran gives his very visible hickey a pointed look. Poe rolls his eyes.

“I see. Well maybe you should reassess your priorities. ”

“Well maybe you should mind your own business, man.”

“Oh believe me, Poe, I would very much like to. But you made it my business the second you ignored my messages and decided to get laid instead.”

“Okay, lay off it will ya. I didn’t mean to blow you off. I just got distracted.” Poe defends weakly, it’s a bad argument but whatever. Muran could have some sympathy.

“I fucking hate DJ, you know that right.”

“Yeah yeah, I know, you’ve said.” Poe throws his shirt in the hamper. It doesn’t smell very nice. He needs a shower, now. 

“I should report you so you get demoted, might teach you something.” Muran leans against the wall, his eyes trailing up and down Poe’s very shirtless body. Poe ignores it. He’s not going down that road again...

“Ha ha, you’re funny.” 

“I’m not joking.” He’s totally joking, they both know it. Poe walks into the bathroom, leaves the door slightly open.

“Let me take a shower and then we can go to the bar.”

“I don’t want to go to the bar, that wasn’t the plan.” Muran calls back. 

“Yes well I’m changing the plan.”

“I hate you too.” But Poe can hear the smile in his voice.

“I love you babe.” He calls back before he closes the door. He really needs the shower. And then he should probably sleep. But whatever, he has other, funnier things planned than that. And he’s a very good sleeper anyway, so he can sleep when he’s dead.

XXXX

He takes a shower. After catching up with Jess and Snap he walks back to his and Finn’s room. He feels nervous, but he’s desperate to get the dirt off him. And he really needs to shave, it’s been too long since. So at the moment he doesn’t really have much of a choice. Luckily the room is empty. The bed is made and everything is clean, too clean. Like someone has been scrubbing the surfaces with desperation. Poe wonders if it’s Finn. Maybe he’s a stress cleaner. He ignores the bed and walks straight into the bathroom. He takes a long hot shower, it might have been a week since he last took one. He doesn’t remember and he knows that’s a bad sign. But he doesn’t really have time to think about that, so what really. He’s messed up, he’s already aware. Forgetting to take a shower isn’t even the worst on the list of bad things he could do. Catching up with Jess and Snap had however been a mix of things, he had expected them to be angry at him, to blame him. They did none of those things, no one seemed to. Snap had looked sad and Jess had squeezed his hand. Poe doesn’t know what’s he’s done to have people in his life that care this much about him. It feels wrong, like he doesn’t deserve it. 

He shaves and does his hair, spends maybe a little too much time on it for someone who’s about to go on a mission, but whatever. He also changes clothes, he makes sure to bring his leather jacket. The material is smooth beneath his fingers. It reminds him of a different time. He closes his eyes. A day spent with Finn, he can do this.

Well, he really hopes he can. Because he doesn’t really have a fucking choice. Goddamn Leia and her meddling with things she doesn’t have anything to do with. 

Two hours later and Poe is ready. He feels more put together than he has in a while. He hopes that’s what he’s projecting outwardly as well because on the inside he feels anything but calm. He walks towards the ship that is ready and waiting. As he gets closer Finn is already there with Leia and BB-8.

Poe crouches down in front of BB-8.

“I promise I’ll come back buddy.” He says and pats BB-8 on its head.

“I always come back, you know this.” He smiles a little at the droid’s concern. BB-8 beeps some more.

“This time will be no different.” He kisses BB-8 on the top of its head and it seems satisfied enough with that. Leia walks towards him.

“Good luck.” She places her hands on his shoulders and looks him in the eye.

“Don’t do anything stupid.” He smiles a little.

“I can’t promise anything but I will try for you.”

“Good. May the force be with you Poe Dameron.” The words seems heavier this time. He’s said those words to other people before. People have said them to him as well and this is the first time he feels the weight of them. He lets go of Leia and squares his shoulders to follow Finn inside the ship. It’s a smaller vessel and only equipped for a few people. It will work, he thinks. It’s not like they are on official Resistance business anyway. This ship is more discreet and it shouldn’t draw too much attention.

As he starts the takeoff he realises that he hasn’t piloted a ship in a while. Not since Crait. He feels himself calm as his hand touches the tools. It’s second nature to him. The feel of metal under his hands and the humming of the motor is like music in his ears. He loves this, the sound of the engine, the feeling of being in control in the air and the adrenaline it always gives him.

“Jumping into lightspeed in 3,2,1.” He says just to break the silence and prepare Finn. Finn hasn’t said a word since they got on the ship and Poe isn’t sure whether he should talk or not. He isn’t sure if Finn wants him to talk or not. It bothers him a lot. At least when he was avoiding Finn he didn’t have to worry what Finn actually wanted. But now when they are crammed into a tiny space together he feels very unsettled by the lack of conversation. It’s not like him and Finn to be like this...

The trip doesn’t take too long but though it all Finn doesn’t say a word. Poe’s left in his own head and it’s worse than it’s been the last few days. Being this close to Finn again without actually having him near is torture. It’s worse torture than sleeping in the same bed together. 

“Prepare for landing.” He says and Finn only nods as an acknowledgement. The ship goes into orbit and he gently pilots it to the ground. The planet is green, just like home, Poe thinks. From above he can spot a lot of lakes and rivers. Finn seems to be unable to take his eyes off the planet as well, his head constantly moving, as if he is trying to take it all in. Poe feels his heart tug at the sight. Poe knows Finn is a good fighter, deadly even. But now, looking like this, with a look of wonder in his eyes, he looks young and innocent. He doesn’t fit the picture of a fighter in the midst of a war.

They land in a clearing of the forest. This mission shouldn’t take too long. Just report on the population and the climate, its resources and such. In and out. And then he can go back to fixing ships and avoiding Finn and responsibilities. He can’t wait for it. He is about to exit the ship when Finn stops him. Poe slowly looks up and Finn wordlessly gives him a blaster. There is once again a look in Finn’s eyes that is hard to understand. Finn’s eyes land on Poe’s forehead, the bruise from a week ago making itself known. Guilt cross Finn’s features then and Poe gulps. The look is then as quickly as it came replaced by something unreadable again. Poe doesn’t try to figure it out, he doesn’t have the energy. He reaches out to take the blaster though. His fingers touch Finn’s accidentally, it’s warm and solid and Poe quickly moves his hand away. He doesn’t want to go there now, it’s not the time.

As he exits the ship he tries shaking off the feeling of unease he suddenly feels. He’s not sure where it comes from or if it’s just remnants of what just happened with Finn. His mind might be playing tricks like it does these days and he isn’t sure he can fully rely on it. But he can’t fully shake it though, that something is about to go very very wrong. 

“It’s so green.” Finn says and there is a giddiness to his voice Poe’s not heard before. It’s the first words he’s heard Finn speak in almost a week. He really has missed him.

“Yeah.” Poe agrees. They start walking towards another clearing close to a river. Poe’s blaster hangs heavy at his side. At least he is a good shot, so if something were to happen he would not be completely useless. They walk for a while, the sun high in the sky.

“This heat is different than the dessert on Jakku.” Finn suddenly says.

“Yeah, it’s humid.”

“Humid?”

“It means that there is water vapour in the air, we can’t see it but it’s here. It can make it feel hotter than it is.” Poe says as he wipes at the sweat on his forehead. He reaches into his pack and takes out the water bottle he had the sense to bring. When he is done he hands it to Finn who takes a few big sips.

“It takes a bit to get used to.” Poe offers. He doesn’t want Finn to stop talking.

“It’s strange, that all planets are so different.”

“It’s what makes them interesting though.”

“Yeah.” Finn agrees. Poe puts the bottle back. He meets Finn’s eyes and he has a funny look in them. 

“What?”

Finn smiles a little.

“Just… your hair, it’s different.” 

Poe knows what he means without having to look. So much for spending a long time on it. 

“It’s the humidity once again, it makes my hair go even more crazy than usual.” Finn laughs and Poe’s mouth quirk upwards.

“Humidity is strange.” And Poe agrees.

“Do you like it?” He finds himself asking, anything to keep Finn talking. 

“What?”

“The humidity?” Finn looks thoughtful for a while.

“I think I prefer the desert heat, this makes everything go clammy, it’s strange and a little uncomfortable.”

“Desserts have dry heat because it rarely rains in them.” Poe explains “It gets hot but it can at times feel cooler than humidity because our bodies can cool themselves down using sweat which evaporates quickly into the air, when there is water in the air like with humidity our bodies can’t do it as well. Either way drinking water is always important.”

“How do you know all this?” Finn asks.

“I don’t know, I learnt it a long time ago and it just sorta stuck. Yavin 4 has similar heat to this so I grew up with it.”

“I see.” Finn is about to continue talking when Poe suddenly hears something. He signals for Finn to lower his voice and it takes a second before Finn is in mission mode again. 

They crouch down and move forward. Finn is the first one to spot it. There is a clearing of the forest in front of them and Poe can see the river they were heading for. He almost stops breathing when he spots the stormtroopers. Maybe 10-15 of them unloading weapons from their ship.

“Shit.” Poe whispers.

“Yeah, this is bad. We’ve not even been here an hour and they’ve somehow found us.”

“Maybe they don’t know we’re here.”

“Maybe, if they’re not here for us, they’re here for the local inhabitants.” Finn says.

“Shit.” Poe says again. 

“So what do you want to do?”

Poe is taken aback by the question. 

“You outrank me.” Finn says like it’s the most simple thing.

He knows that, but he doesn’t feel comfortable making the decision. This mission was supposed to be recon, in and out and not forcing Poe to actually make any of the tough calls. Like, whether to wait and see if the First Order is here for Finn and him or protect the small village he knows is behind the river. 

“I don’t know.” He says. “If they’re heading for the village they should be warned and they might need our help. On the other hand the two of us could draw their attention away which would hopefully make the villagers realise something is wrong and have the time to hide.”

“We can’t leave innocents behind.”

“No I agree, I couldn’t do that either.”

“We have to sneak around them.” Finn says.

“Yeah, but sneaking around them would take too long if they are heading for the village. How many do you see?”

“12 maybe 15.”

“Weapons?”

“Standards, F-11D blasters, a few batons maybe.” 

“Okay. You see anyone in charge?”

Finn takes a long look. “There, to the left.” 

“How can you tell?”

“Usually they’d wear the red on their shoulders, you’ve seen it?”

Poe nods, he has indeed.

“Well he’s taken it off, probably to blend in, but you see the way he moves a little straighter and a little more confident than the rest, the rest of the troopers almost avoid getting in his way. Take a look.”

Poe does as he’s told. He wouldn’t be able to pick that out himself but with Finn’s information he can see it. It’s not very obvious, but it’s there.

“Yeah, I see it.”

“So, maybe a diversion then?” Poe says. 

“You think we can take them?”

“I don’t know, 15 against 2, those odds are not in our favour, but with the advantage of surprise maybe, at least scare them enough so they’ll take off.”

Finn thinks about what he’s just said. 

“Okay, aim for the armpits and the necks, those are weak points.” He says. He has a determined look in his eyes. 

“Anything else?” 

“Be careful.” They lock eyes again and Poe finds that it’s difficult to look away. Finn is the first to do it and heads left. Poe mirrors his position on the right. He feels adrenaline taking over, he doesn’t even have time to feel scared. What they’re about to do is stupid. But this is better than letting innocents get killed, that much he knows.

They’re opposite each other now, Finn having the advantage of cover by the First Order ship. Poe signals forward, and it doesn’t take long for Finn to start shooting. Poe waits a few seconds, the troopers’s attention on Finn and then starts shooting as well. He takes down two before he is noticed. The group splits into two, understanding that they are getting attacked from two different directions. He dives behind a tree, just about managing to take cover before they start shooting. He quickly takes out two more. He hopes Finn is doing okay, he’s too far away now to see him. The tree is suddenly blasted to pieces and splinter fly everywhere, Poe just about managing to roll away. He lets out a groan as leftover bark is slammed into his face. He is honestly getting to old for this, he thinks, before he stands back up again and starts shooting. He spots Finn a little further away, seemingly fine but occupied in a battle. He must have taken one of the weapons from another stormtrooper but he seems to be having the upper hand in the battle he is engaged in. Poe shoots down another trooper heading for Finn in the distance. 

His attention elsewhere he doesn’t see the other one coming from behind him and his body is jerked violently to the side, the electric shock that courses through him makes him unable not to cry out. He hits the ground hard and has a second to move before the baton is slammed into the ground just where his body was. He scrambles back, the trooper coming after him. His blaster lies lost on the ground somewhere. The trooper strikes again and Poe rolls to the side quickly kicking his legs out. It’s sheer luck but it works, the trooper stumbles and falls and Poe grabs the baton of the ground and thrust it into the trooper. He drops dead in a second. He doesn’t have time to think about what he’s just done, adrenaline coursing through his veins as he gets back up. Looking around he feels relieved, there are barely any stormtroopers left, they might actually be able to do this. As he bends down to pick up his blaster, Finns shoots two more down and Poe takes another one down as well. Their eyes meet, and Finn smiles. Poe finds himself doing the same, relieved that they’ve managed to take out most of the squad. Finn’s attention is pulled away once again as a charging stormtrooper come for him.

It takes a while for Poe to notice. But when he does, dread fills his stomach. On Finn’s right a fallen stormtrooper suddenly gets up. And Poe realises that Finn won’t be able to defend himself, his attention occupied elsewhere. He doesn’t even need time to think about his decision, so before he is even fully aware of what he is doing, he throws himself in front of Finn at the same time to tropper fires his blaster. As he hits the ground he lets out a disgruntled cry. He sees Finn take down both the troopers in two swift moves and it all goes quiet.

“Poe!” Finn screams and runs to his side. He tries sitting up but find that the world is going dark around the edges.

“Poe! Are you okay? Oh my God.” Finn sounds slightly frantic above him.

“Yeah. I’m good.” He tries sitting up again but let’s out a groan. His hand touches his side and it takes him a while to realise his hand is bloody, and that it’s his own.

“Don’t move.” Finn is crouched by his head a worried look in his eye.

“I’m bleeding.” Poe finds himself saying, the world still slightly out of focus.

“I know, I can see, that’s why you need to lie still.” Finn says. He rips at his own shirt and gets a piece of fabric lose. He disappears from Poe’s view for a while and then he can feel pressure on his abdomen. 

Finn ties the piece of cloth around his stomach as Poe tries not to move.

“What were you thinking, Poe!” Finn exclaims.

“I couldn’t let you die.”

Finn’s face comes back into view and he helps Poe into a sitting position, his hands steady behind his back.

“Okay, I’m gonna help you up, you think you can stand?”

“Yeah of course.” Finn doesn’t look as convinced but he hauls Poe up to his feet, keeping his other arm securely around his back. Poe lets out a hiss of pain as his body is jostled.

“Sorry.” Finn says. They stand still for a little bit, Poe is trying to get his breathing under control.

“I’m good.”

“Okay, we’re gonna try and walk now, we need to get back to the ship.”

“Yeah. Okay let's go.” Finn takes a small step forward and Poe is grateful for Finn’s strength. He’s leaning into Finn and it’s painful but he thinks like this he can manage.

The walk is slow but with each step they are making progress. Finn stops every time Poe grunts and Poe tries to tell him to keep going, he’s not gonna die from a little walking. Finn seems to disagree.

Suddenly his foot is caught by surprise by a root. Finn isn’t expecting it either and doesn’t have the time to react before Poe is falling forward face first to the ground, beside him Finn goes thumbling as well. He lets out a cry of pain as he hits the ground for the millionth time today. 

“Poe!” Finn scrambles forward. He doesn’t have it in him to even turn around, he is breathing through his nose, trying to calm his hectic breathing. The pain has tenfolded and he thinks that he might pass out. Finn is at his side again and gently turns him around. Poe exhales, the pain somewhat manageable again.

“Shit shit shit.” Finn is saying.

“It’s fine.”

“I think you and me have very different definitions of fine.”

Poe looks down at his wound, the cloth Finn tied around him is getting bloodier and bloodier.

“You need to get back to the ship, Finn.”

Finn looks up.

“Not without you.”

“I’m only slowing you down.”

“I can’t just leave you.”

“The ship is at least 3 kilometers away, I’ll never make it that far, it will take too long. You need to get back to the ship and get in contact with Leia or Rey so they’ll know what’s happened.”

“Poe. I am not leaving you here, do you understand.” Finn says it seriously. 

“I understand, Finn, but you can’t drag me to the ship like this, it will take too long and what if there are more of the The First Order sitting around, if we get ambushed like this both of us are gonna die.” He tries.

“Fine, I’ll go back to the ship and get in contact with Leia and get a medic bag. And I’ll come back for you okay?” There’s an authoritative note to Finn’s tone that Poe doesn’t dare argue with.

“Yeah okay.” He agrees. 

“Okay. Let’s get you a little more sheltered, I don’t want to leave you out in the open like this.”

They slowly wobble forward, away from the open path and deeper into the forest. It’s slow work, even slower than before, and Poe feels dizzy every time he takes a step. He is losing blood rapidly and he thinks he might be close to passing out.

Finn finally seems satisfied with the area, it’s more sheltered under a few trees and it’s in the shade. He slowly eases Poe to the ground and helps him lean into a tree. Finn looks worriedly at the wound.

“You’re losing blood.” And there is a slight desperation to his voice. 

“Yeah.” 

Finn gently removes the cloth that’s now fully covered in blood. He shakes the blood of and then gently ties it again. Poe can’t help but let out a hiss of pain.

“Sorry.” Finn looks guilty.

“It’s okay.”

“Okay I need you to press down here, don’t let go. Hopefully it will help stop the bleeding till I get back.”

“Okay.” Poe does as he is told. Finn takes his water bottle out and gives it to him.

“I’ll be back soon I promise.” Finn hands him a blaster and before he gets up to leave they lock eyes. He grips Poe’s hand tightly and the air feels heavy with it all.

“Yeah.” Poe chokes out.

“Don’t die.” And Poe thinks it’s meant to be a joke, but it comes out sounding a lot more serious than Finn intended.

“I’ll try.” He tries to sound reassuring and Finn gets up and starts moving.

Poe holds the water bottle to his mouth. The adrenaline is wearing off and the heat is starting to feel suffocating. He’s been hurt before and he’s lived through it all. But this time it’s looking pretty bad. Well, if the blaster didn’t hit any major organs and he right now has internal bleeding then maybe it won’t be as bad. 

He’s still conscious and the world isn’t spinning as much. If the bleeding stops then maybe he’ll have a chance of living through this. Maybe. He is not optimistic but he hasn’t completely given up hope yet. 

There are birds twittering, it’s such a strange thing in this moment that he laughs. There is a warm breeze in the air and with the birds singing almost makes it feel peaceful. The grass is soft where he sits and the sun rising higher on the sky almost reminds him of home. He doesn’t mind it all so much right now.

Poe doesn’t know how much time passes but eventually Finn does come back. He’s barely awake when it happens, his head resting against the tree and his eyes dropping.

“I’m sorry it took so long. The ship was surrounded by First Order troops when I got there. I had to create a diversion before I could even get close enough to grab what I needed.” Finn is crouching down beside him.

“Did anyone see you?”

“No, but they will find out about our attack soon enough and start looking for us.” He starts unloading the medic bag.

“This was all I had the time to grab.” Finn holds up antiseptic and gauze.

“It will have to do.” Poe removes his hand from his side, the bleeding seems to have stopped. Finn starts by cleaning the remainants of blood with the water and the cold against his skin is soothing. But then Finn gets an uncertain look on his face as he holds up the antiseptic.

“This is going to hurt.”

“Just do it.” Poe looks away and while Finn pulls his shirt up Poe braces himself for the pain.

He doesn’t actually expect it to hurt as much as it does. But it does. It feels like his skin is being pulled back and ripped open. He doesn’t recognize his own voice as he screams. Finn is mumbling sorries but Poe barely hears. 

It feels like ages until the pain finally stops. His fits are cleanched as he tries to get his breathing under control.

“Sorry.” Finn says from somewhere and Poe gestures that’s fine. He doesn’t trust his voice just yet. He can feel Finn tie the bandage around his abdomen once again.

“The blood seems to have stopped at least.”

Finn is back by his head and slowly helps him into a sitting position. He must have fallen down when he was screaming.

“Thanks. How long do you think it will take until the First Order finds us?” Poe’s voice is raspy.

“Hard to say, a couple of hours maybe. If we’re lucky.”

“That’s if they didn’t hear me screaming.”

“Yeah.”

“Did you manage to get in contact with Leia?”

“No, I only managed to get a communicator and it might not be tied to the right frequency and in that case we’ll have no way of getting of this planet.” Finn takes it out and hands it to Poe.

He puts it on and it fizzles to life. He puts in his codes and waits, he tries again when nothing happens.

“Shit.” Finn says.

“Shit indeed. This mission is supposed to last a day tops but Leia will already be tipped off by our lack of communication, if we’re lucky she’ll have sent someone out to get us.”

Poe leaves out the part where he isn’t sure if he has that much time left but Finn seems to be thinking along similar lines. Poe closes his eyes, the birds have gone quiet.

“Hey, you can’t sleep.” Finn is touching him and Poe tries shrugging him off.

“I’m serious Poe.”

He opens his eyes and grumbles.

“I’m sorry by the way.” Finn suddenly says.

“What are you sorry for?”

“For how I reacted when you told me about Slip.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it.” Poe finds he can’t look at Finn.

“No it’s not. Poe, look at me.” When he doesn’t Finn very slowly reaches out and cups his cheek. His eyes finds Finn’s stormy dark ones.

“I am sorry, you shouldn’t have lied to me, but I should have understood that the reason you struggled to tell me was because you were scared of the way I would react. You didn’t want me to leave and then I did. That wasn’t nice, so I just want you to know that I am sorry about that.”

“I’m sorry too, really sorry. I didn’t mean to kill him Finn.”

“I know, it’s okay.” Finn’s hand finds his and he Poe grips it back. He never wants to let it go. 

“It’s not really.”

“No, maybe not. Killing is never a good thing. But I still forgive you.”

Poe suddenly laughs.

“We have such bad timing. I mean, I might not even make it out of here and if this is how I die that’s okay but we wasted so much time. I wasted so much time.”

“You’re not going to die.”

“I don’t want to die here, Finn, believe me I don’t. If I could decide I would want this war done with and then I’d take a ship and fly you wherever you wanted to go, and we’d see everything you want to see and eat everything you want to eat. And do things you’ve never done before.”

“That sounds nice.” Finn says softly and smiles. 

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“The birds have gone quiet.” Poe notes.

“What birds?”

“Just the birds, they were singing earlier.”

Finn gives him a strange look.

“What birds? There are no birds.”

“Yes there were.” Pos insists. 

“Okay.”

“They were singing very nicely.”

“Poe, are you okay?”

“Yeah yeah I’m fine.”

He feels a little dizzy again but not worse than he did before.

“You should have something to eat.” Finn begins looking through his bag once again the sound strangely loud in Poe’s ears.

“Here.” Finn hands him something and Poe takes it with shaky hands. Finn is once again looking unsure. 

“Thanks.” He takes a bite. The fruit tastes weird. It’s like his taste buds doesn’t want to cooperate. He swallows anyway refusing to alarm Finn more.

“I like Rose by the way, she’s cool.” Poe finds himself saying, mostly to distract Finn.

“Yeah she is.”

“Hopefully Rey will realise what’s in front of her soon.”

“They’re both very stubborn, I wonder who will act first.” Finn muses.

“My money is on Rose.”

“Hmm yeah it seems likely.”

“They’re a good match.” Finn nods.

“Yeah they are.” Finn looks at him, Poe flushes and can’t look away. Finn’s eyes are intense and Poe’s heartbeat picks up.

“Poe I-I…”

They both freeze at the sound of footsteps. They can hear voices in the distance, they are close. Poe slides down further to hide and his hand finds the blaster again. On his side, Finn does something similar. There are a few intense minutes where Poe thinks they will get caught. They get lucky, the voices and footsteps fade away. Poe relaxes.

“Fuck.” Finn exclaims and wipes at the sweat on his forehead. Poe agrees with him. They got lucky, but who knows how much of that they really have left.

XXXX 

6 years ago

The room is dead silent. The tension hangs heavy in the air. Poe’s squadron are all waiting for him to say something. He’s clutching Muran’s academy uniform in his hands. 

“Poe-” Jess begins.

“No.” He says. He looks up from the ground.

“I’m done.”

“What do you mean?” Snap asks from his right.

“I’m done with the New Republic. Just done. Their indifference cost Muran his life. Fuck them. I’m out.”

“You’re leaving?”

“Yeah, I’m not staying another minute.”

“So what are you going to do then?” Jess asks.

Poe’s never been surer of himself when he says the next words.

“I’m joining the Resistance.”

He gets in contact with Leia Organa the same day. He’s never looked back since the day.

XXXX

The shivering comes out of nowhere. And logically Poe knows it’s not cold, it must still be over 25 degrees, but his teeth are clattering against each other and he is shaking uncontrollably. 

“Poe!” Finn sounds scared.

“It’s so cold, Finn.”

He curls inwards, trying to preserve some of his own body heat. Finn comes closer and Poe flinches away at his touch.

“What’s wrong, Poe?” Finn’s looking uncertain.

“C-cold.” He stutters. 

“Okay, Poe, I am going to touch you know, you might feel pressure on your forehead.”

Poe nods. He feels the pressure soon enough.

“Fuck you’re burning up.” Finn gently moves his hand down towards the bandages. He lifts Poe’s shirt up and swears.

“It looks like it’s gotten infected, shit this is bad.”

Poe hums something in reply. The world is going fussy around the edges again and his brain feels sluggish.

“Poe, hey Poe, can you hear me?” Finn gently cups his face and Poe meets Finn’s dark panicky ones.

“F-Finn.” He says.

“Yes that’s my name. I need to take care of this so I am going to take the bandage off now.”

He nods.

He tries moving away when Finn pulls the bandage away.

“Hey, Poe, I need you to lie still, no moving okay.”

“O-okay.” 

Finn closes his eyes and takes out the antiseptic again.

“No.” Poe says panic beginning to rise in his chest. Not that thing, he doesn’t like it.

“I’m so sorry but it might help the infection go down, it’s all I have and I-I don’t know what else to do.”

“Nooo.” He says trying to pull away from Finn.

“Please Poe, listen to me.” Finn grabs his hand. “Please trust me.”

In his confusion they lock eyes and Poe nods. There’s something there that tells him he does trust Finn.

“Okay, on the count of three.” Finn says. “1-2-” And then Finns pours it unexpectedly on the wound and a scream is torn from his throat.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” The pain stops but Poe’s breath is uneven. His head feels surprisingly clear though. It’s like someone has poured cold water over him. Finn quickly redresses the wound and Poe’s breathing slows.

“I’m cold.” He starts shivering again.

“I know.” Finn takes off his jacket and puts it around Poe’s shoulders. He slowly lies down beside Poe. When his shivering doesn’t disappear Finn let’s out a sigh and scoots closer. He gathers Poe up in his arms and maneuvers him on top of him. His head resting on Finn’s chest. His shivering slows a little but there is still a coldness that he’s unable to stop that’s seeping into his veins.

“Promise me you won’t die.” Finn whispers then.

“I can’t.”

“You can’t die, not like this, it’s not right.” Finn hugs him closer. Poe’s eyes are falling shut.

“I don’t want to die.” He croaks out.

“Then don’t. You still have so many things to see.”

“I’ve been living on borrowed time for a while. Maybe this is how I go. I’ll get to see my mother again.” He gets out, his brain becoming foggy enough that it’s hard to form sentences. 

“No, please don’t die.”

“I miss my mother.” The world is getting darker.

“I know you do but she wouldn’t want you to die, please Poe listen to me you have to keep fighting, someone is coming for us.”

“I can’t.” Another shiver racks his body violently. Finn holds him closer.

“Yes you can, please.”

Poe nods.

“Okay, but the world is going dark.” He mumbles, it’s getting hard to see.

“No Poe, it’s still light outside, the sun is still shining. It’s warm and there are birds, I can hear them now as well.” Poe thinks Finn might be crying but he isn’t sure. 

“I love bird singing.” 

“It’s beautiful Poe.” Finn says.

He hums and closes his eyes. Distantly he thinks Finn might be saying his name but he feels too tired to open his eyes. 

XXXX

6 years ago

“You did what?” Poe very rarely raises his voice these days but fucking DJ has a tendency to push just the right buttons to make Poe fume.

“F-fucking calm down will ya?” DJ says as he throws his jumper on the nearby chair. He looks tired, and he probably is. Poe’s not seen him for one month.

“I would if I didn’t just hear that you sold a Cloaking device to The First Order.” He stands up and crosses his arms. DJ grimaces.

“Yeah okay, I’m tired, I probably shouldn’t have said anything to you of all people.”

Poe’s eyebrows shoot upwards.

“I think what you’re looking for is actually ‘I shouldn’t have sold anything to The First Order at all.”

DJ shrugs. “They paid great money.” He throws a bag on the table. Poe eyes it venomously. Blood money. He wants to fucking burn it.

“Do you have any idea what a setback this is for the Resistance? A cloaking device means they will be able to attack more viciously, we won’t see them coming.”

“T-tough luck.” DJ walks towards the kitchen leaving Poe behind in the living room. Poe knows DJ is doing this on purpose and normally Poe wouldn’t fall for it, but he’s so angry that he doesn’t care.

“Don’t you have anything decent to eat?” DJ is rummaging through his fridge. Poe steps up behind it and slams the door shut, DJ just about managing to snatch his fingers out of the way.

“Hey!”

“This conversation isn’t over.”

DJ rolls his eyes.

“Yes it is, I have nothing more to say and I’d rather have sex than fight.”

“Fuck you.” Poe says.

DJ’s lips curve.

“Yeah that’s what I was suggesting.”

“Get out.”

“Oh come, you know what I do, don’t act so surprised and hurt by t-this.”

“I’m not hurt you fucking idiot, I’m angry, you know how hard we’ve worked the last months on tracking down the First Order. I told you that! And now you tell me that you’ve gone and sold a cloaking device to them, what did you think my reaction was going to be like?”

“Well first off I wasn’t planning on you knowing.”

“Well I do know.”

“Yeah you d-do...Leia did offer to buy it as well, buuuuut the Resistance is broke compared to the First Order so I went to the highest bidder. It was just business.”

Poe clenches his fists. He might actually deck DJ in the face.

“Get the fuck out before I punch you in the face.”

DJ narrows his eyes, he’s looking for something. Maybe to see if Poe’s serious with his threat. He very much is and maybe he sees that because he turns around and gathers up his jumper in his arms.

“Fine!” He snaps. The door slams shut, and Poe doesn’t see DJ for a long time after that.

XXXX

Poe flinches awake. He is burning up. The movement has Finn looking worried.

“Poe.” Finn says.

“Hot.” He tries ripping his shirt off. His skin is crawling, it makes him want to crawl out of it. It’s hard to breathe as well.

“Poe.” Finn says louder. As he goes to grab the hem of his shirt Finn takes his hands in his.

“Poe, I need you to calm down.” Finn tries. Poe is shaking his head.

“No I need to get home to my dad.” Finn looks confused.

“You’re on Seregar, on a mission, Poe.”

“Where? What am I doing here?” He looks Finn in the eyes.

“We were sent on a mission a few hours ago, you and me. By Leia.”

“Leia?” He asks.

“Yes, the General.”

“Okay.” Finn seems relieved. He brings the water bottle to Poe’s face.

“Drink please.” Poe does as he’s told. When he’s done he gives it back, there is not much left in it. Finn pours the rest out on some gauze and puts it on Poe’s forehead

“Who are you?” Poe asks, everything feels weird. He should be home with his dad. A worried look passes over Finn’s face.

“I’m Finn, I’m your friend.”

“Friend?”

“Yes, I also know BB-8.”

“Oh I know BB-8 too.”

“Yes, it is your droid.”

“A good droid.” Poe says.

“Very good. Can you lie down for me.” Poe feels uncertain at first but something in FInn’s eyes makes him trust him so he does. Finn sits down beside him.

His clothes are soaked through by sweat and he finds it hard to take deep breaths. 

“Why is breathing hard? He sludders.

“You have a fever.” Finn explains. “You need to rest and remain calm.”

“Okay.” Poe tries closing his eyes. The other person is stroking his hair. He thinks his name is Finn but he isn’t sure.

And for the next hours he is in and out of it. He wakes up cold and the next time he is freezing. He doesn’t know how long it lasts but he finds it harder and harder to open his eyes every time he passes out.

“Finn?” He croaks out when he has a moment of lucidness.

“Yes, I’m here.” Finn’s face comes into view.

“If I don’t make it promise me you’ll live.”

He doesn’t want to say it but he feels weak and so goddamn tired. The moment of lucidity allows for Poe to actually regard the situation for what it is. And he’s running out of time.

“Poe, don’t talk like that, you will make it.”

“I’m not sure I will.”

“You have to fight it.”

He closes his eyes.

“Hey, hey don’t fall asleep, keep your eyes on me.” He struggles to open them again. 

“Finn…”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t think I’m going to make it.”

“Of course you will. Please Poe you’re not allowed to die, do you hear me? Please don’t die, please don’t leave me.” Finn has tears streaming down his face. Poe reaches out and wipes at them.

“It’s okay.” He whispers.

“No! Don’t let go.” Finn finds his hand and grips it hard. ”Don’t leave me Poe, you can’t. You have so many things to show me. So many planets to discover together.” 

“You’ll see them all without me.” Poe smiles.

“No, not without you.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Finn you got to promise me to live if I don’t make it.”

“You will make it.” Finn tries.

Poe takes their entwined hands and kisses Finn’s palm.

“Promise me you will see them all without me, all the planets and try all the foods. Promise me you’ll live.” Finn is quiet.

“I promise.” He says, eventually.

Poe smiles.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

He starts fumbling for his mother’s ring he always wears around his neck. He rips it off and takes a long look at it, it’s a beautiful ring and it belongs to no other than to Finn now. So he gives it to him, he mother would have liked that he thinks. Finn takes it and Poe rests his hand on top of Finn’s.

“It belonged to my mother, Shara Bey. I want you to have it.”

Finn looks at it and takes it. Poe suddenly feels tired. The ring is now safe. It’s where it’s supposed to be, and so he doesn’t need to keep fighting anymore. He closes his eyes. Distantly he hears his name being called.

XXXX

His head rolls to the side, and the violent motion wakes him again. He distantly hear Finn’s voice calling out.

“Let him go!”

“Shut your mouth.” An unknown voice says. There is scuffling and he hears Finn let out a hiss.

“Don’t touch him.” Poe hears again. He somehow manages to get his eyes to open and when he’s roughly showed to the side he lets out a groan.

“Oh that one is alive.” Another voice says and then his face is turned to the side by a white boot.

Poe!” Finn says desperately. Poe struggles to turn his head to the side where he can see Finn pressed down to the ground. He closes his eyes. It’s all too much.

“Well he is no use, he’s pretty much dead with that wound.” The poke at his side makes him curl inwards, trying to get away.

“Stop! Please stop hurting him.” Finn pleads. There is laughing and Finn groans. Poe barely knows where he is or how he’s still alive.

“Might put him out of his misery.” The same voice says and Poe hears him take out his blaster.

“No!” Finn screams, his voice is loud in Poe’s ears.

“Look how you care, it will make it even more fun.” Poe curls inwards at the kick he receives. He thinks he screams as well. And then Finn is also screaming and everything is so loud in Poe’s ears. He is roughly shoved up by his hair. He doesn’t have any energy to struggle, his head rolling uncontrollably to the side. There is something cold pressed against his forehead. 

He meets Finn’s eyes.

Finn is struggling, there are two stormtroopers holding him down and it seems they are having a hard time keeping him there.

“It’s okay.” Poe says and looks Finn in the eyes.

“No.”

“Yes, it’s okay.” Finn stops struggling and Poe smiles. His last energy goes out of his body as he closes his eyes. He doesn’t think he will open them again. 

He hears the shot and everything goes silent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun dun .....!!!
> 
> After this chapter I have one more planned until this one is done, feels crazy. I can't believe I've finished a story. I've mostly finished part 2 but I have also written part of a one shot from Finn's pov which will be out after I've finished this.
> 
> So anyone had a chance to read Star Wars Resistance Reborn ??? Finpoe canon anyone ???? LIKE there is sooooo much in there!
> 
> Also sorry for hurting Finn and Poe in this part but it had to happen, ya know for the story.
> 
> Next time around: EVERYONE WORRIES!
> 
> Thanks to Elliiieee my comma gremlin, you know you're the best!
> 
> See you next time around!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is at last!!!! The last chapter, buckle in it's a long one lads!

He wakes up. He doesn’t understand how, but somehow he does. The sunlight is shining right in his face and it drags him away from his slumber. He groans but quickly closes his eyes again, everything is too bright.

He’s alive? How the fuck is he alive? He should be dead, but there is the distinct sound of a heart monitor on his left side. He can hear it clearly. His body feels heavy, it’s hard to move, and his head, it feels like someone’s hit him with a brick. The beeping is loud enough it makes him want to rip it off just to give his head a break. Right now there is too much pain for him to be dead.

“Poe?” He groans, but turns his head at the sound of his name. It takes him a while to be able to open his eyes again and when he finally does, he comes face to face with Finn.

“Hey.” Poe gets out, his voice is raspy and talking feel a little like sandpaper is scraping against his throat. It doesn’t sound like him. He hears Finn let out a sigh and then his whole body sags towards Poe’s.

“Poe...” Finn whispers, his eyes are closed and his hands are shaking. Poe tries to move his hand, it’s slow work, his arm feels as heavy as lead and moving it takes so much out of him that he doubts for a second he’ll be able to actually do it. He finally manages and moves it to Finn’s arm and squeezes. 

“Hey, Finn, you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m good just…” He doesn’t finish the sentence and he hasn’t looked at Poe yet. He’s breathing heavily and it looks like he’s holding back tears.

“What happened? I’m a little hazy on the details.” He says, trying to break Finn out of his state. Finn takes a moment before he replies, Poe doesn’t push him and eventually he says.

“Rey and Rose found us in time. Took down the rest of the Stormtroopers just when I thought it was too late.” He finally looks up and Poe notes the unshed tears in his eyes. 

“Okay.”

“You were in such critical condition that no one thought you’d make it.” Finn continues and doesn’t break eye contact. “The wound had gotten infected really really bad. You have a concussion as well and lots of bruising but the infection has gone down now. And no internal bleeding or anything. The shot missed any internal organs. But it was bad, Poe. Really bad.” He whispers, the pained look makes Poe stop for a second.

“How bad?”

Finn wipes at the tears.

“They had to induce you into a coma because your injury had taken such a toll on your body. You wouldn’t have survived otherwise. Dr. Kalonia gave you five days at first, your stats had to improve for her to be able to take you out of it.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah it was bad. Your stats didn’t improve until way into the seventh day and then you were brought out of the coma.”

“How long was I out for?”

“After that, it took 4 more days for you to wake up, so you’ve been out over ten days Poe.”

Poe’s eyebrows shoot upwards.

“Damn.”

“Yeah.” Finn looks tired, Poe notes, the dark circles under his eyes more prominent than he’s ever seen them and there’s a haunted look in them that Poe’s never associated with Finn before. He has some bruising on his face too, probably left from Sareg. 

“Have you been here the whole time?” Poe gives him a pointed look. Finn doesn’t look guilty.

“Yeah.” 

“I know a little about that.” He smiles a small smile.

“Fuck Poe. I thought you wouldn’t wake up.” His voice breaks.

“Yeah me neither.” He whispers.

“Why did you do it? You shouldn’t have sacrificed yourself like that!” Finn raises his voice suddenly and Poe flinches at the sound, a little too loud for his head. Finn looks guilty for a split second.

“It was the right thing to do.” He repeats the words back to Finn, words he said to Poe what feels like a lifetime ago. 

“Fuck you, Poe.” He growls. The guilty look has vanished and been replaced with immediate anger. But it doesn’t make him get up and leave, not yet. 

“Now you know what it feels like.” He says and cups Finn’s cheek. He says it without malice and blame. He says it like it is. The mood shifts and Finn’s anger seems to disappear.

“Almost dying wasn’t part of the plan. It really wasn’t. But between you and me you deserve to live more than I do. It was an easy call to make, and I would do it again.” He says.

“What if I don’t want you to?.”

“It’s not your choice to make.”

Finn is saved from answering by Leia, Dr Kalonia, Rey and Rose walking in. Finn sits back but only slightly and he’s still holding tightly onto Poe’s hands.

“Poe.” Leia says. There are more lines around her eyes than Poe’s ever seen before.

“General.” 

“Leia, please.” She sounds tired. Pod nods. 

Dr Kalonia walks towards his bed.

“This should make you feel better.” And as she says it the pain slowly dissipates. He lets out a happy sigh as the morphine kicks in helping with his headache. 

“The blaster missed any internal organs, but the wound got infected. We had to induce you into a come for your body to be able to heal from what happened. You’ve also had a surgery, it went well. But I’m afraid the healing process for this is going to take some time. It might be a while before you walk normally again. Then there’s the weight loss and the loss of muscle mass that needs to be considered as well.” Doctor Kalonia continues. Poe nods, listening to her halfheartedly. 

“What did I say about doing something stupid?” Leia says in her mom voice, as Poe’s taken to calling it. He shrugs.

“Not to do it.” 

“So you did hear me, did you listen though?” He smiles wryly and Leia shakes her head.

“You pull a move like this again and you’re benched forever, got it Commander?” 

“Aye aye.” He salutes. 

“Now rest, focus on getting better. I have some things to attend to at the moment, I will see you later.” She smiles and touches his leg before she leaves the room again. Poe’s sure he’ll see her soon again, he’s expecting a telling off at some point.

“I’ll be in the other room if you need me.” Dr Kalonia says, Poe nods.

Rose pulls out a chair and sits on the other side of him.

“You gave us quite a scare there.” She says.

“Sorry, that wasn’t my intention.” His words slurring a little as the morphine does its job. He feels so much better already.

“It was hell, getting Finn to sleep, or eat, or take a shower.” Rey tries to lighten the mood.

“We had to promise him to take shifts looking after you.” Rose continues and looks over at Finn and smiles fondly. Interestingly Finn has a faint blush on his cheeks.

“Thanks, by the way, for saving us.” Poe looks at them both.

“No worries, though it seems to be the only thing I do. Save you two from trouble.” Rey says her eye twinkling, Poe chuckles.

BB-8 rolls in then, and this seems to be the millionth time that Poe is on the receiving end of its anger. He’s got to admit he’s pulled some shit recently.

“Hi.” Poe says. BB-8 pushes past Finn and looks up at Poe beeping.

“Yeah I didn’t die though, I promised I’d come back and I did.” Poe reaches out to touch its head, resting his hand there.

“Yeah I’ll rest and then I’ll be fine.” BB-8 looks over at Rey for confirmation, which is offensive, Poe thinks.

Rey smirks. “Yeah he’ll be okay.” 

“Traitor.” Poe says without heat.

Poe doesn’t dignify BB-8’s crude reply and sticks out his tongue. BB-8 gives him a thumbs up and rolls towards Rey. Finn and Rey share a look that suddenly doesn’t sit well with Poe. Even in his dazed and slightly confused state, he can tell that something is going on that he might not like.

“What’s going on?” He slurs. Rey bites at her lip and shares another look with Finn before she seems to make up her mind.

“I would never use the force on you without your permission but there wasn’t any time and you were dying.”

“Okay…”

“You were really far gone and it was my last resort, so I used it to help you.”

“Help me, how?”

“I-I … It’s hard to explain but you were not ‘there’ so I brought you back.”

“I was dead?”

“No, not yet. But you were sort of passing on so I cleared the way a little to get you back to the surface just so that we would have enough time to get you back to base.” Rey wears a guilty expression, Rose bites at his lip and Finn looks at him apprehensively, like they are all waiting for him to explode.

“I’m sorry, I really am. I shouldn’t have done it that to you, but I didn’t know how to help otherwise. I swear I was only trying to help.”

Poe’s silent, lets the words wash over him. The tension in the room is almost unbearable and it’s seems to have rendered the rest of them to the point of not speaking. 

“Okay, it’s okay.”

“You sure?” None of them look like they believe him.

“Yeah, you said you had no other choice and I trust you.” Poe moves his hand away from Finn’s with great effort and holds it out for Rey. She looks relieved as she grasps it tightly.

“Okay.”

“Thanks for saving me.”

“Anytime. Well actually no, I take that back, just no more saving you for a while thanks. This whole coma thing I’d rather not do again.” Rey squeezes it back and they lock eyes for a second. The words hang heavy in the air even though it’s meant to be a joke. He holds her eyes for a little longer and then, Poe’s the first to look away. 

“Well, we’ll let you rest, then.” Rose breaks the silence and gets up from the chair. Rey squeezes his hand back and copies Rose. Before she leaves the room she waves and then Poe sees her take Rose’s hand. He gives Finn a look and he smiles and shrugs. 

“I’ve been busy elsewhere, I don’t know what’s happened between those two.”

“I see.” Poe smiles.

“But between the two of us, they might have finally done something about it.”

“Ah I’m happy to hear.”

“Seeing people almost die tends to have an effect on people. Makes them realise what’s important.” Finn says seriously.

“Yeah.”

“Poe I-” Finn stops when Poe can’t help but let out a yawn.

“Sorry.” He says but Finn has a fond look in his eyes.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll let you sleep, we’ll have time to talk later.” 

 

Poe nods, but he thinks he should disagree, that it’s rude not to let Finn speak. But he’s struggling with keeping his eyes open, everything has gone a little fuzzy. And he’s in a comfortable bed and the pain is a dulled enough not to bother him. He distantly thinks he almost died, so maybe he gets a bit of a leeway right now.

“Okay.” Finn takes his hand and Poe feels his eyes start to drift.

XXXX

The next time he wakes up, DJ is leaning against the wall. He rubs at his eyes trying to get rid of his tiredness. The memories from Sareg are hazy details in his mind. He thinks he remembers most of it, but every time he closes his eyes he’s sure he sees new flashes of things he hasn’t seen before. At times he can’t even piece together what memory belongs where in the timeline. 

“I’d t-take it easy, you were in and out of it earlier. Apparently the morphine wore off so Kalonia gave you more, so you might feel a little-”

“Why are you upside down?” He slurs. DJ’s lip quirk upwards.

“Disorientated.” He finishes the sentence. Poe struggles against the pillows to sit up better but his body feels heavy and his bones protest with each movement. He loses balance and for a second he thinks he’s going to fall out of bed but DJ is quick on his feet and before the fall DJ steadies him and helps him keep upright.

“Idiot.” DJ mutters and fusses with the duvet for a while.

“I feel strange.”

DJ looks at him, it’s a weird look.

“Your face is weird.”

DJ barks out a laugh.

“And you’re high.”

“You’re high, a lot higher than me. I can never reach you.”

“Do you mean tall?”

“Tall, yes, that’s the word.”

“Okay maybe you should rest some more.”

“You’re pretty.” DJ’s eyebrows shoot upwards.

“Okay definitely more rest, you sure you didn’t hit your head.”

“I think I might have, I have a….” He tries thinking of the right word.

“A concussion.” DJ supplies.

“Is that a head injury?”

“Yeah it is.”

“Well I might have that.” 

“You definitely do, but it’s the morphine talking right now.”

“Morphine can’t talk.” DJ bites back another laugh.

“How do you know that?”

Poe actually thinks about that. 

“I actually don’t know, maybe it can. I should go ask.” He gets ready to leave the bed.

“Woah, easy.” DJ steadies him again. “I think you should stay here, but I’ll ask it on my way out.” DJ helps him settle back in and Poe lets him.

Then Finn walks in.

“Finn!” Poe exclaims happily, the volume in his voice high enough to make Finn stop and look at DJ with a puzzled look.

“It’s the drugs.”

“Ah.” Finn nods. He stands on the other side of DJ and the bed and Poe looks between them.

“You two are friends now?” 

They look at each other and share some sort of look, there is no hostility showing, that much is clear to Poe.

“We bonded over something we have in common.” DJ winks at Finn and Finn snorts.

“Something like that.”

“I’m so happy!” Poe smiles widely, both DJ and Finn having trouble containing their laughter. 

“I like Finn, Finn is here.” Poe says to no one in particular. “You’re pretty too, Finn. So pretty.” DJ laughs at Finn’s reddening cheeks. 

“Thanks Poe.”

“You have nice eyes, did you know?” He babbles on.

“I’m going to leave you to deal with him.” DJ is laughing again. He waves to Poe and before he leaves the room he says;

“Good to have you back Poe, and I’ll check on the morphine on the way out.” he winks and leaves.

“Thank you!”

Finn takes the chair DJ left.

“How are you feeling, Poe?”

“Me? I feel good, everything is great I can’t feel a thing.”

“Good, I’m happy to hear.” Finn chuckles.

“You’re pretty, did you know you’re pretty?.”

“Yes thank you, you’ve mentioned it.”

“Oh? Have I?”

“Yeah.”

“Are we together?”

Finn freezes and gets a conflicted look on his face.

“No we’re not.”

“That doesn’t sound right? Why not? You’re my type.” 

Finn chokes and Poe giggles.

“You make funny sounds.”

“And you’re so high you’re not even going to remember this conversation later.”

“Maybe.”

“No most definitely.”

“Have we kissed?”

“No.” Finn shakes his head.

“Weird, I haven’t tried to kiss you?”

“Nope.”

“That doesn’t sound like me.”

“Maybe you don’t like me.” Finn offers. Poe thinks about that for a while.

“No, I don’t think that’s it.”

“Well we’ve both been very busy with other things.”

“Like what?”

“Like staying alive.”

“Hmm, yeah maybe.” 

“Maybe.” Finn echoes.

Poe doesn’t remember the conversation the next time he wakes up.

XXXX

A few days later Finn is asleep in the chair next to Poe. His head is resting on his hand and his legs are tucked underneath him in a position that Poe’s way too old to ever attempt himself. It doesn’t exactly look comfortable but trying to make Finn leave had been a battle he hadn’t had the energy to argue about. He knows too well what it’s like to watch over a friend, not wanting to leave their side, afraid to miss even the smallest changes. His head is for once clear and it comes as a happy relief. Well, he’s still technically on painkillers but they make everything fuzzy and weird and he constantly feels tired and worn out. They make him feel like he’s losing the most essential parts of who he is. They cloud everything and he can’t seem to connect left to right. He wants to feel lucid for once and not like his brain is muddled with things he can’t make sense of. He just wants to be able to think properly for a while. Finn would argue with him if he knew what Poe was up to but he was out cold so Poe would most likely get away with it. Also they do that now, argue. From time to time. Being like this it brings out Poe’s more impatient side. Finn’s coped well so far. But Poe thinks that if he keeps pushing Finn will eventually snap. The recovery is slow, too slow. And while he understands that he went through a serious operation that requires time to heal, he’s not good with sitting around. He’s weak, and when he lies down on this bed he can feel his spine through the mattress. Keeping down solid food is still a struggle and being awake for more than two hours at a time feels like climbing a mountain each time. It brings out a nasty side in him, being relatively young but feeling like you’re an old man and life slowly slipping through your fingers. 

His thoughts unwantedly wander to Muran. He hasn’t thought about him in so long and he isn’t sure why his brain has chosen this moment to do so. But something has clearly brought it on and he’s powerless to stop now. He wonders if it’s the almost dying thing or just the fact that he’s been rejecting that part of his life for such a long time. Or maybe that he and Finn in a lot of ways remind him a little of what he and Muran used to be like, easy going, banter and bordering on not acting like friends. That was before it all, before it went sideways in so many ways. And then Muran died and it had fucked Poe up. There were so many things in his life that had happened to him that’s just made him so messed up in so many ways. He knows this all, he’s too well aware. His mother dying had possibly been the first fucking step in the down spiral of his life. But he had loved Muran, in so many ways, and he had never acted on it, they had never acted on it except that one drunken night that he did not like to think about. Because it had changed so many things and Poe had never wanted to love someone ever again. And then of course DJ had happened and while it wasn’t love like the way he loved Muran and how he could love Finn… it had been companionship at least. Muran had hated it, Poe knew it and he had gone back to DJ each time, at times just out of spite and at other times because he genuinely liked DJ. But losing Muran had been the last straw, and after him, he had shut himself down to to possibility of loving someone again.

The hurt it had left behind had taken him ages to process. His life had changed forever and for each and every person death took from him he had to fight longer each time to put himself back together again. The effort it took out of him was tiring to the point where he thinks that doing it again is not something he can. Life was so uncertain and yet it went the same every time, people left and then they died and Poe was left to try and live through it. Life is cruel. And right now Finn is sleeping beside him, he could reach out and touch him if he wanted to, and he is someone Poe could love again. Love differently than the other people before, maybe even love better. But then Finn could die tomorrow and Poe would be left once again and this time he wouldn’t be able to live through it. He feels scared by the thought of it. Scared is how he feels most of the time. There’s always something lurking around the corner, ready to snatch something precious from Poe’s life yet again...

XXXX

Poe wakes up to the fucking worst headache he’s ever experienced in his life. He is honestly dying now, everything is spinning and he is going to throw up at any point now. Someone groans beside him. Opening his own eyes is a struggle, every time he tries the world spins a little more.

“Shit.” He knows the voice, it’s Muran’s. “Shit!”

“Shut up man, I’m dying.” He groans out. He finally gets his eyes to open without throwing up, a small victory in this all. He is half naked, the rest of his body is covered underneath the duvet. Muran is the same, he is sitting up with his head in his hands. Okay, so this has happened before, the both of them sleeping in the same bed, shirtless at times as well, even. But Poe has a bad feeling about this, suddenly. He wants to be wrong, but he kind of knows he isn’t.

“Shit.” Muran mutters again, he seems to know what’s happened too. Poe sits up, slowly. The headache has simmered down, the anxiety taking over in full force instead. He scoots back against the headboard and pulls the duvet up to cover himself.

“Okay, it might not be as bad as it seems.” He tries. Muran turns around so quickly that Poe’s surprised he’s not snapped his head off.

“You know this is just as bad as it looks like.” He snaps, Poe flinches at the volume.

“Fuck!” Muran throws the duvet aside and Poe looks away from his clearly very naked body. He gathers his clothes up and starts dressing rapidly. Poe doesn’t know what to say. Because honestly fuck fuck fuck fuck, is all his brain seems to be able to supply, and not in the good way. 

“This is so bad, what was I thinking?” Muran is talking to himself in a low angry tone, he’s stressed, Poe knows. It’s in the pacing and the way he’s biting off his nails, he’s seen it many times before but never directed this forcefully at him.

“Muran-.” But he isn’t actually sure what to say. Muran looks at him for the first time. 

“We’ll never talk about this again, okay. It was a mistake.”

“Yeah, okay if that’s what you want.” Poe tries to keep the strain away from his voice.

“It’s what I want. We were both drunk, we didn’t know what we were doing, okay.” His voice is firm, his gaze piercing and Poe hearts breaks a little because it isn’t what he wants but he can’t disagree, so he nods.

“Yeah okay, a mistake. Sure.”

“And it will never happen again.”

“Of course not.”

Muran looks at him for a long time, searching for something. Eventually he nods, puts on the jumper and walks out the room without looking back.

Poe falls back down on the bed. Shit.

What a fuckup. And this isn’t what he wanted. He and Muran have been tiptoeing around each other for months, they’re friends, best friends even. But Poe’s wondered for so long if there’s something else between them, but he’s never acted on it. And yesterday, well they were both drunk off their asses but Poe remembers enough about it to know that what happened wasn’t unappreciated by Muran. But if anything this clearly shows that Muran doesn’t like him in that way, not at all.

Fuck. How does he move on from this? What does he do now?

Fuck indeed.

XXXX

The incident plays in Poe’s head. He hasn’t thought about that in so long, been too embarrassed about it to even want to process it. He had been so ashamed after that, he couldn’t really look at Muran after. And Muran had stayed true to his promise and acted like nothing had happened. Poe had tried to, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t like that but he tried to honour Muran’s words the only way he knew how, which was to distance himself from him. The rejection had stung too much, way too much. But they had never spoken about it afterwards, and things went back to sort of the same after a while. They were still friends but Poe had kept his distance and then met DJ and Muran had been angry and it hadn’t been great. And then he had died and it was all pretty much shit.

He’s brought back suddenly, away from his thoughts, by Leia entering the room. Poe sits up straighter, slowly, so he doesn’t jostle his injury. He’s happy with the distraction even if he’s expecting to be on the receiving end of some well placed anger. He hasn’t seen Leia in a while, being cooped up here and her being busy with running the whole lot of the Resistance he isn’t surprised it’s taken her this long to come see him. She looks at Finn when she enters, he’s still asleep in that uncomfortable position, and judging by Leia’s face, she’s thinking the same. She takes a seat on the other side of the bed.

“Shouldn’t you be asleep?.” She says as a greeting.

“I could say the same to you, no?”

“I’m not the one who almost died.”

“Yes, yes.” 

“How are you feeling?”

Poe shrugs, that’s the million dollar question, isn’t it. 

“Alright, I guess.”

“Dr Kalonia says you’ll be out of here soon, everything seems to be healing up well.”

“Yeah, it seems so.”

“I was worried you wouldn't pull through Poe, it was so close. You’ve done a lot of foolish things under my watch but this takes the prize of them all. I wasn’t sure if this would be the last.” There’s a vulnerability to her Poe’s never seen before, she’s usually very strong, puts up a front and doesn’t show this many emotions. But this is new and unexpected. He reaches for her hand and squeezes, it’s the only thing he can think of that will make it feel better.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

He’s repeating himself these days. And to the courtesy of what everyone seems to think, what he did wasn’t self destructive. He didn’t actually want to die. Dr. Kalonia had suggested talking to a therapist and Poe had grumpily declined. This act of stupidity hadn’t been brought out by the need to die. No. He hadn’t had time to think about what he had done, his body had acted on autopilot and even Poe knew that many people here would have done the same thing for someone they loved… So the looks he hated and Finn’s hovering was cute but also tiring. He wished he could just make them understand...

“I know, but it happened nonetheless.” Leia interrupts his thoughts. “I haven’t felt this kind of fear since B-Ben…” She cuts herself off.

“Since Ben, I know. And I’m sorry.” Leia smiles, but there’s something tight around it, something not quite right. Poe’s not sure what it is.

“Yes, since Ben’s death.”

“That wasn’t your fault. And I’m not Ben.”

“I know you’re not, that’s a good thing.” She strokes his palm.

“He was a good person though, Ben. You were a good mother.” 

Leia silently wipes a tear away. It’s a strange reversal of roles, this, Poe being the one to comfort and give advice. It’s not a role he normally takes. He doesn’t have much practice in it, but she seems to need at the moment. And she’s done so much for him, if he can do something, even the smallest of things for her, he will.

“Thank you.”

“Any time.”

“How’s Finn?” She eyes him. Poe shrugs.

“I tried making him leave and go to bed, he wouldn’t listen.”

“Ah, stubborn, I know a thing or two about those.”

Poe rolls his eyes.

“Whatever, I’m not that bad.”

Leia snorts.

“Absolutely not, of course, what was I thinking?”

“Of someone else probably. Maybe you’re getting forgetful in your old age.”

“Since you almost died I’ll allow that joke at my expense.” 

Poe snorts.

“But only this once.”

“Yes yes General.” 

They go back and forth like that, Leia seems to need it, and Poe likes the distraction. There’s many sides to Leia, but this is one Poe very rarely sees. After a while she leaves and Poe falls asleep. 

He doesn’t dream. 

XXXX

He stays in the med bay a little over a week before he’s released. He gets visits from Snap and Jess, Leia comes in once after her nightly visit the other day. Finn is constantly at his side, he only leaves for showers and food occasionally. Mostly because Rey comes in and forces him to. She has a death glare that Finn is not immune to. Poe thinks it’s slightly terrifying. BB-8 comes along a few times as well, at times alone, just to chatter and beep at Finn and sometimes with Rose and Rey. The concussion has passed and the bruising gone down. But Poe does feel really awkward walking, his joints sore from being in bed for so long and unused to the movement. He also limps a little. Then there’s the muscle loss and weight loss to be worried about, he’s skinny, too skinny. Dr. Kalonia had reassured him that with an injury that size this was normal. The body is stronger than it looks, even when it doesn’t feel like it is. The best way to get it back to fully functional again was to walk and to use it, something like that she had said while Poe was struggling to pull a T-shirt over his head. His trousers were hanging low on his hips, and with each movement he’s becoming aware that he suddenly needs a belt. He had signed up for physical therapy as well, it was the only form of therapy he would agree on. But the injury is healing nicely, Dr. Kalonia had insisted. There are small things to be happy about, he guesses. It’s all such slow work though. 

It will leave a scar but apart from that it shouldn’t trouble him too badly after. He really was lucky the blaster shot missed his internal organs, he’s well aware it could have ended a lot worse. The pain will slowly disappear too, with each day it should be getting better. But comparing the pain now to a week ago Poe feels like this is nothing. He had eyed the painkillers in dismay when Dr. Kalonia had thrust them into Finn’s hands and told him to make sure he gets two of those in him for at least another week. All in all, he got lucky, he keeps hearing and that he should be happy that he’s only limping a little. And he doesn’t mean to be ungrateful, he really doesn’t, but honestly he’s not a fan of being awkward on his feet and feeling the need to rely on others to do the simplest of things. 

Poe’s never really considered himself old. Calling himself that has been a running joke for as long as he can remember, and he always takes it with good humour. But now? When he’s limping down the corridors, sweating and with a pulse that’s way too high for a man his age he can’t help but actually feel old. He doesn’t like it one bit. He’s never been hurt this bad before but he doesn’t exactly have a great track record of dealing with injuries. And at the age of 33, his body will take longer to heal than before. But he’s always been known to bounce back quickly after injuries. Mostly due to sheer stubbornness. He remembers when he was 6 and fell down a tree and broke his arm. He’d been so sad that he couldn’t climb with the other kids. He’d felt left out, and three days after the fall he figured out a way to climb with the cast on and it was fine after that. Now he feels a little like he is dying. Like his body is giving up. But he refuses to stop and rest before he’s reached his room. That would be too embarrassing. 

“Poe, please rest, you’re going to exhaust yourself at this rate.” Finn says hovering at his side. Poe swats at him, annoyance creeping into his voice.

“I’m fine, Finn.”

“I know you’re fine but I also don’t want you to faint your first day out of the med bay.”

“I’m not going to faint.” Finn gives him a pointed look. “I’m not.”

“Are you going to tell me what’s really bothering you instead then?” 

Poe ignores him. He finally reaches his room and pushes the door open. He takes three slow steps and when he reaches the bed he slowly sits down, and then even slower lies back down to die in peace.

“Fine, be a stubborn idiot then.” Finn says annoyed. Poe makes a grumbling sound from the bed and ignores him. 

He and Finn are fine. They are, but something still feels a little off and Poe can’t figure out what it is. Finn is acting weird. Weirder than usual to the point where even Rey picked up on it and gave Poe a pointed look the other day. As a response, Poe had shrugged. He had no clue. He really didn’t. He’s been in bed for the past week, how was he supposed to know what was going on with Finn? Finn was shifting between being overly caring to being distant and annoyed and Poe didn’t know what had brought it on. He remembers most of what had happened on Sareg and maybe it was a little too much for Finn who is only just now realising it. Poe isn’t sure what it is, but he doesn’t want to ask. If something is bothering Finn he should be the one to tell Poe and not the other way around. So from now on they’re obviously fine.

Finn walks into the bathroom and closes the door. 

“Ugh.” He says to himself. BB-8 powered off in the corner wakes up and beeps.

“I’m not!”

“Stop being cheeky, you don’t sleep you’re a droid.” Poe says

“Yes BB-8 I know the drill, you conserve your energy and you seem to need that because right now you’re working on 30% and that isn’t helping me.”

BB-8 beeps again and Poe frowns.

“Why? I am talking with him?” Poe looks at the droid. If droids could have facial expressions BB-8 would have the perfect version of You serious?

Getting sassed by his droid after spending a week in bed after almost dying is not something he wants to deal with at the moment. He throws a pillow at BB-8 who easily dodges it.

“Why is there a pillow on the floor?” Finn steps out of the bathroom.

“BB-8 is being a nuisance.”

BB-8 beeps indignantly.

“I’m just going to assume that it just said that you’re the nuisance?”

“Yep.” Finn laughs. 

Poe closes his eyes again, the sounds of Finn moving around becoming a distant sound. He can feel the bed dip as Finn sits down beside him.

“Are you tired?

He mutters only as a reply.

“I don’t speak that language, please speak common tongue and maybe I’ll understand.”

Poe chuckles.

“Yeah I suppose I am, how early is it?”

“Late enough for bed.”

“Are you telling me that just to be nice?”

Finn smiles cryptically.

“You nearly died, I think you have an excuse to sleep whenever you want.”

“True.” He closes his eyes again. 

“But also if you are going to sleep would you consider sleeping normally and not half way across the bed.”

“Fine.” He huffs, but he scoots further up the bed and kicks off his shoes and socks in the process. He leaves the rest of the clothes on, the temperature in the room a little cooler than what he’d like. He settles down with his back turned away from Finn. The walk must have tired him out because as soon as he hits the pillow he’s out.

XXXX

He doesn’t know what woke him up. He thinks it might be from a bad dream. He’s not had them for a while and it’s almost made him forget what they were like. Nearly dying must have exhausted him beyond his understanding so even his brain can’t even conjure up any of those these days. It’s like the last weeks fried something in his head and connecting thoughts and night terrors have at the moment been scared away. But he realises now that he doesn’t feel like he normally does after screaming himself awake, that feeling he still kind of remembers. He closes his eyes again ready to go back to sleep and brush this off as nothing, when he hears a noise from his other side. He turns around as quickly as he can and comes face to face with Finn. His face is scrunched up and his breathing is uneven. He’s curled protectively around himself and suddenly he lets out a cry. Poe doesn’t hesitate to jump into action, the sound vibrating unsettling down his spine. He reaches out for Finn carefully.

“Finn.” He says. “Hey Finn. You’re alright.”

He shakes him a little to get him to wake up and it takes him a few tries until suddenly Finn flinches awake. His eyes are wide and frantic and Poe wonders if Finn knows he’s awake.

“Finn?” He says softly. Finn’s eyes find his.

“Poe?” He asks uncertainly.

“Yeah, buddy, it’s me. It was just a dream.”

“A dream?” He echoes.

“Yeah, we’re on Naboo.”

“You’re not dead?”

Poe’s heart clenches at hearing those words.

“No Finn, I’m alive.” He reaches out with his hand and it finds Finn’s. He squeezes and Finn does it back. 

“Good, I dreamt you died.” Finn whispers.

“No I’m here. Go back to sleep Finn.” he softly whispers back.

Finn nods but he doesn’t let go of Poe’s hand. Finn scoots back and lies down on his side so his body is angled towards Poe, but still keeping a little bit of a distance between them. To Poe’s surprise Finn does actually fall asleep fairly quickly after it. Poe tries to as well but now that he’s awake he can’t. It’s the first time since waking up that he struggles with it. He can’t fully find that calm and the place where his brain isn’t whirring and working itself crazy. So he feels fully awake now... He strokes Finn’s hair while he sleeps on and tries to listens to his heartbeat to find some sort of peace himself. He really hopes that Finn won’t have any more bad dreams because Poe knows all too well what nightmares can do to you. He doesn’t want Finn to have to go through it...

Loving someone normally can be difficult, but loving someone in a war feels like it’s so much harder. The threats that surround them constantly seem so much more real right now. Lying like this with Finn, close but still not close enough makes everything seem fragile. Like it can break any moment. Being in the midst of a war makes it seem like you constantly live on borrowed time, anyone can die at any given moment and everything is uncertain to the point of of constant worry. And right now Poe feels like he is running out of time. He wants to hold onto to Finn, so tightly and then never let him go. It’s so easy to lose yourself, lose your sanity and just give up. He wants to give up at times too even though he knows that’s not an option. He just wants to find a balance between not feeling so hopeless and useless and know that what he does makes an actual difference. That fighting each and every day helps people around in the galaxy so that they can live a better life. That’s all he wants...

He wakes the next morning to an empty bed and it actually surprises him a little. He associates this room with Finn. And Finn not being in here with him is odd, he’s so used to waking up with Finn by his side. He groans and stretches out, carefully, to avoid jostling the wound. It’s been patched up a lot better since Sareg and Dr. Kalonia had told him to come back in a few days time so she could make sure it was all healing up the way she had predicted. And once again he’s stuck with nothing to do and a body with limited movement and on top of it all Leia had benched him, maybe indefinitely. It had something to do with setting a bad example and how to not act when one was a Commander. “Commanders take responsibility for their actions Poe” she had said sternly and Poe had to refrain very hard from rolling his eyes.

He’s used to being a positive person though. Yes he can be dramatic and stubborn but generally he’s often in a good mood. He’s very rarely in a foul mood like he is right now. He wants to punch something, do something active. Maybe even flying. But to go about punching walls would be be counterproductive since he can’t fucking move. 

He groans, annoyed, and gets out of bed. BB-8 powers on and Poe’s a little surprised it’s here. He says as much.

“I’m surprised to see you here buddy.”

BB-8 beeps questionably.

“I thought you would be with Rose and Rey or DJ.”

“Aaww buddy, you sweet talking me now?” Poe laughs. He walks into the bathroom to begin a morning routine he hasn’t had in ages. He tries to fix his hair a little. And he shaves because he looks a little like a homeless person with the beard he is sporting at the moment. He washes his face and his teeth and walks back into the main room. There he finds some clothes to put on but decides after some time to leave his jacket behind. He doesn’t need it to feel better about himself and seeing people. He’s alone now and he’s going to have to leave the comfort of these walls and face the world. So, the jacket can stay, he’s better, he can cope a little while without having to have to wear it as a layer of comfort for the world. He leaves with BB-8 listening to his droid talk aimlessly. It really can talk that thing. But it relaxes him slightly, so he lets it be.

He finds Rey shortly after some awkward hobbling. 

“Hey Poe.” She opens her closed eyes. She’s sitting in the middle of the path and Poe thinks it to be a strange place for meditation. People who pass her must have to constantly disturb her, walk into her and try and stay for a chat with her.

Okay, when he thinks about it in those terms then maybe that’s the point of the exercise?

“Hey Rey.” He sits down, his legs unstable and weak still. It’s frustrating. Rey looks him over but doesn’t say anything and Poe as always is grateful for her tactfulness. 

“Have you seen Finn?” Rey hands him a bottle of water she has laying beside her. He takes a sip.

“No, not since this morning. He looked kind of distressed the last I saw of him.”

Poe frowns. He had hoped Finn wouldn’t remember the dream he had but he must have. Rey looks a little sad too.

“You feeling okay?”

Poe shrugs. “I’m not a big fan of the limited movement but apart from that I guess I am.”

“Good.”

“So, you and Rose huh?” Rey tries very hard to hide her blush, Poe is delighted by it.

“Shut up.” She swats at him and Poe laughs.

“No but seriously I’m happy for you.” Rey smiles her sunshine smile that Poe’s taken to calling it.

“Thank you.”

“But since I’ve gotten to know Rose a bit more I must say, if you hurt her I will take her side and we will become known as the baddest duo in the galaxy so I wouldn’t think about doing something like that.” He keeps his tone light, but makes sure to let Rey know that he is serious. He’s got Rose back now, and he knows that if there would be a falling out between Rose and Rey, Finn would end up taking Rey’s side, so rightfully Poe has to take Rose’s. Not that he thinks it will happen, but if it would then it would probably be known as the pettiest fight the galaxy has ever seen.

Rey’s eyebrows shoot upwards, like she wasn’t expecting it. Poe hadn’t exactly planned on saying anything either but it had kind of just happened. And it doesn’t mean that he’s not serious about them either.

Rey smirks.

“Duly noted. But just so you know, you hurt Finn and I will actually murder you with my lightsaber.”

Poe barks out a laugh. Yep, he’d never live that one down. 

“Deal.” Rey takes his outstretched hand and shakes it. They both laugh after that. BB-8 beeps at Rey.

“Buddy, you keep saying shit like that and I’m giving you up for adoption, you’re a traitor.” Rey laughs as BB-8 gives her its thumbs up. Poe rolls his eyes. That droid doesn’t love him at all, always taking other people’s sides and sassing him. He should really put it up for adoption so he can get some peace.

“Oh, hi Poe.” Rose says happily as she joins them out of nowhere. Poe smiles back at her. Rose ruffles Rey’s hair as she sits down and Rey swats at her as well. It’s endearing Poe thinks, it all looks very easy for them. Rose sticks her tongue out and Rey pouts, it makes Rose laugh and she leans forward to pecks Rey right on the lips, loud and obnoxious. 

“Better?” Rey blushes but nods. It’s funny, Rey is usually stoic and cool. But with Rose around she seems to lose it completely. Love it changes people. Even Rey isn’t immune to it, and she’s a badass jedi. Poe feels a little like he’s imposing on a private moment though. He envies them both for how easy they make it look and how relaxed they are around each other. He can’t help it, but he just sometimes wishes it would come that easy to him too. But he doesn’t want to be resentful either, there’s no point in that. They both deserve this, to be happy and together. 

“Have you seen Finn?” He asks instead.

“Yeah, I saw him heading towards the training facility a while ago.”

“Oh, okay, thanks I will go find him then.”

Both Rose and Rey smiles.

“You do that.” Rose says. Poe slowly gets up, it’s not the easiest, but he manages somehow. BB-8 follows him.

“This place never ends, there is a training facility?” He asks BB-8.

“Well do you see me working out, ever?”

“Oh shut up, I used to when I was younger now I’m too old.”

They continue back and forth all the way, BB-8 leading the way to a room he’s passed but never thought about entering.

“This place, huh?” He mutters to himself. BB-8 leaves him there, saying that he should talk to Finn alone and rolls away beeping cheerfully. Poe rolls his eyes fondly and pushes the door open. Inside there is actually a training facility. It’s empty apart from Finn who seems to have it out for a boxing bag. He’s sweaty and panting and with each hit he’s letting out a grunt. Finn is strong, very strong and if Poe didn’t know before, then the way his muscles are straining with each punch in this moment are proof enough. Poe stands frozen, finding it very hard to tear his eyes away. Finn hasn’t noticed him yet. But when Finn takes a break to drink from the water he’s brought with him, Poe is snapped out of his thoughts. He wobbles awkwardly forward.

“Hi buddy.” His voice echoes in the empty space, bouncing off the walls.

Finn’s eyes find him and he smiles when he’s sees who it is.

“Poe.” Poe notes the smile doesn’t fully reach his eyes, not like it normally does and Poe feels slightly alarmed by this. He’s used to being the one that needs picking up and looked after. It’s something he’s a little unwillingly gotten used to. And Finn’s always been there for him, in any way he can. Always helping him and supporting and just talking. But Poe’s been so caught up in his own head, like he usually is there days, that he hasn’t noticed that Finn has been struggling as well. Fuck. He’s truly a good friend...

He walks slowly up to where Finn is, Finn’s eyes trailing him all the while. Up close Poe notes that Finn’s hands are shaking slightly. He takes one of Finn’s bandaged hands in his and starts unwrapping it. 

“Let’s sit down.” He guides Finn down on the ground, a little slow and awkward on his feet, and takes the other hand in his as well, giving it the same attention and care. He tries to be gentle but Finn’s hands shake even more now that they’re free. Poe feels sad.

“You left early this morning.” He says. Finn isn’t fully looking at him, his eyes looking at something just by Poe’s right ear. He knows the trick well. He might even have invented this trick.

“I’m a light sleeper and you looked like you needed the rest.” Finn says. Poe nods, it might not fully be a lie but he still thinks something is bothering Finn. It’s not like Finn to leave Poe’s side anyway. It’s not what they do, not normally.

“Okay, I missed you this morning.” Finn still isn’t looking at him. Poe sighs and slowly, so Finn can move away, lifts his hand up to Finn’s cheek. He turns his head towards himself. He wants Finn’s full attention for this.

“What’s wrong, Finn?”

He shrugs. “Nothing.”

Poe smiles kindly. “Buddy, I know you well enough by now to know you’re lying. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. But I want you to know that if you need to I’m here for you.” He doesn’t want to push Finn, so he leaves it up to him, like Finn’s done so many times for him. Finn is silent for a while and Poe lets him be. He continues stroking Finn’s hand though and tries to offer some comfort through the action.

“I didn’t understand why you were so angry with me on the Falcon.” he begins. Poe thinks back to it. The Falcon feels like a lifetime ago, it was what? Maybe 3 weeks ago. Poe remembers the conversation they had, very clearly. 

“But you were, because I had been stupid and not listened and almost died. And it didn’t register, not really. Not until it almost happened to you and I actually understood what you meant.” Poe smiles sadly. He’s not happy Finn is upset by this, it wasn’t really his intention to hurt him again. 

“And I’m angry, Poe. So angry at you for doing this. What if you had died?”

“Better me than you.”

“No! You don’t get to say that, you don’t get to decide that.”

“What I do is not up to you, Finn.” He doesn’t like that he’s said it, but the moment demands him to be honest about it. Poe looks sadly at Finn, he doesn’t like it when he has to be honest to the point of making Finn sad.

“Why? So this only applies to you then, and not to me? You get to sacrifice yourself for me and the people you love but I can’t do the same?”

“No, I can’t decide what you do either.” 

“And yet…?”

“I wish I could, but I can’t really. That would be hypocritical of me. But I wish I could take you away from this war so that you didn’t have to die here, because this fucking sucks everything that is good out of this world. But it wouldn’t be right. I can’t take that choice away from you, not me. I’ve done enough damage in this world and to you already to rob you of your own choices. And I can’t promise you that I won’t try and sacrifice myself for you and you can’t promise me that you won’t do the same for the people you love.”

Finn looks thoughtful. “So we’re at a standstill then?”

“It seems so.”

“I’m sorry though, for scaring you and for almost dying. But I didn’t. I’m still here, alive and mostly well. And I promise you I didn’t want to die on Sareg, I wanted to live. That’s the truth and I hope that you believe that.” Finn looks at him for a long time, maybe searching for something.

“Okay, I believe that.” Poe squeezes his hand thankfully.

“And Finn, if you dwell on all of this too much, if you let it take over each moment you’re awake you are going to end up on a road I know way too much about being on. And it’s not a pretty one.”

“The roles are reversed now. It’s strange, you giving me advice.” Finn smiles a little.

“I’m more than just a pretty face.” Poe jokes.

“It seems so.” Finn chuckles. 

“Are you going to take your own advice, Poe? Are you going to stop blaming yourself?”

He shrugs. “Maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“Maybe.” He says cryptically. Finn rolls his eyes fondly. They sit in silence after that. It’s comfortable again.

“Did I ever tell you why I joined the Resistance?” Poe asks Finn suddenly.

“No, you didn’t.”

“I lost someone.”

“Oh.” Finn grips his hand, Poe squeezes it back.

“It’s okay, it was a long time ago. His name was Muran, he was a pilot too. You would have liked him.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, he was kind, funny, and he was the kind of person that you just immediately liked. We were good... friends.”He settles on. Maybe, just maybe one day he will tell Finn the full story about Muran.

“How did he die?”

“The First Order killed him. We received a distress signal from the Mirrin Sector, The First Order was attacking a ship. We engaged and Muran, well, he didn’t make it out…”

“I’m sorry.” Finn says softly.

“Yeah...The New Republic refused to do anything about it. It didn’t sit well with me. Innocent people dying and no one caring about them. So I couldn’t sit idly by like that. I quit the academy and joined the Resistance shortly after. I wanted to fight the good fight, but mostly I wanted to save people.”

“I know.”

“You do?”

“I know you. You care about people. It’s one of my favourite qualities you have. Your ability to care about so many people and keep on fighting every day.”

Poe smiles, and blushes. But only a little.

“I’ve felt for a long time now that I’ve done more damage than good. I set out to save people, that was always the goal. But so many have died in the meantime that I forget sometimes why I fight, why I do this.” He confesses. Finn looks thoughtful for a while.

“We can’t save them all… it’s not right, but we just can’t. But you can’t lose focus on the bigger picture, the ones we do save it’s important. That’s what matters in the end. It matters.”

“It has to.”

“It does. You saved me, Poe.”

“I think you actually saved me.” His lip quirks.

“No, you saved me. I got you out but you saved me. I was lost, you gave me everything that matters.” Finn smiles, Poe blushes again. This time he can’t hide it.

“Finn I-” he cuts himself off, shakes his head. Pulls back, it’s not the right time. “You look tired, maybe you should try and sleep?” It’s not what he was going to say, but he doesn’t know how to say the other thing.

Finn recovers quickly, but Poe doesn’t miss the look of disappointment that passes over his face.

“It feels very odd that you’re the one telling me to sleep.” Finn says.

“It is, isn’t it.” He chuckles, Finn’s lip quirks.

“Yeah okay. Maybe I’ll try then.” Finn helps Poe to stand and then they make their way back to their room, slowly of course. Poe’s taken to calling it ‘their’ room now. It belongs to them both. Once back Finn takes a shower while Poe redresses his wound. It’s really going to leave an ugly scar. A constant reminder imprinted on his body. Finn dresses in soft clothes and crawls into bed shortly after and Poe follows him. Finn, just like the other day, falls asleep again. Poe’s a little impressed with his ability to do it because it doesn’t take long for Finn to be out cold, snoring softly and features soft and young on his face. Maybe he was more tired than Poe originally thought. When he thinks about it, Finn’s always had this ability to fall asleep that Poe’s never possessed, not even before he joined the Resistance. He’s never had sleeping problems as bad as they had been just another week ago but it’s always taken him a long time to relax enough to settle. Poe kind of admires Finn’s skill to sleep but also wonders if it’s a remnant from The First Order’s military training of stormtroopers that left its traces. His hand is resting on Poe’s thigh and Poe strokes his hair with one hand while holding the halopad in the other. He’s neglected it for so long that he has weeks worth of catching up to do. He reads through the reports of missions he’s missed. He even reads Rey’s, Rose’s and lastly Finn’s report from Sareg, learning about the events that happened after he passed out. After he’s done he writes up his own and sends it off. He hasn’t done any official paperwork in months. It’s slow work with only being able to use one hand but he manages to get it down. He is still a Commander somehow and Leia should be impressed with his dedication to setting an example and taking responsibility, things he’s normally not very good at.

XXXX

Someone has decided to throw a party. Poe isn’t sure whose idea it actually was but Rose makes a compelling argument about why they need to celebrate their success and that they are in fact still alive. And Leia’s missions have been going surprisingly well, slow but well. Some more people have even joined the Resistance while he’s been out. And that does make him happy. So the whole base has gotten a makeover and are now sporting funky decorations. Poe’s not surprised to hear that DJ is in charge of the alcohol. It’s well into the evening and the music is loud in Poe’s ears as he sits sipping his drink. People are dancing and singing and most notable, smiling. They all seem very happy. Almost relieved that they get to have some sort of break to celebrate success and life. Even Leia seems to agree that celebrating life is something worth throwing a party over.

Poe wishes he could have alcohol, it’s been a while since he’s been drunk. But he’s being responsible or something so he keeps to the non alcoholic beverages. He’s regretting that choice already. 

Finn is engaged in some sort of weird dance party with Chewie and Konix and it brings a smile to Poe’s face. He’s smiling and he looks extremely goofy as he jumps up and down and swings his arms around like a mad man. Things have been better between them after their conversation and Finn seems lighter again and Poe is relieved by it. Rose and Rey are slow dancing lost in their own world to the upbeat music. It’s weird but kind of cute how they seem to have forgotten where they are. They are both smiling as well and they look so happy. Poe feels like he is intruding on a private moment and he looks away. DJ is chatting some woman up and winks at Poe, and Poe rolls his eyes, but does give him a thumbs up. He’s honestly a little surprised that he’s still sticking around, he thought he would’ve taken off by now. Apparently he seems happy right here, with a glass in his hand, leaning back against the wall and a smirk that says he’s enjoying the attention. Everywhere he looks he sees people dancing, or singing, or making out. Everyone is talking, and Poe suddenly feels very alone and sad... It’s suffocating him.

He can’t stay another minute, and he hurries outside leaving his glass behind. He realises he is jealous of all of them, of how they all just seem to be able to let go and have some fun. He doesn’t know how to wind down anymore. His brain is always working on overdrive. He has moments where it’s quiet inside his head, they come more often these days. But when it happens he feels guilty. He doesn’t deserve the break. That means the people he killed are slowly getting forgotten and that’s not alright, how can he deserve a break when he’s so guilty in deciding so many people’s fates? He’s out of breath when he gets outside. Being on the verge of panic and with his stupid injury not doing him any favours at the moment. The air outside is cool and it’s thankfully silent. It relaxes him instantly, in the absence of people and their talking, the headache slowly simmers down.

Today, Poe really feels old. It’s becoming a common theme, he realises. But the idea of being a prisoner in your own body, trapped in your mind, unable to rely on things that used to make sense. Poe is far from there, his father isn’t even that age. But the thought of living a lonely life full with regrets scares him. He doesn’t want to get old and only have his mistakes to tend and prod at. He wants to grow old with someone, but mostly he wants to grow old and feel proud of the life he’s lead. He’s not sure if that will ever be an option. 

And he wants this war to be over most of all.

He knows who it is that’s following him before the person has sat down beside him.

“Hey, you okay?” He’s not surprised to hear Finn’s worried voice.

“Yeah, it all just got a little loud for me.”

“I never knew music could be this loud, I’ve never been to a party.”

“No?”

Finn shakes his head.

“Do you like it?”

“Yeah, but I would like it better if you were there.”

“I’m not much good like this. Can’t really dance, and mixing alcohol with the painkillers I’m still on is not a good idea.”

Finn’s whole face suddenly lights up. He stands up and gives Poe his hand. Poe looks questionable at him but takes his hand without thinking too much of it. It’s second nature to him these days. Finn hauls him to his feet, carefully, but he doesn’t let go of Poe like he is expecting him to.

“Dance with me?” Finn asks a little shyly. Poe isn’t expecting the question but he nods anyway because he’s incapable of saying no to Finn.

“Okay. Do you know how to?”

“Nope, but I think I can figure it out.” Finn steps closer and puts his hand on Poe’s waist. Poe puts his other hand on Finn’s shoulder.

He takes Finn’s other hand and that gets them even closer to each other. Finn takes most of Poe’s weight as he slowly and very carefully starts moving them around. Poe lets him lead.

“This doesn’t seem very hard.” Finn says.

“No, you’re doing great buddy.”

“You okay?” Poe knows Finn is referring to his injury.

“I feel old.” He finds himself confessing. Finn looks a little confused.

“You’re not old, Poe.”

“I know, but I feel old and tired. It’s the kind of tired that sleep doesn’t really help with. I’m tired of this war and of people dying and of being alone. Just constantly exhausted.” the words spill out of his mouth.

“You’re not alone, you got BB-8 and Leia, and Rey and Rose. And your dad and me of course.”

Poe closes his eyes. He’s not sure if Finn understands him, if he even can.

“Yeah I know, but that’s not what I meant.”

“What do you mean?” Finn asks and Poe feels caught. But in a split second he makes the decision to talk, to confess what’s on his mind. He doesn’t know where the courage comes from, but the words come spilling out of him.

“I mean, I know they are all my friends and I’m thankful for that. But I want someone to grow old with, someone to spend my life with.” He looks Finn in the eyes and Finn’s staring back down at him not looking away. Finn takes a step back suddenly and Poe lets him go. He searches through his pockets for a while before he finds what he’s looking for. He holds his hand out.

“I thought you might want it back.” Finn holds his mother’s ring out for him. Oh, Poe thinks, he completely forgot that he gave it to Finn. He hasn’t thought about the ring at all.

“No, I gave it to you, it’s yours.” He says and rests his hand on top of Finn’s and curls his fingers around Finn’s. He means that, it was a gift for Finn to keep even though Finn would never return the favour or maybe understand the gesture. All of that doesn’t matter anyway, it belongs to Finn now. Finn looks thoughtful for a moment but he nods. Poe makes a decision and takes it off Finn for a moment. He brings the ring out, still attached to the chain Poe’s worn for years. He looks at Finn and slowly reaches forward. Finn seems to understand and bends forward, Poe’s thankful for the silent communication they both seem to understand, and he puts it around Finn’s neck. Poe lets out a breath, the ring looks like it always belonged there. He rests his hand for a moment over Finn’s heart, clutching the ring there and smiles. Finn looks at him for a long time, searching, and then he grabs for Poe again and their slow dancing continues. 

“I thought you were going to die, Poe.”

“I’m sorry.” It’s an echo of the conversation they’ve already had but he guesses it’s still bothering Finn. There’s always going to be a lot for Finn to process.

Finn looks fond before he says.

“Please let me finish.”

Poe shuts his mouth and obeys.

“The thought of living in this world without you, Poe, it scared me. I know we’ve talked about this already but I need to get this off my chest, now. So, it scared me more than anything. I’ve been scared a few times in my life, but the thought of you dying in my arms, nothing has ever made me feel more helpless than that. And I know that we are in a war and that people die, but I couldn’t understand why the thought of losing you scared me so much more than any of the other things that I’ve encountered. When you were in a coma I had time to think. A lot. And I’ve thought about it after you woke up too. And I don’t want us to dance around the subject anymore.”

Poe chuckles at Finn’s choice of words and Finn’s mouth quirk upwards as well.

“Okay, maybe not the best choice of words right now.”

“Maybe not.” Poe agrees. 

“I still need to know.” Finn says. The air changes again and Poe looks Finn in the eye.

“Know what?” He whispers. Finn tightens his grip around Poe’s waist, forcing him even closer. Finn’s eyes flicker down to Poe’s lips and then back up to his eyes, a question in them. And Poe’s heart is beating so fucking quick he’s sure Finn can hear it. 

“Finn.” He breathes his name, Finn tilts his head slightly to the side, their noses touching.

“Yeah.” Finn whispers. 

This is it. This is what he’s wanted for so long, and Finn is so close right now that he’s literally daring Poe to do what he’s wanted to do for months. It’s too much for him and all his self control goes out the window. He finds some courage within himself and, he leans in the last inches and then their mouths touch.

It feels like coming home.

They are suddenly kissing. It starts off slow. Finn’s lips are so soft under Poe’s and he could cry, because it’s finally happening. It’s probably one of the sweetest kisses Poe’s ever had but it doesn’t take long for Finn to deepen it. He licks at Poe’s lips, asking for entrance and Poe happily obliges. Finn licks into his mouth and Poe lets out a sudden moan. His hands go around Finn’s neck and he stands on his tiptoes to get a better angle. Finn’s hands sneak around his waist pulling him even closer. When Poe can’t breathe anymore, he stops kissing Finn, but he refuses to take a step back. He leans his forehead against Finn’s and Finn has the biggest smile he’s ever seen on his face. It’s all a little too much right now, but not in a bad way. Poe feels a little dizzy and unsteady on his feet. He’s grateful for Finn’s arms around him and Finn’s ability to look steady right now. Poe’s definitely not.

“I’ve waited a long time to do this.” Finn confesses.

And Poe feels the same but he can’t help the doubt he suddenly feels about this whole thing creeping its way up his spine. He doesn’t want it to ruin this moment but he can’t stand still anymore and he tries to take a step back and away from Finn. Finn doesn’t let him.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He asks gently. Poe doesn’t know how to tell Finn.

“I’m not-, it’s complicated Finn. I’m not who I used to be. I’m not shiny and good anymore. You deserve better than this.”

Finn looks at him with sadness then and Poe doesn’t like that look. Finn brings Poe’s hand to his lips, his breath ghosting over his fingers, his knuckles. He presses a kiss to his palm, lingering on the skin. It’s so soft Poe thinks and he doesn’t know what to do with it, what’s he done to deserve this tenderness.

“What makes you say that?” Finn asks gently. His eyes are bright.

“It’s the truth.” Poe looks down. Finn cups his cheek, forcing him to meet his eyes.

“I decide that I want you, Poe Dameron, for all your broken parts, I want the whole thing, the good and the bad. You said it yourself, I get to make my own choices now. So I decide that I want you. I know best what I deserve. I want you, only you.”

Poe doesn’t know what to say to that but Finn makes a compelling argument.

“Okay.” He smiles, can’t quite help it. The doubt is still there, lingering in the back of his mind but maybe in this moment, it shouldn’t be allowed to control him. He tries to push it away and really believe in Finn’s words. He can decide for himself what he wants and if he wants to be here then that has to be okay. It’s not up to Poe to make the decisions for him. Finn’s seen him at his lowest, if he sees something there that makes him want to stay then maybe, just maybe Poe can believe that there’s something about him that deserves love.

“Okay.” Finn echoes. They stand there for a while. Resting their foreheads together and breathing the same air.

“Can I kiss you again?” Finn asks after a while. Poe smiles again, it’s so sweet.

“Yeah you can.”

Finn smiles too and leans in. This kiss remains gentle and sweet and it’s possible the best kiss he’s ever had in his life.

“This feels special. I think I understand now, this how kissing is supposed to feel.” Finn says and strokes Poe’s cheek. Poe smiles again, the biggest and most genuine one he has in maybe forever.

“It does.” 

“So do you want to head back in?”

Poe thinks about that.

“No, I’d like to stay out here for a bit. But you can head on back in if you want.”

Finn nods.

“Okay I might just do that.” But he’s not leaving.

“Weren’t you leaving?” Poe bites his lip to try and hide his smile.

“You sure you’re gonna be okay?”

“Yeah I’m all good.”

“Okay.” Finn leans in to kiss him again and Poe expects it to be sweet and quick, but Finn seems to have something else in his mind and the kiss turns hot within seconds. Poe doesn’t know what’s wrong with him when he pulls away. Finn’s mouth chases after him.

“Finn.” He says his voice barely sounding like his own.”I thought you were leaving.”

“Yeah I am.” Finn smirks.

“Stop smirking.” Poe says without heat. Finn laughs.

“It’s very funny though, flustered is a good look on you.” 

Poe blushes. 

“Shut up.” He says but he leans back in, expecting another kiss. Finn obliges and Poe ups his game. Because Poe Dameron does have fucking game and he is a good kisser, thank you very much. He licks into Finn’s mouth and starts exploring it, Finn is caught off guard and makes a sound that Poe wants to keep hearing. Finn’s hands tighten in Poe’s hair and Poe lets out a moan. Finn stops kissing him suddenly and Poe opens his eyes. Finn has a dark look in his eyes, and it sends shivers down Poe’s spine. Finn pulls at his hair again and Poe’s eyes fall shut immediately. Okay, maybe he has a thing for hair pulling. Let a man live, we all have kinks. Finn smirks and lifts an eyebrow.

“Shut up.” Poe says again. Finn laughs.

“I thought you were going back inside.” Poe gives Finn a pointed look.

“Do you want me to go?” Finn asks cheekily.

“Yes.” 

“Hey!”

Poe laughs. “I’m joking.”

“No, for that, I’m now going to leave you.” Finn pecks him on his lips and takes a step back. Before he leaves he makes sure to slap Poe’s ass and wink. Poe rolls his eyes but he’s kind of delighted to find out that Finn has a very cheeky side to him. Finn’s laughter lingers in the air and Poe wants to stay in the moment forever. He wants it to be just for him and Finn, quiet and full of happiness with the aftermath of sun lingering in the air. Something hopeful.

He sits down again. He’s alone and for once he doesn’t actually mind the silence. The voices of doubt and guilt have been silenced and Poe enjoys the little bit of power it brings to be able to control them. He doesn’t feel lonely. He feels lighter, he thinks it might be happiness. He’s not felt like this in a long long time. Maybe never. But it feels good. He never wants it to go away now when he knows how things can be. He can distantly hear the music in the background now, people are laughing and Poe looks up at the dark sky thinking that maybe things will work out.

XXXX

He finds his way back to the party at some point later. It might be 30 minutes or hours, but he does make it back eventually. The party is still in full swing and DJ’s alcohol seems to have been put to good use. Rey and Rose are full on making out in the corner, Finn, Jess and Snap along with Konix are jumping up and down to the music. They look stupider than ever but Poe smiles fondly at the happiness radiating of Finn. His face is flickering in the lights and it makes him glow. He is beautiful in this moment and he is Poe’s. It’s kind of hard to believe after such a long time.

He finds himself something to drink again, non alcoholic because he’s still trying to be a little bit more of an adult. Trying is the key word here. He finds Leia in a corner and walks up to her.

“When was the last time you were at a party?” He asks.

“How old do you think I am?” 

Poe snorts.

“Very old.” She swats at him and Poe laughs.

“You seem a lot better.”

“Yeah I am feeling it.”

“Good, I’m happy.”

“Yeah, it is nice.”

“But you’re still afraid.” She looks at him when she says it, her voice kind but her gaze piercing. 

He looks away from her then, to the people around them. In this moment they are happy, carefree, their laughter hiding away the tiredness and exhaustion they normally carry around their faces.

And even though Poe feels happy in this moment, happier than in a long time he knows logically that anything could happen tomorrow. That happiness in a war are fleeting moments and there are many reasons to go around feeling scared. 

“There’s just so much pain in this world. In this room, so much is uncertain. I don’t know it makes me feel like I c-can’t…” He wasn’t expecting to open up to Leia, but it’s been on his mind lately, he just hasn’t had time to fully process it after waking up. For a while he’s main focus has been on Finn and on his own recovery that everything else has sort of taken a little bit of the backdrop. But it’s been a good but strange evening and now everything comes tumbling out of his mouth. He wishes he could blame his loose tongue on alcohol. 

And around Leia Poe’s defences tend to fly out the window and he always opens up to her sooner or later. He trusts her after all.

“It’s not just their pain you’re afraid of, Poe. You care for these people, you do, but it’s your own pain you’re really scared of.”

He doesn’t look at her then, he doesn’t want to. But he knows of course that she’s right. He’s terrified most of the day he’s awake.

His eyes find Finn again and he anchors himself there.

“As scary as it might seem, I promise you that this pain, it will make you stronger if you allow yourself to feel it. It’s a fine balance, fickle, to exist without breaking. And in order to move on you have to work your way through this. Pushing it away and bury it down is not a long term solution. But this feeling that you can’t seem to shake, it won’t last forever, Poe. I promise you it won’t if you choose not to let it.”

“It’s that easy huh?” His voice breaks when he says it, the joke falling flat and his emotions betraying him. Leia chuckles.

“I’ll tell you something that no one ever told me when I took this job. The greatest gift you have not just as a leader, but especially as someone people look up to is, to bear their pain without breaking. Fear is unpredictable. But you can’t let it control you forever.”

He looks at Finn again, Leia’s words make sense in a way, he supposes. 

“I feel their pain in the force Poe, and if I let it, it would overwhelm me. You wear yours very loudly, but I know there is more to life than it. You do too.” She smiles kindly at him. 

“How? How do I go on then?”

“Hope.”

“Hope?”

“You need to learn how to hope again.”

He frowns, easier said than done he thinks. What does he hope for now? What does he really want?

He looks at Finn once again, happy, carefree, jumping around, surrounded by blinking lights. He’s free. Maybe there’s an answer there.

“Okay.” He finds himself saying.

“Good.” She takes a sip of her drink and looks out over the people who are dancing.

“It’s moments like this that makes it worth it. It’s what makes sense in all of this. Look at them, they are happy and they are free.” Leia says. 

“Yeah.” He agrees. 

“Do you think we will ever win?” He finds himself asking. She looks at him silently for a while. The she shrugs.

“Hope travels slower than fear but once it’s festered it’s hard to get rid of. The First Order tries to rid the galaxy of it, and as long as there are people still believing, still hoping, then The First Order will never win. As if it will be enough for us to win in the long run? I don’t know but I do know that for whatever comes you have a big part to play.”

Poe frowns.

“In the non pressure way of course.” She adds. 

“Thanks.” he says drily. 

“You’ll be fine, you’ll find your way eventually.”

He really hopes she is right. 

“In the meantime, moments like these.” She looks around the room again as she says it. “Are very rare. Very rare indeed, and before you know it they’re gone. So you got to remember to live in them, to cherish what you’ve got. Because suddenly when we forget to live in the moment that’s when it’s taken from us. And then we’re left alone, and being left alone with regrets is a nasty thing, Poe.”

“So what’s your pro Leia tip about avoiding that then?” It’s meant to be a joke, to ease the tension in the moment. Leia smiles.

“To resist in any way you can. Love boldly and free, fight another day, laugh. It’s in the small things.”

XXXX

It’s a lot later, probably in the early morning hours, and Finn is very drunk. He is a happy drunk; Poe notes. He is leaning against Poe, and swings with each step he takes, the walk back to their room is extremely slow seeing as Poe can barely walk himself and Finn’s state isn’t helping either of them. Finn is giggling in his ear and he can’t help but smile. 

“You’re going to have such a hangover tomorrow buddy.” 

“Whatever I don’t even care. I can’t even be bothered to care right now. I’m too unbothered to care.” He rambles on.

“This is the alcohol talking, trust me you’ll feel this tomorrow.”

“Don’t kill the mood man.” Finn actually pouts. Poe laughs, it’s such a unexpected thing for Finn to do and Poe feels his heart grow in size for the love he feels for this man. And he’s also an idiot, he says as much.

“Okay idiot.”

“Hey!” Finn sways to the side and Poe barely has time to catch him. “That’s rude.” Finn sludders, seemingly unaware that he’s almost toppled them both over. Poe huffs.

“Easy buddy, please. You’re going to make both of us fall over and I’ve just been let out of the med bay, I don’t think Dr. Kalonia will be happy to have me back this soon.”

“No, she’d kill you herself, and then Leia would as well. That’d be funny.” Finn giggles.

“I’m taking you down with me. I’m blaming it on you.”

“Rude.” Finn sways again. Poe is dying, slowly. It’s funny, but this is taking a strain on his body in a possibly bad way. He still has stitches down his side that needs to be taken out at some point. He’d like to not bust them right open at 4am in the morning. Ugh he wishes he was fitter, then maybe he wouldn’t be dying so much.

“Yeah yeah, come on, you think you can walk normally for me. Please.”

“The great Poe Dameron is begging?” Finn giggles.

“Buddy, you haven’t seen the worst of it yet.” Finn’s eyes darken immediately. Poe rolls his eyes. Yep, Finn can find that out another day.

“Interesting.” Finn smirks. 

“There are lots of interesting things about me, Finn.”

“I bet, I can’t wait to discover them all.” Poe chokes. Okay, this conversation needs to end here and Finn needs to get into bed and sleep so that he doesn’t kill Poe by tripping him over or by alluding to dirtier things because that might kill Poe in a completely different way. The walk after that gets easier, Finn seems to take pity on him and behave slightly better. Once back in their room Finn topples head first into bed and Poe laughs. He’s out like a light. Poe takes his time but gets into bed soon enough. As he gets into bed Finn wakes up, or maybe he does it all in his sleep, Poe isn’t sure, but he moves to settle close to Poe’s chest and slungs an arm across him. Poe laughs again but settles in for the night. He sleeps the best he has in a long time.

XXXX

The morning after is interesting, to say the least. Finn is resting his head on the table, covering up as much of his face as he can. Rose lies with her head in Rey’s lap, she looks like she might throw up any moment and Jess is sprawled across three chairs. It looks uncomfortable as hell and Poe is surprised she’s even made it out of bed. Snap is probably still in bed, Poe guesses. Even DJ is looking worse for wear as he is sat in the corner of the room, chair tipped back and snapback covering his eyes. Poe feels great though, and he’s trying hard not to gloat about it.

“Here you go.” He says, and puts a coffee down in front of Finn.

“Ugh, why is your voice so loud.” He groans and slowly peaks out through his fingers. Very slowly, he moves his face closer to the coffee, and sits up slightly to take a sip. It’s such a weird sight that Poe laughs. 

“I hate you.” Rose says. 

“Me too.” Rey says. She looks better than the rest of them but she doesn’t seem great either. Maybe Jedi can handle alcohol better than normal people, Poe doesn’t actually know. He should find that out. 

“I called dibs years ago on hating him the most.” Jess calls.

“Stop, no one gets to hate my boyfriend. If anyone does it’s me.” Finn says and Poe’s eyes widen comically. The room goes silent and Finn continues to sip peacefully at his coffee. He probably didn’t realise what he just said and Poe hopes none of the rest did either. He doesn’t seem to be that lucky. Jess sits up suddenly.

“What the fuck did you just say?” And then she goes green. “Oh my god, bad idea. Abort.” And she slides loudly down onto the ground where she ends up sprawled downwards with her forehead resting on the cold floor.

“Don’t think I didn’t just hear what you said, Finn. We will talk about this when I have a brain again.” Rose mutters. Rey smiles and mouths finally to Poe, none of the rest noticing, all of them too busy ‘dying’.

Poe lets out the breath he was holding. He looks at Finn, who has the decency to look a little guilty. Okay, so they haven’t exactly had a conversation about what they are, but he’s kind of happy that Finn’s brain seemed to have jumped to the conclusion that they are together. Poe wants that more than anything. He sits down beside Finn and Finn crawls into his side. It’s endearing. 

“Sorry.” 

“It’s fine.”

“Yeah but I should have talked to you before I jumped to the conclusion and called you my boyfriend.”

Poe can’t help but smile at the word.

“Well Finn, would you like to be my boyfriend?”

Finn looks up at him and smiles too.

“Yeah I would.”

“Cool.”

“Cool.” Finn echoes and leans up to kiss him. The others make disgusted noises.

“Ugh, I hate you so much, Poe.” Jess says again.

“I love you, Pava.”

“Shut up, no more talking, like ever again. My brain can’t take it.”

“That’s what happens when you drink.” Poe says just to be an ass.

“For once, you’re being the responsible one, and I think you should make the clever choice and be quiet before I beat you up.”

“Congrats, I can’t b-believe you finally pulled yourself together and sorted this out.” DJ calls out. All of their heads snap up and DJ smirks behind his cap but doesn’t say anything else.

Poe actually laughs at the absurdity of it all and Finn hides a smile.

The rest of the company groans in complaint some more about Poe’s loudness. He decides to take pity on all of them right now though, he’s nice like that. They don’t look too well after all.

“I’m dying.” Finn says.

“Me too.” Rey mumbles.

“I’m dying the most.” Jess mutters.

Poe laughs at them, and they call him dramatic. 

They lounge around with their friends all afternoon, laughing and talking and Poe going on coffee rounds for people every now and then because he’s nice like that. He maybe shouldn’t be tiring himself out like this, but for the first part of the afternoon, none of the rest of them seem to be able to do much other than moan and complain. For the better part of the morning Finn is literally sprawled half way across Poe, his head in his lap and eyes half closed. He’s adorable, but at the same time so beautiful and Poe can’t believe they are actually official now. He has a boyfriend. Poe Dameron hasn’t had a boyfriend in years. This is actually pretty big for him. And it feels right, like the one piece that was missing has finally found its way home. So he’s content on doing everyone favours for a little while. Rey recovers the quickest and by the time it’s dinner most of them are well enough to hold a conversation and get food into them. It’s been a day that’s for sure.

After dinner, Finn and Poe excuse themselves, and Jess gives Poe a look that includes some wiggling of eyebrows and something that looks pretty similar to sucking a dick as she is involved with a game of cards with DJ. Poe blushes a dark red and hopes Finn doesn’t notice. 

Once back in their room Finn takes a shower, he leaves the door open though, like he somehow knows Poe will be more comfortable with it as the background noise. BB-8 is in its charging pod and the sounds of the charging is a familiar sound to Poe as well. He feels happy he didn’t drink anything last night because after what he’s seen the others been through today he thinks his own age would have definitely acted against him. He has a few years on most of the people. While Finn showers, Poe goes over to the mirror. He slowly takes off his shirt, overhead movements still a little bit of a struggle for him, and takes a long look at himself. The weight he lost has not fully made a come back yet, he’s still too skinny for his liking and while the bruising has gone down his body looks like it belongs to someone else. He tries, really tries not to think too closely of how he has an almost 10 year younger boyfriend just a few steps away from him with a body that listens to commands and is well rounded and muscly. Poe’s seen enough of it to know Finn is all firm and hard edges. Poe is not. He runs a hand through his hair, a little because he feel stupid and self conscious but also a little out of frustration. He peels the plaster away and throws it in the bin. The skin is pink and red still and while the pain is mostly gone it’s not nice to look at. He puts some lotion on it which will help with the scarring and quickly puts on a new plaster to cover it up. He hears Finn turn off the shower and Poe feels his heartbeat speed up. It’s the first time since they woke up that they are alone. Poe’s not sure what it means. Just as Finn walks out of the bathroom his eyes finds Poe’s. Finn is only wearing a towel and it hangs treacherously low on his hips and Poe’s sure Finn doesn’t miss how Poe can’t keep his eyes to himself. He doesn’t seem to mind the attention though, so Poe guesses the ogling wasn’t too unappreciated. 

Poe sits down on the bed and turns his back on Finn, giving him some privacy. Poe’s not sure what’s accepted and what’s not. He’s had boyfriends before, sure, but nothing like this. This one is important. It needs to be done the right way with no mistakes. And he’s a little unsure and a little afraid of saying and doing something wrong, he has too much experience with that. Poe feels the bed dip as Finn sits down behind him. Finn lips connects with his neck and it sends a shiver down his spine. 

“Hi.” He whispers.

“Hi.” Finn answers. Poe’s eyes falls shut at the sensation of Finn’s lips moving at the back of his neck. He’s regretting wearing a T-shirt now, the thought of feeling Finn’s lips on his bare skin very tempting in this moment. Finn lets up and moves to sit beside him. The towel has been replaced with a pair of boxers and a grey simple T- shirt. Once side by side, their knees touching, they lock eyes. 

Ever so slowly Finn leans forward, but just before their lips touch, he stops and his eyes flicker up to Poe’s. Poe answers by leaning forward the last inches and kiss him. It’s soft and sweet, for a while at least. But Finn seems to have another idea in his mind and the kiss deepens soon after. Poe goes along with it, letting Finn set the pace. There’s a strumming underneath Poe’s skin that’s been there since Finn kissed him, an awareness now to emotions he’s long suppressed that are now making themselves known by having all of his blood gather in one place. He’s not been this horny this quickly in so long and it’s a little unsettling how he’s body so quickly has awaken. Only to a simple kiss. Finn stops the kiss and Poe opens his eyes.

“How is your wound?”

Poe doesn’t look down.

“Well enough for whatever you have in mind.”

Finn chuckles.

“Are you sure?” He asks, only a little bit uncertain. Poe nods, he is, and goes back to kissing him. Finn obliges and the kiss turns more heated. Poe opens his mouth and Finn’s tongue quickly licks into his mouth, no shame, just full on claiming and Poe loves it. He grips Finn tighter, wanting him closer still, moves so they are both at a better angle and puts his hand by Finn’s neck, can’t help but almost nip the skin when Finn’s tongue does a sudden flick. A moan is torn from his throat. He feels completely disarmed by Finn and the skill he’s possessing, his expectations on this maybe not including Finn being dominant enough to overpower Poe. Maybe he shouldn’t have assumed Finn to be clueless. And if one thing is true, it’s that Finn’s a quick learner. Finn nudges him backwards, slowly and carefully and Poe goes willingly. He’s on his back all of a sudden looking into Finn’s dark eyes hovering above him. It’s so hot. Finn sits back on his heels and Poe wants to bless him when he loses his shirt. His chest is smooth, strong and muscled. Poe could drool by the sight of him, he hopes he isn’t. The ring still hangs around Finn’s neck and every time Poe catches a glimpse of it there he feels a rushing sensation of something he can’t really explain, but it looks like it belongs there, like it always has.

“Damn.” He says and can’t help but touch. He reaches out and starts stroking, exploring and just enjoying the way Finn feels under his fingers. Finn’s eyes falls shut and he lets out a content sigh. Poe flicks him, teasingly over his right nipple and Finn tenses, his legs squeezing Poe, and then he breathes again.

Interesting Poe thinks. He’s sensitive. He does it again and it brings a similar reaction out of Finn. Poe wonders what it would be like to put his tongue there.

“Poe.” Finn warns.

“You are gorgeous, Finn.” He lets out and Finn opens his eyes. He’s flushed a nice red shade and Poe smirks, but only a little. Finn leans down to kiss him again and Poe can’t help the groan he lets out as his dick grazes over his own. Finn chuckles but continues to kiss him. His hands sneak down to Poe’s waist and gently pulls at the T-shirt. Poe gets the hint and doesn’t really have time to think too closely about it. He lifts his back up, a little clumsier than normal but Finn is gentle and quick and soon enough the shirt is left on the floor and Poe is laying back down on the bed. Finn’s eyes roam shamelessly but Poe feels a little self conscious. It’s not usually like him, but it is a new emotion he’s going to have to accept and get over. Finn also touches and touched and touches, him too seemingly struggling with what they are actually doing. He shifts, further down and then his mouth connects with Poe’s right pec. His heart flutters and the simple gesture of him breathing there has Poe gripling the sheet in a little bit of desperation. 

It’s been so long. Finn moves over to his nipple and licks, at first slow and gentle, as if to gauge Poe’s reaction to it. He groans, the sensation too much for him. His legs move on their own accord, tensing and then relaxing. Finn shifts again, and now Poe is pinned down. The feeling of having Finn’s whole body pressing him into the bed is almost enough to make him come right then and there. He’s been wanting this for so long he can’t believe it’s actually happening right now. Finn moves over to his left nipple and the assault starts all over again. Poe is writing against the sheets, very close to losing control. It would be embarrassing and over way too soon. He clenches his teeth. No. He’s not going to give in. The hand that’s been clutching at the sheet, he’s now digging his fingers hard into flesh, refusing to give in to the pleasure that’s close to overwhelming him. 

Finn starts to move further down, not giving Poe a break. His skin dances under Finn’s mouth, the trail he leaves behind wet. Finn seems to have the sense to be careful enough to keep away from Poe’s plaster. When’s he’s by Poe’s trousers and starts to unbuckle his belt Poe’s hand shoots forward to stop him.

“Finn.” He says out of breath and eyes still closed. Finn’s hands stills and Poe rests his own hand there, giving himself a moment to gather himself. 

“Are you okay, Poe?” Finn asks. 

He takes one last breath and opens his eyes. Finn is sitting back, and while Poe’s been given some time to breathe Finn is sitting right on top of his dick, and he has dark eyes and red plush lips and he’s so fucking hot Poe needs a moment to chide himself for stopping him. But he sits up on his arms and tries to articulate some thoughts.

It’s very hard.

“Finn.. I mean, are you sure? I mean you don’t have to.” The words come rushing out but Poe’s no idiot. He knows where this is going. But he doesn’t want to push Finn into anything. Poe’s fine with whatever Finn is willing to give.

Finn smiles suddenly, small and fondly. He reaches forward and cups Poe’s cheek.

“I want to.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure.”

Finn reaches forward and catches his mouth in a searing hot kiss that leaves Poe dazed. Right. Finn chuckles and playfully kisses Poe on his cheek before he gently pushes him down again. Poe goes. Right this is going to happen now. He feels oddly nervous and maybe Finn senses that because he leans forward again and the kiss is now soft and slow. No rush. His hand sneak its way up Poe’s arm and grasps his hand. Poe squeezes back. It’s oddly reassuring and Finn keeps his hand there, pressing it down to the bed. When he feels Poe calm he starts moving again. The rushing sensation from before comes back and Poe doesn’t think he will last long, whatever happens. 

When Finn undoes his belt and pulls down his trousers Poe stops thinking all together and gives himself over completely. The two orgasms Finn manages to pull from him are probably the best he’s ever had. He’s pretty impressed with himself that he manages to give Finn just as many. 

Later when they are both boneless and dazed out Finn is laying on his front, his back on full display for Poe’s hand to roam over and tickle. Finn’s mouth hangs open, and his breathing is even, he’s not asleep but he’s zoned out, comfortable and content. Poe’s fingers leave goosebumps in their wake, Finn’s scarred skin extremely sensitive to touch. It’s a big scar, a very prominent reminder of how Finn almost died. And yet Poe thinks it’s a beautiful scar. It’s an ugly reminder that’s for sure but it doesn’t seem to take away any beauty from Finn, rather it adds to him. It’s also kind of a badass scar, one that Poe will cherish for Finn when he can’t stand to look at it. Poe knows Finn has complicated feelings towards it, but Poe every time it’s on display wants nothing other than run his hands over it. Finn doesn’t seem to be complaining.

“Hey.” He says and nudges Finn gently. Finn grunts as a reply but opens his eyes after a while. 

“Yeah?” Finn’s voice is deep and sleepy. Poe smiles.

“We should go to sleep.”

“Mhhm.” Finn says but doesn’t make a move. Poe chuckles. He stops with the stroking though, hoping that it will be motivating enough for Finn to move. Finn glares at him but finally does. Poe smirks but gets under the duvet and soon enough Finn follows. He’s had a long day and he’s tired, for once looking forward to crawl into bed with Finn. That doesn’t happen very often. Finn moves too and lies down on Poe’s chest. Poe starts stroking his hair almost immediately and Finn hums. 

As usual, it takes Poe a little bit of time to fall asleep, but he likes listening to Finn’s breathing and he feels safe with Finn’s added weight pressing him into the mattress. It’s really nice.

Poe can get used to falling asleep like this.

XXXX

The days bleed into one and Poe feels better and better with each day that passes. He stopped taking painkillers two days ago and the stitches have been removed as well. It’s left a big scar across his abdomen but Dr. Kalonia had done her best to stitch it all up as neatly as possible. In the end he’s happy to be alive and the scar will just be part of who he is. There’s no point in caring about it. He and Finn mirror each other now and it is a weird sense of belonging together. His walking has improved as well, it comes from his stubbornness of wanting to get back on his feet as quickly as possible and the constant walking he’s done to come back to full strength. He’s still a little slow for his liking but he doesn’t have a limp anymore. It’s progress.

He’s also started the physical therapy which he promised he would attend. It tires him out immensely and he tends to get very frustrated by it. It’s hard to be young and not have a body that fully listens to his commands. Raising his leg and letting it hover above ground is a struggle and it grates on his nerves, but he has to be patient and listen to his body. Otherwise he’s not going to get back on his feet anyway. That’s not to say he’s constantly annoyed about it. He’s also on official leave. Leia had seemed surprised but happy when he came to her with the decision himself. So he’s taken a month off, but he does paperwork because he gets bored and needs something to do. He used to hate paperwork, it was the bane of his existence, but now he reads every report that’s sent his way. It exercises his brain and he doesn’t feel as useless when he does it. He even suspects that Leia sends all the reports his way these days. She has a knowing look in her eyes and Poe rolls his eyes every time he sees it. Because he’s mature, clearly. In a week’s time he’ll go back to attending meetings again because he thinks he will have waited long enough by then. He’s on his way back to his room, it’s getting quite late, but he’s stubborn and had refused to leave Dr. Ward before he managed to do each exercises he had been given. And in the end he’d gotten there and he feels good about that. It’s a small step in the right direction even though these are exercises he shouldn’t struggle with. When he opens the door Finn is already in bed. He’s got the binary book in front of him and BB-8 by his side. He is becoming better and better each day. He can understand most of what BB-8 is saying now and Finn’s ecstatic about it. Poe’s too. It’s a great sight and Poe knew he would be able to do it, he always believed in him.

This sight, though, it’s so domestic, so homely and very inviting. Poe can’t help it when he says.

“Honey I’m home.” He takes of his boots and gets rid of the jacket. Finn laughs.

“I’m guessing this is some sort of joke that just went over my head.”

“Yeah it is.” Poe says. He lies down on the bed next to Finn.

“How was physio?” 

Poe shrugs. “Hard.”

“Yeah, but you’re getting better with each day. Injuries take time to heal.”

“Yeah I know.”

“And you’re stubborn, you’ll get there.” Poe huffs.

“Yeah, I probably will.”

“How was your evening?” He asks instead.

“I did some sparring with Rey, it was fun.”

“Did you win?”

“No, obviously not. But I’m getting better as well.”

“Good.”

Finn puts the book down.

“Sooo…”He says. Poe lifts an eyebrow.

“Yes?”

“Do you have energy for a different kind of exercise?” Finn’s hand finds his thigh and starts stroking. Poe’s heartbeat picks up.

“Smooth.” He says, trying to sound calm and collected.

“I am smooth.” Poe laughs but stops when Finn’s lips finds his. 

“You did that to shut me up.” He chokes out. Finn just smirks and leans back down.

“Maybe.”

Finn hungrily kisses him and Poe gets lost for a moment. Okay, Finn did it on purpose to shut him up, but who cares when the kiss he gets is this. He moans and Finn smiles in victory. Poe rolls his eyes, Finn has this thing where he likes taking Poe apart with whatever means necessary. And Finn is fucking good, Poe really has to give him that. And he isn’t really complaining because the sex they are having is probably the best Poe’s ever had in his whole life. And he’s not fully healed yet, he can just imagine the sex will get better and better. So he’s totally winning at life. Especially right now.

Poe licks into Finn’s mouth and Finn’s hands tighten around his waist. A groan espaces Finn when their tongues touch and it goes straight to Poe’s dick. He stops kissing Finn, only for a moment.

“Off.” He says and pulls at Finn’s T-shirt. Finn laughs.

“Impatient much?”

“Shut up.” Poe says and kisses Finn as soon as the shirt is lying on the floor.

Poe hopes that no one comes looking for them, because he isn’t sure he locked the door….

XXXX

He wakes up in the middle of the night. But it’s not from a nightmare. He doesn’t feel the usual fear of uneasiness crawl its way up his spine. No, he feels calm, if only a little restless. Finn’s sleeping beside him, an arm slung over Poe, like he can’t bare to not touch him at all possible times. It’s become apparent to Poe that Finn might be a little touch starved. It’s not unsurprising considering where Finn grew up, on a First Order base where access to anything soft were very sparse. Finn used to touch him before, gripping his hand or clapping his back but now when there are no boundaries anymore it’s almost a constant thing. And Poe who can barely stand anyone’s touch these days is not minding it, not at all. Which is also a little surprising to him, but then again Finn’s always had this effect on Poe, different to anyone he’s ever met. And his body has accepted it as second nature that he imagines that soon he will begin to struggle to be without it. It’s already become a little of a constant craving to have him near. He strokes Finn’s cheek and quietly gets up, not wanting to disturb him. He puts on a jumper, a little big on him so he figures it must be Finn’s and slips out of the room. He has a destination in mind and he walks quickly through the dark corridors, not the biggest fan of the shadows he is casting against the walls. Once he’s outside he feels significally calmer. The moon is out, chasing away any lingering shadows that would unsettle him. He sits down in the soft grass, the air still warm from the hot day. He closes his eyes and just lets himself be. He feels calm, the insomnia in this moment not bothering him the way it normally does. Finn of course finds him soon enough, Poe just knows it’s him before he makes himself known. He turns around though and Finn smiles. 

“You okay?” Finn asks. Poe notes that he’s not wearing a shirt underneath the unzipped jumper he’s wearing and can’t tear his eyes away. He knows he’s allowed to look now, but so many months of wanting and not being allowed to has left its marks. Therefore Poe is sometimes surprised that now he’s allowed to reach out for Finn and kiss him and touch him if he wants to. Finn’s seen the look in his eyes and smirks. Poe rolls his eyes and motions for Finn to sit down.

“I’m good, just thinking.” Finn sits down beside him, but not touching just yet.

“Couldn’t sleep?”

“No, but not in the way you think.” Poe says and looks ahead. Finn reaches out for his hand then and places a gentle kiss on the palm of it. Poe closes his eyes, exhales.

“You want to talk about it?” 

Poe smiles, but doesn’t open his eyes. Finn’s tone is kind, leaving room for Poe to decide whether he wants to talk about it or not. 

“I’m thinking about how to be less afraid.”

Finn hums and strokes his hand. “And are you?”

“No…” Poe opens his eyes and tilts his head to look at Finn. “I’m scared all the time, Finn. Of things that have happened and the things that haven’t happened. It follows me everywhere in everything I do. I didn’t use to be afraid you know, nothing ever really scared me. And that made me reckless and arrogant. It did make me a good pilot though and I lived on that for so long. But now, well I feel like I’m living on borrowed time.”

“Poe…” Finn begins but cuts himself off. 

“It’s exhausting, Finn, that’s what it is. It’s not really living. And I’m starting to think that in a war that’s when you need to live the most to be able to actually survive.”

“Yeah.”

“So I can’t keep doing it can I?”

“No, I guess not.” 

Poe nods, he agrees, he guesses not.

“I can’t teach you how to not be afraid, it’s not up to me. You have to figure it out on your own.” Finn looks sad as he says it, but Poe knows he’s right.

“I know, that’s why from now on I’ll try to live instead. I’ll always be afraid I think, of you dying, of my dad dying, of letting you or the people I love down, of leaving this world and not feeling like I’m done with it. There are so many things to be afraid of. But I can’t go on feeling like this anymore, it’s not worth it. I can’t let it control me like this.”

Finn quietly strokes his hand, it’s an encouraging gesture.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to completely let go of the people I killed, so many of them died, people I knew and people I didn’t. It was my fault, most of what happened and I’ve accepted my blame in it. But it’s been eating me up for such a long time now and I’ve become someone I barely recognize, and it’s not fair to you. I can’t be with you, not fully if my head’s not in it. If I keep being stuck in the past. And it’s not fair to myself either, I think it’s even the most unfair to me out of everyone.”

“It would be, yes.” Finn is smiling again, it’s a small one but it’s there.

“So I’m stopping, right now in this moment. I’ll never forget what I did, it’ll be with me forever but it’s not fair to anyone to continue this way. My mom used to always say living in the past gives you anxiety and living in the future makes you stressed. It makes you miss out on the most precious moments of life. So I’ll take a page out of her book and live here and now, in the moment, day by day.”

Finn is beaming.

“What?” Poe asks.

“I’m just… I’m just so incredibly proud of you Poe. You’ve come so far, it’s impressive.”

Poe blushes. “Thanks.”

“I’m looking forward to living with you in the moment, day by day.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Finn continues.

“I don’t think we can go about life and not carry at least a part of our past selves with us. We grow and evolve every day, learn new things and try and become better than we were yesterday. So it would make sense that we carry a part of who we were before, so we can look back at the progress we’ve made by living and fighting another day. In the end trying to be better is the only thing we can do.” Finn says.

Poe looks at him, awestruck by the wisdom and truth behind his words.

“Anyone ever tell you you’re wise beyond your years?” Poe jokes but he means it too. Finn’s mind is an endlessly impressive thing. Finn blushes a little.

“No, only you just now.”

“Well it’s true. And thanks for always being there for me through it all. I don’t think I ever told you how much it means to me.”

“I know.” Finn says kindly but at the same time he’s lips threatens to split into a smirk, but Poe only smiles and lets Finn have it. He’s put up with Poe for months now, Finn having a small moment of victory only seems fair to him. Finn leans over and pecks him on the lips gently before he sits back beside Poe.

He lets his head rest on Finn’s shoulder and Finn wraps his arms around him. The night is peaceful and calm and for the first time in a long long time Poe feels better. He can finally see some sort of way out of the dark now which he hasn’t for months, it’s such a relief. He really has learned how hard it is to recover from trauma, wounds that go so deep you sometimes don’t even know you have them, it’s never a straight road, always bumps and obstacles to overcome. And while he isn’t going to fool himself into thinking that being with Finn is some sort of cure to it, he feels a little better knowing that he doesn’t have to do it all alone anymore. 

He’s managed this far by relying mostly on himself, but it’s been tiresome, maybe even killing him slowly. But now he’s got Finn and maybe it will make it easier in this all, he hopes so. And he loves Finn...he knows this so maybe sometime soon he’ll tell Finn just that. There’s so many people for him to call friends and family now, so many people still around that he wants to be alive for. Rey, Rose, Leia, BB-8, Jess and Snap. And his dad. But maybe most importantly Finn. He wants to be alive with Finn. He wants to fight and win this war with them all by his side and then he doesn’t know what he wants. But he will find that out too. For a minute he sits with Finn and allows himself to think of a future with him, it’s not something he normally indulges in, but he can’t help but imagine a future where they are happy together. He finds that he’s looking forward to that day.

They sit together for a long time just looking at the moon. And Poe, well he feels relaxed and really happy. Calm even. He presses a kiss to Finn’s cheek and he smiles, tightening his arms around Poe. Things will be better now.

 

FIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow, I finished it, it's been a 6 month long project and I am surprised that I saw it through it's so unlike me, but here we are, finished even before tros is coming out. It's been a ride that's for sure and this chapter just kept getting longer and longer, I was constantly going back and forth, even leaving it for months and then coming back. The last scene I wrote I wrote last weekend when I got an idea that I felt needed to be added in.
> 
> But here we are and they are happy and together finally.
> 
> Okay so I have written and finished a one shot from Finn's pov when Poe's in the coma and Finn does a lot of thinking and has a conversation with Leia which I enjoyed writing. I have also written over 120 pages for a part 2 of this series and the actual plan was to get that out before tros but that just didn't happen, so I probably will publish it even if it will be completely separate from the actual Star Wars timeline.
> 
> And a massive thanks to my beta who is the best critic a woman could ask for! <3 
> 
> I have a favour to ask of you all. I am at the moment doing my dissertation and it is on finnpoe fanfiction. I have created a survey where I am interested to hear from finnpoe fic writers. Here is the link to the survey: https://www.surveymonkey.co.uk/r/P7D38QP and if you have a moment to answer it or send it to someone you know writes finnpoe fanfiction that would mean the world to me, thank you!
> 
> And see you soonish with more to come!


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